Week Thirteen - Perception

Another week, another post where the blank page has been open for 24 hours and half an idea is floating around in my head as I try to pin it down.

I think it vaguely ties in with what I said a couple of weeks ago about how it's sometimes hard to judge where you are in a relationship (short-hand for an interaction with someone else - not exclusively 'romantic') and how it can impact on self-esteem despite best efforts.

As most things often do, it starts with music.  Music is brilliant obviously - having that ability to conjure up a person, place or moment in time based on a few notes played in a certain order is something special.  Part of the problem of course is that it works both ways - for every moment you want to remember, there's usually something you're trying to forget (and obviously they're always the songs that stick in your head).  To steal from Jay-Z's Blueprint² album title - it's a gift and a curse.

This starts with a track from The Streets' 2008 album 'Everything Is Borrowed' - namely "I Love You More (Than You Like Me)"

'Perfect Sound Whatever' by James Acaster is a great read about music and mental health

Of course the thing with music that makes it so brilliant is that the interpretation becomes personal to us.  I can't ever understand what prompted Mike Skinner to write that song but I know that those 10 words - I think I love you more than you like me - have almost become a kind of shorthand for my perception of many of my relationships.

That's not to say it's actually true by any means of course, but that perception is sometimes difficult to disentangle yourself from.  I'd been trying to think about why that is and I think it's down to certainty - or more specifically, a lack of it.

Most of the time I'm fairly clear about what I'm thinking, even if actually articulating it is somewhat difficult (*cough* case in point *cough*) but knowing what someone else is thinking or feeling is a lot less clear and is often where our old friends Worry and Anxiety pop round uninvited and put their feet up on the sofa.

Objectively there's nothing to worry about of course - those relationships you've had for years have stood for that long because they're built on solid foundations.  Nothing to worry about right?

I love this one

"What if they didn't understand what I meant when....?"

"What if I upset them when...?"

"What if they're mad because...?"

"What if they don't want to be friends anymore...?"

I had my eyes opened at StressControl last year when I found out that not everybody thinks these things and worries about them like I do.  If you're one of those people, then kudos to you - but it partly felt like my reality was being torn down and rebuilt.  Again, objectively of course people don't all think like that because it makes very little logical sense.  But it's hard to free yourself from that when it's been your perception for so long.

Under the old regime there were a few tried and tested options when those questions started floating around:

1. Seek any kind of constant reassurance (explicitly or implicitly) that the last thing I'd said hadn't been misinterpreted or that you'd not upset the status quo
2. Qualify what (I thought) I'd done wrong in a painstaking level of detail that would make War & Peace look like a short story
3. Assume I'm burdensome and a distraction that people would happily do without (not in that way - chill)
4. Shut down - don't make the effort because it can't or won't be reciprocated in the way I expect - better to not bother than show vulnerability

Point number 3

Point number 4

Sorry - a lot of relevant memes this week...

And so, via a slightly circuitous route, we come back to Mike Skinner and the woes he and I share - "I think I love you more than you like me".  The last couple of points on that list above are the kinds of things I associate that line with - being at the extreme of one feeling while perceiving that everyone else is at the far end of another.

That perception genuinely feels hard to get over sometimes, though I've learned that often it's the arbitrary expectations that come with the perception that compound those difficulties.  Relationships can't be quantified or measured - they're things we know, feel and trust in.  

Worry and anxiety can make us question those things we know to be true, and have faith in and so, like with most things, it's the same few tricks that help us through.  What would we tell a friend feeling that way?  What is the likelihood that the thing we're obsessing over is actually happening?  How do we make mental space to be able to evaluate what we're thinking and experiencing in a rational way?   If in doubt, play the greatest hits right?

I envy the people that have that in-built way of just knowing this stuff is all OK without it being a large number of conscious thoughts.  Maybe you're all sociopaths or something?   Sorry - what I meant by that was..... please don't be mad at me.... are you upset....? Etc etc forever and ever...

