Week Thirteen - Perception

Another week, another post where the blank page has been open for 24 hours and half an idea is floating around in my head as I try to pin it down.

I think it vaguely ties in with what I said a couple of weeks ago about how it's sometimes hard to judge where you are in a relationship (short-hand for an interaction with someone else - not exclusively 'romantic') and how it can impact on self-esteem despite best efforts.

As most things often do, it starts with music.  Music is brilliant obviously - having that ability to conjure up a person, place or moment in time based on a few notes played in a certain order is something special.  Part of the problem of course is that it works both ways - for every moment you want to remember, there's usually something you're trying to forget (and obviously they're always the songs that stick in your head).  To steal from Jay-Z's Blueprint² album title - it's a gift and a curse.

This starts with a track from The Streets' 2008 album 'Everything Is Borrowed' - namely "I Love You More (Than You Like Me)"

'Perfect Sound Whatever' by James Acaster is a great read about music and mental health

Of course the thing with music that makes it so brilliant is that the interpretation becomes personal to us.  I can't ever understand what prompted Mike Skinner to write that song but I know that those 10 words - I think I love you more than you like me - have almost become a kind of shorthand for my perception of many of my relationships.

That's not to say it's actually true by any means of course, but that perception is sometimes difficult to disentangle yourself from.  I'd been trying to think about why that is and I think it's down to certainty - or more specifically, a lack of it.

Most of the time I'm fairly clear about what I'm thinking, even if actually articulating it is somewhat difficult (*cough* case in point *cough*) but knowing what someone else is thinking or feeling is a lot less clear and is often where our old friends Worry and Anxiety pop round uninvited and put their feet up on the sofa.

Objectively there's nothing to worry about of course - those relationships you've had for years have stood for that long because they're built on solid foundations.  Nothing to worry about right?

I love this one

"What if they didn't understand what I meant when....?"

"What if I upset them when...?"

"What if they're mad because...?"

"What if they don't want to be friends anymore...?"

I had my eyes opened at StressControl last year when I found out that not everybody thinks these things and worries about them like I do.  If you're one of those people, then kudos to you - but it partly felt like my reality was being torn down and rebuilt.  Again, objectively of course people don't all think like that because it makes very little logical sense.  But it's hard to free yourself from that when it's been your perception for so long.

Under the old regime there were a few tried and tested options when those questions started floating around:

1. Seek any kind of constant reassurance (explicitly or implicitly) that the last thing I'd said hadn't been misinterpreted or that you'd not upset the status quo
2. Qualify what (I thought) I'd done wrong in a painstaking level of detail that would make War & Peace look like a short story
3. Assume I'm burdensome and a distraction that people would happily do without (not in that way - chill)
4. Shut down - don't make the effort because it can't or won't be reciprocated in the way I expect - better to not bother than show vulnerability

Point number 3

Point number 4

Sorry - a lot of relevant memes this week...

And so, via a slightly circuitous route, we come back to Mike Skinner and the woes he and I share - "I think I love you more than you like me".  The last couple of points on that list above are the kinds of things I associate that line with - being at the extreme of one feeling while perceiving that everyone else is at the far end of another.

That perception genuinely feels hard to get over sometimes, though I've learned that often it's the arbitrary expectations that come with the perception that compound those difficulties.  Relationships can't be quantified or measured - they're things we know, feel and trust in.  

Worry and anxiety can make us question those things we know to be true, and have faith in and so, like with most things, it's the same few tricks that help us through.  What would we tell a friend feeling that way?  What is the likelihood that the thing we're obsessing over is actually happening?  How do we make mental space to be able to evaluate what we're thinking and experiencing in a rational way?   If in doubt, play the greatest hits right?

I envy the people that have that in-built way of just knowing this stuff is all OK without it being a large number of conscious thoughts.  Maybe you're all sociopaths or something?   Sorry - what I meant by that was..... please don't be mad at me.... are you upset....? Etc etc forever and ever...

(Oh - in diabetes news, I've had four consecutive days with bloods all under 10mmol so I guess I'm cured or something... - come for the sadness, stay for the diabetes)

Stay safe. Love you (more than you like me) x

Food Glorious Food?

