Weeks Ten and Eleven - (Im)balance

Predictably I missed last Monday as it was a Bank Holiday and I had a week off.  I missed posting yesterday because I wasn't sure I had the right words to be able to articulate what I wanted to say.   I'm still not sure I do but let's see where this goes eh?

Since I last posed, I've edged a year closer to 40.  Facebook memories see to suggest I'm forever bound to say "older but not wiser - haha" and that absolutely feels true in one sense, but maybe less so in another.

Over the last year, I think StressControl and CBT have taught me some sense of self-awareness that I wasn't really conscious of before.  Whether I'm actually wise enough to be conscious of it in the moments I need to is a wholly different matter.

Absolutely I am Dwight

One of the main themes at StressControl was about how we often judge ourselves more harshly than we would others and are our own worst critic.  At CBT we talked about how powerful meaningful relationships are and how they can make a really positive difference to how we feel.  I guess that latter part at least is familiar to many people right now given that lockdown has many of us distanced from those people we rely on.

I think where I've often felt like I've struggled is in finding those relationships.  I've got a catalogue of reasons why that's the case - you can leaf through that at your own leisure - but I think I large part of it is down to not being able to understand where the right balance (or equilibrium - get some mileage out of that economics degree) is.

But this is where the words dry up a little.  I'm not sure how to get that final point down:

    a) without coming across with an inflated sense of self-importance 

    b) succinctly or 

    c) in any kind of way which actually gets to the heart of what I'm trying to say

I guess the point is that I often feel like I mis-judge what those friend/relationships should look like or what the dynamic is.  Pushing way too hard when there's no need, cutting myself off entirely because it's easier than working through what the middle ground should look like or just driving myself crazy with self-doubt, worry and anxiety.  Where this was bad before, lockdown has made it a lot worse.

Imbalance

I've thought about referring myself back to IAPT but I'm still not sure I'm clear on the thing that would be most helpful so I'm keeping that in my back pocket for now.  I've thought about seeing a GP though that's kind of a nuclear option I'd rather not take.  And there's no way I'm going near a surgery right now in any case.

I think I've got most of the tools and knowledge to be able to make this better (there's the wisdom) but it's still difficult to take that mental step back and use them objectively.  That bit is really hard, and the nagging self-doubt that asks whether I am good enough makes it tougher.

It's ridiculous when you see it like this - but seeing it like this is the tough part

As this blog becomes progressively about mental health and less about diabetes, I probably need to grab food so I don't have a hypo in a meeting later on.

Stay safe x

(And don't worry, I've ordered Lego)