(Oh - in diabetes news, I've had four consecutive days with bloods all under 10mmol so I guess I'm cured or something... - come for the sadness, stay for the diabetes)

Stay safe. Love you (more than you like me) x

Mental Strength

This blog was first posted on the Diabetes UK blog site

When discussing diabetes, it can be quite easy to revert to familiar topics depending on who you speak to. Talking to other people with diabetes can lead to trading war stories about particularly unpleasant hypos or serious hospital stays as well as what type of therapy they use to manage their condition. Talking to people who don't have first hand experience of diabetes can turn into a discussion about being type-aware or explaining (for what may feel like the millionth time) that yes, you can have a biscuit/chocolate/piece of cake without needing serious medical attention.

What doesn't get possibly as much discussion are the mental aspects of having diabetes. I'm by no means an expert but I think it's important to make time to give these 'hidden' aspects as much consideration as other factors.

I think it can be quite easy to bypass how you feel about having diabetes because living with it becomes such a normal part of your day, you don't necessarily stop to think about it.

What prompted me to consider this quite recently was the set of forms I received as part of my REPOSE 6 month follow up. The premise is quite simple - you're faced with a number of statements and asked to score them on a scale of 1-5 based on your experiences over the last 4 weeks (e.g. very likely to very unlikely, extremely important to totally unimportant etc.)

That sort of process in itself isn't anything new, but what it does offer is a chance to reflect on those moments when you might have felt sad, angry or frustrated and not consciously understood the reason why.

Some of the questions are quite generic and deal with how you rate your quality of life overall, how you feel on a daily basis and so on. Others ask you to consider how living with the specifics of diabetes affects your relationships with the people around you and your day to day activities or future ambitions.

Whilst I wouldn't dream to speak definitively for anyone else, I'm sure that at some point, many people with diabetes have experienced some sense of anger or frustration that relates to their condition and I know I certainly have. What I don't tend to do is reflect on those feelings and either rationalise them or find someone who can help me with them.

If I were to ask you how much you feel burdened about having to think about your nutrition or how frustrating you find the fact that others don't understand your treatment, you might not give them too much thought. Hopefully for the vast majority of people, such things really aren't factors in your day to day life. However, for some people, struggling through on new regime of insulin therapy or coming to terms with a recent diagnosis can leave them feeling stranded and alone.

Whether you've been diabetic for 12 weeks for 12 years, you're bound to go through difficult times at some stage and but it's being able to manage them that is important.

My lowest point came after about seven years after my diagnosis (I'll have been a fully paid up member of the T1 club for 12 years in October). I got to a point where testing my BG and seeing constantly high numbers would make me feel depressed so I stopped testing regularly. I don't mean that I'd test once a day, I'd be lucky if I tested once a week. As a result my HbA1c rose steadily and I was going to 6 monthly hospital reviews armed with more and more constructive excuses and promises that things would be different next time. I'd be economical with the truth with my family because I felt ashamed I wasn't looking after myself when really I didn't want to admit that I either felt too exhausted to do it, or I couldn't remember how. This continued for about 18 months before I eventually came clean and with the help of my wonderful wife, I started to get things back on track.

I'm incredibly lucky that I have a very supportive family and a great relationship with my specialist team that helps me through the tougher times. There's also a lot of other support out there in various other guises and there's also a growing online community of people with diabetes who can listen and help you.

Filling in my 6 monthly review forms has been a cathartic experience and a reminder that whilst things might feel good today, I've also experienced some serious low points and managed to come through them relatively unscathed.   If I'd had to fill in the same forms a few weeks after getting my insulin pump, I know for a fact that the answers to some questions would have been markedly different but being able to reach out for support to the right people at the right time has made me stronger.

The final countdown

Training miles completed this week: 15
Total training miles completed: 223
Training miles left: 9
Training runs left: 2

Hello again

I'll start with an apology this week.  I didn't write a post last week and that was essentially for no other reason than I was sulking a bit about not running.

A day or so after my 20 mile run, I started to feel a bit of pain in my foot so I took a conscious decision to miss a run and let it heal a bit.  There's obviously no point running for the sake of it - an injury this close to the marathon needs to be looked after.  I thought I could miss one run and be back out to properly start my tapering.