I don’t have a good relationship with food.   I have to work harder at eating more than I do almost anything else.  I know that’s true for many  people with type 1 diabetes, and why wouldn’t it be? 

It’s a mental calculation every time we even think about putting something containing carbs in our mouths.  What’s my blood glucose now?  When did I last take insulin?  Do I need to correct?  How many carbs does this have?  Is it going to spike my levels or take a while to absorb?  And after all that, you either have to stick a needle in you or fish out your pump and dose appropriately.   That’s not a normal relationship by any standards.

My experience with food feels more complicated than that (if it’s possible!)  Four years ago, I weighed 215lbs (almost 98kg or nearly 15.5 stone).  I’d let my weight creep up and ignored what I was eating as long as I could get decent blood glucose readings.  This was less than 6 months after I’d somehow run the London marathon (weighing a lot less).  My reflection in the mirror finally persuaded me to do something about it and in three months I was down to 182lbs (83kg or 13 stone).

I’d always thought that losing weight was the hardest thing to do when you’re dieting, but actually maintaining any kind of progress really took it out of me and eight months later I was almost back where I started, feeling totally demoralised.  And so I did nothing about it for about 12 months.  Along with all the complexities that diabetes adds to eating, I started to view food as an enemy.  But of course the thing many of us reach for when we feel a bit low is food (because it’s delicious) and if you’re in a position where food is your best friend and nemesis at the same time, your relationship with it becomes more complicated.

Finally, something changed – I can’t remember what it was.  Another unflattering glimpse of my reflection most likely, coupled with a desire to change.  I’d entered another marathon and was determined I could run faster than my exploits over two years before.  I decided that actually losing a lot of weight would help me more than anything else.  Not lugging extra kilos of body fat around makes a big difference.  I embarked on a diet with a really strict calorie intake and a lot of exercise, and it worked!  I lost 45lbs (20kg or over 3 stone) by the end of the year.  It was hard work, but I actually felt good about myself for the first time in a long time.  I was at my lowest weight since I’d been diagnosed over 12 years previously, my blood glucose control was good (and I was running faster than ever too).

Now came the hard part – sustaining weight loss.  I’d tried once before and hadn’t managed it and I was determined to do better this time around.  I decided that I was probably at too low a weight to make sustaining it sensible in the long term.  I was eating around 1400 calories a day, running 20-30 miles a week plus other ad-hoc exercise.  I allowed myself a bit of a rise to keep some semblance of quality of life, but focused on what I was eating (and portion size too).

And it kind of worked for quite a long time.  Putting aside blips for holidays and Christmas, I managed a fairly steady weight for almost 18 months, eating pretty well, exercising regularly, and actually feeling pretty pleased (and dare I say, happy with my own body image).

Recently it fell apart again.  I had a running injury that stopped me exercising as much as I used to, which in turn pushed me back towards my comforter-in-chief… food.  A lot less exercise and a lot more food pushed my weight up at the start of this year to a point where I avoided the bathroom scales because I knew I’d hate the reading it gave me.  That reminded me of how I was with my diabetes about six years after diagnosis… I stopped testing because I didn’t feel in control of the results and I put it all out of my mind.

I know from experience that nothing good comes from that denial.  I felt (feel?) guilty about what I eat if it’s full of calories, but eating something like that gives me such a rush it’s hard to stay on track.  It’s almost like an addiction in some senses, and sticking to a plan of eating healthily requires an incredible amount of willpower.  Trying to convince yourself you don’t need one more hit of fat, sugar or salt takes a lot of effort.

My weight is currently back on the way down, and that feeling of control has returned (with my weight, and diabetes in general).  I feel like I can only operate at extremes though – full on culinary hedonism, or the strictest diet I can imagine.  Having a metabolism that seems to not need much fuel to keep the lights on doesn’t help either.   But even having lost 11lbs in the last month, I still look at my reflection and think I could probably lose a couple more…

I don’t think it’s easy to interact with food when you have diabetes.  I don’t know how typical my experiences are when it comes to the frustrations of balancing my intake with how I see myself.  I think as a community we talk a lot about managing the highs and lows of blood glucose (and the everyday aspects of diabetes), but we talk less about how food makes us feel… Maybe it’s because most of us don’t need to.  Or we don’t know how to.  I might be an outlier when it comes to managing food, but I suspect I’m not.

I’ve delayed writing this blog for a long time – mostly because I wasn’t sure I had the right words to express how it affects me.  That said, ‘guilt’, ‘denial’ and ‘frustration’ are words that are all too familiar when it comes to diabetes so perhaps they were there all along.

This blog also appears on the Diabetes UK blog site - you can read my most recent posts there by viewing my bio on their site

Standing on the edge

"Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew." - Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1918)


Today is a strange day for me.  It's the last full 24 hours that I'll be medicating my diabetes with multiple daily injections (MDI) for the foreseeable future.  Tomorrow afternoon I'll be switching to an insulin pump as part of a two year clinical study aimed at determining what is more effective at treating people with Type 1 diabetes.

I won't go into too much of the detail about the study here.  I'll be writing a blog for Diabetes UK about that later this week (and I'll post it here as well) so if you're curious, you can read that (or drop me a line on Twitter @Broomowl).

This blog is more focused on that greatest of intangible things - feelings.

I genuinely don't know how I feel about it to be honest.  Overall I'm pretty positive about it I think.  As I understand it, the pump will allow me greater control over my condition and allow me to alter my medication much more proactively around things like diet and exercise.  There's also some altruistic benefit I guess as it will help determine whether or not an insulin pump is truly beneficial for people with diabetes.  This should mean that, in the future, people being newly diagnosed with the condition will receive the best treatment possible.

If you've read a few of my blogs before, you're probably familiar with the concern I have that at some point, my daughter will also develop diabetes.  I think the odds are roughly around 1 in 7 so I suppose I'm partly doing this for her as well as me.

The other side of the coin is the fear and the doubt that accompany any lifestyle change.  For the most part, I control my condition pretty well.  I don't struggle to understand what to do or how to comprehend the science behind it all.  I struggle with self discipline.  I'll have some chocolate because I'm feeling a bit down, or I'll forget/not bother to test my blood as often as I should.  It's lazy and there's no excuse for it - I'm my own worst enemy.

But when all that's said and done, with the correct discipline, I can manage my condition pretty perfectly, which is something to be proud of.  But it's taken me a number of years to get to that level and from tomorrow I'll have to start from scratch.

Thinking about it rationally, the principles aren't going to change overnight and the science will remain the same.  I'll just have to learn a new way to practice it.  I don't think it can be quite as terrifying as it was nearly 12 years ago.  I'm also going to be part of a group of people all in the same boat, so I know I'm not alone.

My only other concern is how it will affect the day to day stuff I take for granted at the moment.  I haven't figured out how I'm going to sleep with the pump attached to me yet (though I suspect "not very well" would be a good answer for the first few nights).  I also don't want it to stop me playing games with my daughter because that's obviously a hugely important part of my life.

I think that overall this will be a good change for me once the learning period is over.  There's a chance I might take to this blog a little more frequently to 'think out loud' about it but as a mechanism for ordering my thoughts a little, the blog really helps.  I'm also lucky that I've got a group of close friends that I know I can rely on to help me when I need it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Andy

The final countdown

Training miles completed this week: 15
Total training miles completed: 223
Training miles left: 9
Training runs left: 2

Hello again

I'll start with an apology this week.  I didn't write a post last week and that was essentially for no other reason than I was sulking a bit about not running.

A day or so after my 20 mile run, I started to feel a bit of pain in my foot so I took a conscious decision to miss a run and let it heal a bit.  There's obviously no point running for the sake of it - an injury this close to the marathon needs to be looked after.  I thought I could miss one run and be back out to properly start my tapering.

Unfortunately I got a migraine which floored me for about 4 days (I think I've mentioned these before) and so I ended up missing another training slot.  That left me feeling a bit downbeat about the whole thing and I didn't feel that blogging any of that negativity would be particularly cathartic.  But I'm back now with my penultimate blog before race day.