Unfortunately I got a migraine which floored me for about 4 days (I think I've mentioned these before) and so I ended up missing another training slot.  That left me feeling a bit downbeat about the whole thing and I didn't feel that blogging any of that negativity would be particularly cathartic.  But I'm back now with my penultimate blog before race day.

I've managed 3 runs this week totalling 15 miles which is encouraging.  I did 4 miles last Thursday and followed that up with 5 and 6 miles.  It's a bit of a twist on the taper plan I had in mind, but I need to bear the injuries in mind and so I've opted for an extra shorter run rather than doing, say, 12 miles and reducing down after that.  I just need to make sure my legs still worked and I'm happy to report that they do.

Skipping the two runs last week has meant I've developed a bit of a complex about being underprepared.  I'm not sure how much of that is the "to be expected" pre race nerves, and how much of it I really believe.  By the time I get on a train to London at the end of next week, I'll have already run 232 miles - equivalent to about 9 full marathons.  I'd like to think that stands me in good stead but at the same time I have a nagging doubt that having done no great distance for a few weeks will be a bit of a set-back.  Hopefully it's the former.

I think nerves are natural at this stage.  I'm venturing into the unknown in more ways than one.  Obviously I've never run a marathon before and equally, I'm running on a route I'm wholly unfamiliar with.  I've also not run with anyone in this sort of race environment for about 17 years (The Rother Valley 10k for those of you in Sheffield).  All this is easily overcome I suppose - I'd just not really considered all these factors until recently.

I'm going to have to focus on my pace in the early miles - I don't want to set off too quickly and burn out too soon.  I know the first 5 or 6 miles can be done at around a 10 min/mile pace and I should hopefully be able to replicate my 11.5 min mile (ish) time to 20 miles.  That gives me a good guide to where I should be and when.  As I've stated all along though, as long as I get round before the medals run out (6pm) then I'll be ecstatic.

I'm considering Google-mapping the route before I set off.  I'm not sure if that's a bit OTT or whether I'll genuinely feel calmer for having visualised the route at least once before I set off.  In all likelihood, I'll probably get bored/frustrated after 2 miles of trying, but it could be worth a shot.


There's been some movement on the fundraising this last 2 weeks which is excellent!  Current total is £837.50 which is another £130 since I last blogged.  The generosity everyone has shown has been incredible!  I do still have some more donations that I've been promised as well so I hope I'll be able to get very close to the £1,000 target.  If you're thinking about donating then please know that even a couple of quid will make a difference - you can click on the subtle fundraising link above, or the less subtle one at the end of this post to donate.  Again, I can't thank people enough for what they've already done - I couldn't have wished for more. 

As always, all money that I raise is being split equally between Diabetes UK and The Sheffield Children's Hospital Charity - two very worthy causes. The Children's Hospital money will be going to help fund a summer camp for children with diabetes which is very worthwhile.

I'll blog next week after my last training run which in itself feels like quite an emotional milestone.  I'm going to do a bit of a "Marathon Training by numbers" post which will either be a bit interesting or not half as fun as I thought it would be - who knows?

As with the running, I feel a bit rusty with the blogging so hopefully this has been a moderately interesting post for me to return with.  As I say, I'll try and sum everything up next week and perhaps talk about where this blog goes after the marathon is all done, because to be perfectly honest with you, I don't have an answer for that just yet.

Thanks for sticking with me today and if you've been with me since the start, thank you for making it this far.  I really appreciate all the support you've all given me.

Take care and have a good week

Andy

You can donate at any time by clicking on this fundraising link

Pain management

Training miles completed this week: 16
Total training miles completed: 188
Training miles left: 25 + taper off period
Training runs left: 8

Hello again.

There's only 31 days left until I'll be lining up to start the marathon.  It feels like yesterday I remember the countdown being 180 days and thinking I had all the time in the world to train and prepare.

Training is definitely beginning to take it's toll now, with pretty much every day spent ignoring some form of pain.  I think that it (being in pain) has been so much of the norm for me over the past 4 years that I'm surprised that I can still really feel it at all.

But I can feel it and the major battle I've had this week has been in my mind.  For those of you who know me, you'll know that I'm a bit stubborn from time to time, and training is one of those areas where I'm the most bloody-minded of all.  I'll try and explain...