I've managed 3 runs this week totalling 15 miles which is encouraging.  I did 4 miles last Thursday and followed that up with 5 and 6 miles.  It's a bit of a twist on the taper plan I had in mind, but I need to bear the injuries in mind and so I've opted for an extra shorter run rather than doing, say, 12 miles and reducing down after that.  I just need to make sure my legs still worked and I'm happy to report that they do.

Skipping the two runs last week has meant I've developed a bit of a complex about being underprepared.  I'm not sure how much of that is the "to be expected" pre race nerves, and how much of it I really believe.  By the time I get on a train to London at the end of next week, I'll have already run 232 miles - equivalent to about 9 full marathons.  I'd like to think that stands me in good stead but at the same time I have a nagging doubt that having done no great distance for a few weeks will be a bit of a set-back.  Hopefully it's the former.

I think nerves are natural at this stage.  I'm venturing into the unknown in more ways than one.  Obviously I've never run a marathon before and equally, I'm running on a route I'm wholly unfamiliar with.  I've also not run with anyone in this sort of race environment for about 17 years (The Rother Valley 10k for those of you in Sheffield).  All this is easily overcome I suppose - I'd just not really considered all these factors until recently.

I'm going to have to focus on my pace in the early miles - I don't want to set off too quickly and burn out too soon.  I know the first 5 or 6 miles can be done at around a 10 min/mile pace and I should hopefully be able to replicate my 11.5 min mile (ish) time to 20 miles.  That gives me a good guide to where I should be and when.  As I've stated all along though, as long as I get round before the medals run out (6pm) then I'll be ecstatic.

I'm considering Google-mapping the route before I set off.  I'm not sure if that's a bit OTT or whether I'll genuinely feel calmer for having visualised the route at least once before I set off.  In all likelihood, I'll probably get bored/frustrated after 2 miles of trying, but it could be worth a shot.


There's been some movement on the fundraising this last 2 weeks which is excellent!  Current total is £837.50 which is another £130 since I last blogged.  The generosity everyone has shown has been incredible!  I do still have some more donations that I've been promised as well so I hope I'll be able to get very close to the £1,000 target.  If you're thinking about donating then please know that even a couple of quid will make a difference - you can click on the subtle fundraising link above, or the less subtle one at the end of this post to donate.  Again, I can't thank people enough for what they've already done - I couldn't have wished for more. 

As always, all money that I raise is being split equally between Diabetes UK and The Sheffield Children's Hospital Charity - two very worthy causes. The Children's Hospital money will be going to help fund a summer camp for children with diabetes which is very worthwhile.

I'll blog next week after my last training run which in itself feels like quite an emotional milestone.  I'm going to do a bit of a "Marathon Training by numbers" post which will either be a bit interesting or not half as fun as I thought it would be - who knows?

As with the running, I feel a bit rusty with the blogging so hopefully this has been a moderately interesting post for me to return with.  As I say, I'll try and sum everything up next week and perhaps talk about where this blog goes after the marathon is all done, because to be perfectly honest with you, I don't have an answer for that just yet.

Thanks for sticking with me today and if you've been with me since the start, thank you for making it this far.  I really appreciate all the support you've all given me.

Take care and have a good week

Andy

You can donate at any time by clicking on this fundraising link

Self doubt and inner voices

Training miles completed this week: 22
Total training miles completed: 172
Training miles left: 47 + taper off period
Training runs left: 10

Hello - happy Wednesday

Arduous, brutal, crushing, exhausting, punishing and tortuous.  I think I used the word 'grueling' last week to describe how running 16 miles felt.  These new words are more appropriate for how 18 miles feels.

I managed the distance in a not-utterly-unacceptable time of 3hrs 35minutes - essentially a 12 minute mile average.  But the actual run was possibly the most agonising thing I can remember doing.  The first 9 miles was OK (1hr 37mins) but the second half was best summed up using one of the words above.  I got to about 15 miles before I really felt like it'd beaten me - legs felt heavy, ankle felt stiff, agonising pain in my back and persistent cramping in my calf put me on the verge of tears.  I was in no fit state to really measure but I think I ended up running about 100 yards at a time and walking for distances inbetween.

I got in and for the first time actually said "I don't know if I can do this" out loud.  Fortunately, my incredibly understanding wife was able to talk some sense into me.  The doubt was there for a few minutes though and it didn't feel good. 

I'm absolutely under no illusions now about how difficult this is going to be, no misconceptions about how painful it will be or how mentally exhausted I'll be when I get to the end.  Making myself run when my mind is telling me I can't is beyond draining.  It goes against all sense and logic but I need to keep going now.  There are 38 days left until the marathon - that's not long at all and I need to stay focused until then.

Whilst that 18 miles gave me plenty to think about, there were a few positives that came out of it, and they need to be mentioned as much, if not more, than the battle with my demons.

Firstly - I actually finished the distance.  I may have walked a lot more than I would have liked, but I did it.  If I had to walk another 8 miles then I (probably) could have done.  Secondly, where I was convinced last week that I'd possibly brusied the bone in my foot, I managed the whole distance without even so much as a slight jolt of pain from that injury.  That's really encouraging.  Finally, for all the training I do, I know I can't replicate the actual event itself.  I'm hoping the crowds, the change of scenery and running alongside other people is going to give me a boost that I'll be able to put a decent performance in one the day.

For those considering backing me to win it (or to finish inside 5 hours) you might be best advised to keep hold of your money...

I think one of the reasons the run was so tough was that I got my blood sugar levels completely wrong at the weekend.  They were at a similar level when I set off to what they were the previous week.  But the level didn't drop at all as I expected and I managed the entire run without a single jelly baby to keep me going.  Whilst I may have hit the wall at around mile 15, I don't feel like I ever really got into a decent rhythm and I think my sugar levels might have something to do with that.  I've got 2 big runs left to try and sort that problem out.  Worst case scenario is that I have to test my levels around London, But I'd like to avoid that is possible.

More fundraising money has come in this week which is good news!  I've finally got a paper sponsor form to carry around, and my wife is drumming up support in here office as well.  Current total is £545 and I'm hoping I can break the £700 barrier before April 22nd.  I've given my close friends and family enough time to think about donating and now I'm actively calling that money in so I hope I'll be able to report another increase next week.  A number of people that follow me on Twitter have also pledged to donate which is incredibly kind of them.

One of the things that's really struck me is how unwavering the support has been for what I'm doing, particularly from people I've met perhaps once or twice, and in some cases, not at all.  Their belief and encouragement has been fantastic, and their willingness to donate money on the scale they have is out of this world.  It's that kind of thing that really keeps me going as the end comes into sight.

As always, all money that I raise is being split between Diabetes UK and The Sheffield Children's Hospital Charity - two very worthy causes. The Children's Hospital money will be going to help fund a summer camp for children with diabetes which is very worthwhile

I'd also just like to thank Ellie from Diabetes UK and Tonya from Sheffield Children's for all their help this last week - they do a great job deserve to be well recognised.

16 miles this weekend before a psychologically huge 20 miles the weekend after.  I can vaguely remember looking at those distances on the plan back in November and thinking how far away they were and how incredible it was to think I could manage those distances. 

The end is in sight now and I'm detemined not to let anyone down.

Thanks for reading - your support is incredible

Take care

Andy

150 not out

Training miles completed this week: 21
Total training miles completed: 150
Training miles left: 69 + taper off period
Training runs left: 12 (inc taper period)

Hello again

This last week has seen a couple of milestones fall by the wayside.  Firstly, as this week's title suggests, I completed my 150th training mile.  It sounds like a lot but I guess having that spread out over a fair few months it's probably not quite as fanfare worthy as it seems.

The other milestone was ticking off a 16 mile run on Saturday morning.  This one is important for a number of reasons I think.  Firstly, it's the furthest distance I've ever managed and I'm not hobbling around in agony so that's promising.  Secondly, I've now got an idea of how much the full distance is going to hurt and I know I can cope with the aches and the pains (to a degree) so that's good to know. I managed it in a respectable 3 hours, which, considering how I felt after about 7 miles, was a more than decent time. Finally, I managed the distance with good control of my diabetes.