I've come to terms with the fact that it's unlikely I'll ever really lose the aches and pains in my foot if I want to continue any form of running based exercise.  It's the new, less familiar pain that I'm struggling to get used to.  When I did my 4 mile run last week, I had a bit of pain in my ankle joints and in my legs, but I passed it off as lack of proper stretching and warm-up.  I did 16 miles on Saturday morning and the pain was there again but I ran through it and it disappeared after about 4 miles.  (I managed the distance in 3:04 and I felt like I could have kept jogging/walking as well which was pleasing)

I Googled shin splints when I got in as it seemed to be the only condition I could think of that would make sense.  And reading through the causes and symptoms, it does make a lot of sense.  I'm not going to visit my GP for it as I know the answer is rest.  I also don't want someone to tell me I can't run because I've worked too hard to get to where I am.

On the other hand, I constantly remind myself that I've already done less training than someone preparing for their first marathon should do and so missing any distance at all never really seems acceptable to me.  I'm into the mindset that I'm 'only' doing 6 miles so it shouldn't be a problem, not really letting myself understand that 6 miles is a distance that means I need to take care.

Ultimately, my goal is to do the marathon and if that means cutting back on my training and resting sensibly then that's what I should do, no matter how hard it might be.

I've decided to skip my 6 mile run for tonight in favour of resting and keeping my 20 mile run on track for the weekend.  Whether that turns out to be a sensible decision or not, only time will tell but it feels like a good compromise.  I think I wrote some weeks back about saying that I'd cut down to one run a week if that's what I needed to do.  There's only 4 weeks left and I think getting this close to race day and feeling ready to compete is an achievement in itself.  If I only do 4 more runs instead of 8 then it doesn't really matter - I just need to convince myself of that.

I've conquered my battered ankle, (possible) shin splints, at least one stress fractured toe (possibly two) and now I just need to get the better of my own psyche.

I managed my blood sugar really well again on the last 16 mile jaunt (reaffirming my belief that the 18 mile run was so painful because I got things wrong).  I'm convinced now that 8 miles and then 4 jelly babies every 4 miles will get me round comfortably.  I'm glad to have one less thing to worry about.

There's been some more fundraising money in this week which is good news!  Current total is £575 and I'm hoping I can break the £700 barrier before April 22nd.  I'm becoming a bit more direct in terms of sponsorship requests now (as the people in my office will be finding out this week) so I'm still hopeful of making at least £700 before I top up the rest to £1000.  The generosity everyone has shown has been incredible!

As always, all money that I raise is being split between Diabetes UK and The Sheffield Children's Hospital Charity - two very worthy causes. The Children's Hospital money will be going to help fund a summer camp for children with diabetes which is very worthwhile.

I had an interesting conversation with my daughter this week.  She came up to tell me that she had a poorly tummy and she needed an injection to feel better.  She sees me injecting before meals and asks what I'm doing.  I tell her it's because I'm not very well and I have to take medicine.  It's hard to see her mimicking what I do because one of my big fears is that she'll end up the same way.  But I don't see the point in hiding it from her either.  Fortunately, this only lasted a couple of days this time.

Finally, a word on another blog you might enjoy.  A friend of mine has entered the Tough Mudder event in November and has started a training regime that will ultimately put me to shame.  You can follow Sam's progress here - it's a great read.  We seemed to have a bit of a virtual running club on Twitter at the moment and it's great to get support and chat things through with people doing the same thing.  A really valuable way to stay sane.  Thanks - you know who you are.

Have a good week - hopefully next time I'll be able to report on a decent 20 mile slog.

Take care

Andy

You can donate at any time by clicking on this fundraising link

Self doubt and inner voices

Training miles completed this week: 22
Total training miles completed: 172
Training miles left: 47 + taper off period
Training runs left: 10

Hello - happy Wednesday

Arduous, brutal, crushing, exhausting, punishing and tortuous.  I think I used the word 'grueling' last week to describe how running 16 miles felt.  These new words are more appropriate for how 18 miles feels.