Following on from my dietician appointment, we'd discussed monitoring my blood sugar while I was running to understand what I'll need to do to be at my bets come race day.  My figures looked like this:

Start: 22.1mmol (high but I'd eaten a decent breakfast and had a slightly elevated level from the night before)
8 miles: 8.0mmol - ate 4 jelly babies
12 miles 9.6mmol
14miles 5.6 - ate 4 jelly babies
Finish (after cool down etc) 6.4mmol

To be honest, I don't think I could have wished for it to have been any better than that.  Obviously I can't use one run as a guide and I'll be testing over the next 3 weekends as well, but it seems the "1-2 jelly babies per mile" advice that I read seems to hold out OK.  I'll monitor that going forward.

I did an easy 5 miles tonight but managed to do it in a record 50 minutes flat - knocking another 3 minutes off my best time for the distance.  Over the past fortnight I've got it down from 55 to 50 minutes so I'm very pleased with that.


I've been struggling over the last week with running.  Not in a physical way per se (although the aches after the long runs are a challenge).  It's the mental aspect of it which is now daunting me.  I'm confident I'll survive the course now - I've run enough to know that I think.  I don't think I've been prepared for how emotionally draining the training gets over the final few weeks.  Getting myself into the mindset of running long distances, and having the inner strength to keep myself going is a lot harder than I'd imagined and I'll really need to work on that between now and the race.


I think that's part of the reason I ran so quickly tonight - I wanted to blow away a few cobwebs and try and motivate myself.  

I've been wanting to go out and do a few extra runs over the last week or so - nothing major - just an extra couple of miles a week but I've stopped myself because I'm scared I'll overdo it and injure myself.  I found the 16 miles tough at the weekend and I guess that's to be expected at the best of times, but when I remember what I've been through to get here, coupled with the fact that a basic training schedule should be 3 runs per week, I think I should be pleased overall.  I feel confident I can finish the distance now and that's a great boost.

Nothing much happening from a diabetes poiint of view which I suppose is good news really.  I've been having a few higher readings in the morning of late but if I'm a bit stricter about testing my blood sugar a couple of times before bed then I should be able to eradicate those.  I've probably also been suffering from the effects of eating leftover birthday cake from my daughter's party but that contributing factor has now been dealt with...

A bit more fundraising money has come in this week which is good news!  Thanks to those that contributed this week, and another thank you to everyone who's put their hand in their pocket so far.  I'm now exactly halfway to my £1000 goal so, with a little over 6 weeks to go, there's a big push to get as close to the target as possible.  I had some incentives put my way this week, in that a couple of people have pledged £30 each if I get my time below 4:48 for the marathon.  As I've said all along, my time isn't important to me, but if I'm through mile 25 and that time is in sight, it should give me the motivation to get over the line.   As always, all money raised is being split between Diabetes UK and The Sheffield Children's Hospital Charity - two very worthy causes.

As I suggested over the last few weeks, the closer I get to April 22nd, the more I might shamelessly beg you for a few quid, so if you can spare anything at all, please click on the fundraising link above and donate.  I'll be eternally grateful if you do.

I'll leave it there for this week - got a big 18 mile run ahead of me on Sunday.  Hoping it goes as well as last weekend.

Thanks, as ever, for taking the time to read this - your support is incredibly important to me.

Have a good week

Andy

Open and Honest

Training miles completed this week: 11.5
Total training miles completed: 58.5
Training miles left: 187.5
Training runs left: 30

Hi - thanks for stopping by.

Whilst I only write these updates once a week, it feels like they're coming around a lot more frequently.  I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or a good thing.  It's always nice to be able to give an update on how things are going, but with every week that passes, I'm getting closer to the start line without really feeling prepared.

This week I've managed another two runs and I've had the chance to try and start to really plan for doing some bigger distances.  Running on a weekday evening is usually quite straightforward - I can have a snack (current choice being a banana) before I leave work and then I feel sufficiently fuelled up to run in the evening.

It's a bit more inconvenient for a Saturday morning run though.  This past weekend I did 5.5 miles in a very respectable 58 minutes - it felt like a good run at the time and I was very pleased with the pace.  As I'm usually out running by 7am, getting adequately fuelled meant waking up at 4:15am to eat something then having a couple more hours in bed before setting off.  I think that may become a feature over the next few months - particularly with a 12 mile run on the cards at the end of February.  It's not ideal by any means, but needs are...

The 6 miles tonight went well in some respects but not so well in others.  I managed the distance in 65 minutes which is pretty respectable considering everything.  I started to get a bit of pain between mile 3 and 4 but got through it.  It feels uncomfortable now as I'm typing but I'm hoping 3 days of rest will help to reduce any lingering effects.  Keep your fingers crossed...

I've talked previously about various routes I've taken but I think I've finally found one I can use to build up to at least 10 miles without too much trouble.  If you have a look at last week's post you'll see the map I used for 5 miles.  As this is a fairly flat route (for Sheffield at least) I plan on just running slightly further from home each time before turning back.  I used this for the 5.5 miles and the 6 mile run this week as well.

With regards to my injury, I'm definitely feeling a lot more discomfort in between runs now (and during them as you've seen above).  The physio exercises do help but I think I'm coming round to the idea that I'm just going to have to put up with the aches and the pain over the next few months.  I'm already putting in the lower end of the required amount of training and can't really afford to fall further behind.  As long as I can run, I'm going to keep doing so.  It's been nearly 4 years since the injury and the fact that it's still giving me pain makes me feel like it's something that I'm not going to be able to shake off.  Time will tell I think.

Following on from last week's diabetes update, my levels have come back down to sit within the normal range they were in before Christmas.  I've got a blood test next week (I hate needles by the way - not ideal for a diabetic at the best of times, but blood tests really bring out the worst in me), and should have the results when I see the consultant on Feb 1st.  That'll really give the best indication of how well my control has been.  Anything under 10 will be great, whilst I'd love to see a number under 8.

That consultant appointment will give me a good opportunity to discuss whether or not my medication regime needs to change in the build up to the marathon.  I've read a lot of articles about how people adapted their injections to cope with a run, but everyone is different so it'll be good to have that conversation and try and figure out the best approach.

I've not been sleeping too well recently and I think that's for a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm finding it hard to switch off.  My life feels like a never ending stream of numbers and maths problems at the moment - mile times, distances, blood sugar levels etc.  As I mentioned last week, I'm trying to understand the effect that running has on my sugar levels as well so that's something else to add into the mix as well.  Obviously feeling fully fit and rested is key to running - I think I just need to find some good relaxation techniques before bed.

Secondly, I'm scared.  I'm scared that I'll get on to serious distances and I'll break down.  I'm scared all this hard work will be in vain.  I'm scared I won't raise any money.  I'm scared I'll lose control of my diabetes.  I'm scared I'll have a diabetic episode halfway around London.  And I'm scared I'll let people down.  I know I shouldn't be - everyone is so supportive and I can't thank them enough for their kinds words and encouragement.  But fear isn't a rational reaction and I need to conquer it pretty quickly, to rid myself of the distractions.  I'll probably come back to these points in the next week or so.

Finally a more positive word about fundraising.  I had a conversation with @Victoria1867 on Twitter and she suggested putting together a photobook of well known Sheffield landmarks with a bit of a twist on the images to make them unconventional yet still recognisable.  I'm fairly confident I can get some good shots over the next couple of weeks and then it's a case of editing them and getting some printed.  Proceeds will all go to the charities I'm fundraising for so if that sounds like something you'd be interested in buying then do let me know.  And a big thank you to Victoria for taking the time to talk through some fundraising ideas - it's really appreciated.  Don't forget you can visit the fundraising page or find out more about Diabetes UK or The Sheffield Children's Hospital Charity by clicking on the links.

I think I'll leave it there for this week.  The mantra remains pretty much the same - build up the distance, keep doing what I'm doing, and mitigate the pain as best I can.

Thanks for reading - I hope it's not starting to feel like too much of the same each week.  It's starting to get into a critical few weeks for the training so hopefully all the hard work over the last 4 months will start to pay dividends.  Your continued support means a lot.

Take care

Andy