I managed the distance in a not-utterly-unacceptable time of 3hrs 35minutes - essentially a 12 minute mile average.  But the actual run was possibly the most agonising thing I can remember doing.  The first 9 miles was OK (1hr 37mins) but the second half was best summed up using one of the words above.  I got to about 15 miles before I really felt like it'd beaten me - legs felt heavy, ankle felt stiff, agonising pain in my back and persistent cramping in my calf put me on the verge of tears.  I was in no fit state to really measure but I think I ended up running about 100 yards at a time and walking for distances inbetween.

I got in and for the first time actually said "I don't know if I can do this" out loud.  Fortunately, my incredibly understanding wife was able to talk some sense into me.  The doubt was there for a few minutes though and it didn't feel good. 

I'm absolutely under no illusions now about how difficult this is going to be, no misconceptions about how painful it will be or how mentally exhausted I'll be when I get to the end.  Making myself run when my mind is telling me I can't is beyond draining.  It goes against all sense and logic but I need to keep going now.  There are 38 days left until the marathon - that's not long at all and I need to stay focused until then.

Whilst that 18 miles gave me plenty to think about, there were a few positives that came out of it, and they need to be mentioned as much, if not more, than the battle with my demons.

Firstly - I actually finished the distance.  I may have walked a lot more than I would have liked, but I did it.  If I had to walk another 8 miles then I (probably) could have done.  Secondly, where I was convinced last week that I'd possibly brusied the bone in my foot, I managed the whole distance without even so much as a slight jolt of pain from that injury.  That's really encouraging.  Finally, for all the training I do, I know I can't replicate the actual event itself.  I'm hoping the crowds, the change of scenery and running alongside other people is going to give me a boost that I'll be able to put a decent performance in one the day.

For those considering backing me to win it (or to finish inside 5 hours) you might be best advised to keep hold of your money...

I think one of the reasons the run was so tough was that I got my blood sugar levels completely wrong at the weekend.  They were at a similar level when I set off to what they were the previous week.  But the level didn't drop at all as I expected and I managed the entire run without a single jelly baby to keep me going.  Whilst I may have hit the wall at around mile 15, I don't feel like I ever really got into a decent rhythm and I think my sugar levels might have something to do with that.  I've got 2 big runs left to try and sort that problem out.  Worst case scenario is that I have to test my levels around London, But I'd like to avoid that is possible.

More fundraising money has come in this week which is good news!  I've finally got a paper sponsor form to carry around, and my wife is drumming up support in here office as well.  Current total is £545 and I'm hoping I can break the £700 barrier before April 22nd.  I've given my close friends and family enough time to think about donating and now I'm actively calling that money in so I hope I'll be able to report another increase next week.  A number of people that follow me on Twitter have also pledged to donate which is incredibly kind of them.

One of the things that's really struck me is how unwavering the support has been for what I'm doing, particularly from people I've met perhaps once or twice, and in some cases, not at all.  Their belief and encouragement has been fantastic, and their willingness to donate money on the scale they have is out of this world.  It's that kind of thing that really keeps me going as the end comes into sight.

As always, all money that I raise is being split between Diabetes UK and The Sheffield Children's Hospital Charity - two very worthy causes. The Children's Hospital money will be going to help fund a summer camp for children with diabetes which is very worthwhile

I'd also just like to thank Ellie from Diabetes UK and Tonya from Sheffield Children's for all their help this last week - they do a great job deserve to be well recognised.

16 miles this weekend before a psychologically huge 20 miles the weekend after.  I can vaguely remember looking at those distances on the plan back in November and thinking how far away they were and how incredible it was to think I could manage those distances. 

The end is in sight now and I'm detemined not to let anyone down.

Thanks for reading - your support is incredible

Take care

Andy

150 not out

Training miles completed this week: 21
Total training miles completed: 150
Training miles left: 69 + taper off period
Training runs left: 12 (inc taper period)

Hello again

This last week has seen a couple of milestones fall by the wayside.  Firstly, as this week's title suggests, I completed my 150th training mile.  It sounds like a lot but I guess having that spread out over a fair few months it's probably not quite as fanfare worthy as it seems.

The other milestone was ticking off a 16 mile run on Saturday morning.  This one is important for a number of reasons I think.  Firstly, it's the furthest distance I've ever managed and I'm not hobbling around in agony so that's promising.  Secondly, I've now got an idea of how much the full distance is going to hurt and I know I can cope with the aches and the pains (to a degree) so that's good to know. I managed it in a respectable 3 hours, which, considering how I felt after about 7 miles, was a more than decent time. Finally, I managed the distance with good control of my diabetes.

Following on from my dietician appointment, we'd discussed monitoring my blood sugar while I was running to understand what I'll need to do to be at my bets come race day.  My figures looked like this:

Start: 22.1mmol (high but I'd eaten a decent breakfast and had a slightly elevated level from the night before)
8 miles: 8.0mmol - ate 4 jelly babies
12 miles 9.6mmol
14miles 5.6 - ate 4 jelly babies
Finish (after cool down etc) 6.4mmol

To be honest, I don't think I could have wished for it to have been any better than that.  Obviously I can't use one run as a guide and I'll be testing over the next 3 weekends as well, but it seems the "1-2 jelly babies per mile" advice that I read seems to hold out OK.  I'll monitor that going forward.

I did an easy 5 miles tonight but managed to do it in a record 50 minutes flat - knocking another 3 minutes off my best time for the distance.  Over the past fortnight I've got it down from 55 to 50 minutes so I'm very pleased with that.


I've been struggling over the last week with running.  Not in a physical way per se (although the aches after the long runs are a challenge).  It's the mental aspect of it which is now daunting me.  I'm confident I'll survive the course now - I've run enough to know that I think.  I don't think I've been prepared for how emotionally draining the training gets over the final few weeks.  Getting myself into the mindset of running long distances, and having the inner strength to keep myself going is a lot harder than I'd imagined and I'll really need to work on that between now and the race.


I think that's part of the reason I ran so quickly tonight - I wanted to blow away a few cobwebs and try and motivate myself.  

I've been wanting to go out and do a few extra runs over the last week or so - nothing major - just an extra couple of miles a week but I've stopped myself because I'm scared I'll overdo it and injure myself.  I found the 16 miles tough at the weekend and I guess that's to be expected at the best of times, but when I remember what I've been through to get here, coupled with the fact that a basic training schedule should be 3 runs per week, I think I should be pleased overall.  I feel confident I can finish the distance now and that's a great boost.

Nothing much happening from a diabetes poiint of view which I suppose is good news really.  I've been having a few higher readings in the morning of late but if I'm a bit stricter about testing my blood sugar a couple of times before bed then I should be able to eradicate those.  I've probably also been suffering from the effects of eating leftover birthday cake from my daughter's party but that contributing factor has now been dealt with...

A bit more fundraising money has come in this week which is good news!  Thanks to those that contributed this week, and another thank you to everyone who's put their hand in their pocket so far.  I'm now exactly halfway to my £1000 goal so, with a little over 6 weeks to go, there's a big push to get as close to the target as possible.  I had some incentives put my way this week, in that a couple of people have pledged £30 each if I get my time below 4:48 for the marathon.  As I've said all along, my time isn't important to me, but if I'm through mile 25 and that time is in sight, it should give me the motivation to get over the line.   As always, all money raised is being split between Diabetes UK and The Sheffield Children's Hospital Charity - two very worthy causes.

As I suggested over the last few weeks, the closer I get to April 22nd, the more I might shamelessly beg you for a few quid, so if you can spare anything at all, please click on the fundraising link above and donate.  I'll be eternally grateful if you do.

I'll leave it there for this week - got a big 18 mile run ahead of me on Sunday.  Hoping it goes as well as last weekend.

Thanks, as ever, for taking the time to read this - your support is incredibly important to me.

Have a good week

Andy

Don't stop me now

Training miles completed this week: 17
Total training miles completed: 129
Training miles left: 89 + taper off period
Training runs left: 16 (inc taper period)

Hello again - with 53 days to go until the big race - things are really starting to get serious.  

Last Friday saw me complete my last evening distance run (12 miles) in a pretty respectable 2 hours 11 minutes - an 11 minute mile pace.  It felt really good to do and it was my first run in what I'll actually wear for the marathon in April (unexpected heatwaves aside).  It was also very tough towards the end but I made it home relatively unscathed which is always the target.  I got my first blister but I'm not going to complain as it took more than 100 miles to appear.

I have to confess that when I got home, the thought of going back out and doing it all again (plus another 2 miles) was far from appealing, but I'm hoping that was more psychological as I'd paced myself for 12 miles and not 26.  We'll have to see how that goes over the next few weeks.

I did 5 miles tonight in 53 minutes - a best for me over that distance.  I was really surprised when I got in and saw that as I felt like I'd not paced myself properly and had very little energy while I was going round - particularly around 3.5 miles.  I guess the training is paying off and I'm able to work a bit harder than I expect.  Shorter distances afford me some leeway as well but the longer routes need to be a lot more disciplined.

The remaining weeks are very much a pattern of long run/short run, building up the distances as I go.  This coming weekend marks an important milestone for me.  It'll be the first run I've done under proper "marathon conditions" (i.e. up early ish and running from about 9:30am).  It'll also be the longest distance I've ever run and should give me an opportunity to banish the demons from 2008.  It feels as though the training has been building up to this run and I think it'll give me a massive boost physically and mentally if I can make it through intact.

I've got a bit more of an interesting diabetes update this week.  I realise my definition of "interesting" may be different from yours but...

I had an appointment with a diabetes specialist dietician last Thursday and it gave me a good chance to discuss what I eat now (and when) and what I should be eating to give me the best chance of getting round whilst managing my conditions.

What we found was that when I eat before running, my blood levels don't raise as much as she was expecting.  This could point to too much insulin (although I've tested previously and ruled that out to a degree).  She also said that what I'm currently eating for lunch (some salad leaves and grapes effectively) isn't really enough and I need to be eating more carbs and protein to build up muscle and improve glycogen stores for when I run.  She also mentioned that if I eat a few jelly babies every mile then it could reduce my chances of 'hitting the wall' at around mile 18 so that's good news.

We came to the conclusion that I really need to focus more on a running diet rather than trying to lose weight.  I've been trying to balance the two to a degree and I think it's more successful to shift my focus to running for the next two months and hope that the exercise will lead to some weight loss, albeit at a slower rate.

I've now started to incorporate rice cakes and fish/cheese into my lunch and I'm looking to switch to more chicken and pasta combos in the evening - particularly before a big run.

The other change I need to make is to reduce my insulin doses before and after a big run.  I have two types of insulin that I take (Background insulin twice a day, and quick acting insuling before each meal).  The exact amounts I need to reduce these doses by aren't clear yet and I'll need to experiment to understand what is best for me.  As a result, for the next few weeks, I'm going to have to take my blood sugar meter with me whilst I'm running to monitor my levels.  This should give me a guide ot managing my condition whilst I'm running.  Hopefully I won't crash too spectacularly this weekend!


It's all down to a combination of numbers now - mile times, sugar levels, insulin reduction percentages, carbs per mile to keep my sugar levels correct - it feels a bit overwhelming sometimes but it does come down to training and numbers - something I can conquer if I put my mind to it.

I'm going to stop blogging on my weight loss for the time being as it's not really my primary focus.  I'll still have a weekly weigh in, and I'll mention it occasionally, but it's not something I'll live or die by until May now.

No further fundraising at the moment - I've hit a bit of a plateau at the moment which is frustrating, but a number of people have pledged to donate before the race so I'm hoping I can still get close to £650 before I run.  I know £1000 was always ambitious but trying to get as close as possible remains my goal.  As always, all money raised is being split between Diabetes UK and The Sheffield Children's Hospital Charity - two very worthy causes.

If you've been following my progress for a while and would like to donate, please do consider giving just a couple of quid.  I know charitiable donations are often very personal things and so people rightly prioritise things that mean the most to them.  Every pound I raise will help and so please consider having one pint less this Friday night and clicking on the fundraising link above instead - it would mean a lot to me.

Thanks for sticking with this until the end, I appreciate it's been a bit long winded this week and I can be a bit boring at times, but hopefully it's given a bit of an insight into how things are going and what changes I'll need to make to get round the distance in April.

Your support has been fantastic and I'll do my best not to let you down.

Take care

Andy