My Own Worst Enemy

It's weeks fourteen to sixteen but I've abandoned all that now...

I was pretty surprised to find I'd not written a blog with this title before given how obvious a statement it is.  Better late than never I guess...

 I actually started writing this a week ago and ended up with no time and no mental energy to give to it and so it sat as an ignored tab on my browser until now.  Whilst it hasn't nagged at me, I've been glancing up from work and seeing it, not unfinished as much as not at all started and I think it's pushed me towards something to say.

I think a large part of my neuroses/anxiety/idiocy (delete as you see appropriate) comes from this inability to stop a half-thought from getting in my head and then being unable to stop myself following it through to some horrifically sad or depressing ending.

Whilst I don't like it, I'm prepared to make peace with the idea that this will happen if I'm consciously dwelling on something that I know is going to get me down.  But where I really struggle is when it ends up in my head totally uninvited and I go from minding my own business to the depths of despair in the blink of an eye.

Going from 0-100 really quick

I don't think these are 'intrusive thoughts', though there's maybe some overlap with that definition.  And I'm loathe to start Dr Googling myself into oblivion and giving myself more labels than I need - I've got enough going on as it is.

But there is something there that I genuinely find difficult about my mind getting ahead of me and not being in total control of it.  It feels decidedly unfair that a line in a song, a reference to a place on TV or even just a random word I overhear sends me spiraling and I just cannot control it.

Obviously I've learned how to manage it when I end up at Despair's Door and I have successful and unsuccessful days with that, but it seems like there should be more to head that off and stop it for getting to that point.  I haven't found it yet.

So I started thinking about why all this happens - there must be something that subconsciously pushes those thoughts around.  And as most things in life that hold us back are either fear or admin, and this isn't admin.. well that leaves fear.

So what am I scared of?  Apart from confined spaces, spiders and large dogs?

Help me

Definitely being alone.  If this blog has highlighted anything over the last million weeks, it's that being left alone with my thoughts for any period of time is Not A Good Thing.  I think there's also something about wanting to be, or to feel noticed, and that was a surprisingly difficult revelation this week.

We all have people we love and care about and those relationships shift over time.  I think my realisation was that there's a fear that I won't be noticed the way I notice others.  Or I won't be wanted, or cared about the way I do with others.  

Guess which one is the default?

And so of course, a lot of people go straight for the rainbow, while I'm already halfway down the right-hand fork in the river, futilely paddling against the current.  At CBT we talked a lot about how valuable inter-personal relationships are and how the 'intimacy' (and by that I mean closeness, vulnerability, honesty etc here) is important for us.

I guess the fear then comes from knowing that and then thinking that what you have or perceive isn't reciprocated or valued in the same way.  Or that you'll do so much to validate it that you'll ultimately doom it to failure.

It's almost certainly unfounded.  But that's really hard to reconcile.  Really really hard.  To the point where a crippling amount of time can end up being given over to the idea that I've irretrievably ruined a friendship or mortally pissed someone off who's realised that I'm not worth their time at all.

So it stupidly feels like this

And here's one unhelpful solution

And of course nobody likes to feel like this, least of all me.  And that's why it all feels so stupidly unjust that I can't prevent it from happening.  It's easy to withdraw a lot and keep from taking the risk in the first place, but that's no real way to live your life is it?

I guess lockdown has helped me gradually figure some of this out over the last few months.  But really being able to banish it feels a long way off.

I hope everything's OK between us.  Sorry if not....

Until next time.  Stay safe x

Week Thirteen - Perception

Another week, another post where the blank page has been open for 24 hours and half an idea is floating around in my head as I try to pin it down.

I think it vaguely ties in with what I said a couple of weeks ago about how it's sometimes hard to judge where you are in a relationship (short-hand for an interaction with someone else - not exclusively 'romantic') and how it can impact on self-esteem despite best efforts.

As most things often do, it starts with music.  Music is brilliant obviously - having that ability to conjure up a person, place or moment in time based on a few notes played in a certain order is something special.  Part of the problem of course is that it works both ways - for every moment you want to remember, there's usually something you're trying to forget (and obviously they're always the songs that stick in your head).  To steal from Jay-Z's Blueprint² album title - it's a gift and a curse.

This starts with a track from The Streets' 2008 album 'Everything Is Borrowed' - namely "I Love You More (Than You Like Me)"

'Perfect Sound Whatever' by James Acaster is a great read about music and mental health

Of course the thing with music that makes it so brilliant is that the interpretation becomes personal to us.  I can't ever understand what prompted Mike Skinner to write that song but I know that those 10 words - I think I love you more than you like me - have almost become a kind of shorthand for my perception of many of my relationships.

That's not to say it's actually true by any means of course, but that perception is sometimes difficult to disentangle yourself from.  I'd been trying to think about why that is and I think it's down to certainty - or more specifically, a lack of it.

Most of the time I'm fairly clear about what I'm thinking, even if actually articulating it is somewhat difficult (*cough* case in point *cough*) but knowing what someone else is thinking or feeling is a lot less clear and is often where our old friends Worry and Anxiety pop round uninvited and put their feet up on the sofa.

Objectively there's nothing to worry about of course - those relationships you've had for years have stood for that long because they're built on solid foundations.  Nothing to worry about right?

I love this one

"What if they didn't understand what I meant when....?"

"What if I upset them when...?"

"What if they're mad because...?"

"What if they don't want to be friends anymore...?"

I had my eyes opened at StressControl last year when I found out that not everybody thinks these things and worries about them like I do.  If you're one of those people, then kudos to you - but it partly felt like my reality was being torn down and rebuilt.  Again, objectively of course people don't all think like that because it makes very little logical sense.  But it's hard to free yourself from that when it's been your perception for so long.

Under the old regime there were a few tried and tested options when those questions started floating around:

1. Seek any kind of constant reassurance (explicitly or implicitly) that the last thing I'd said hadn't been misinterpreted or that you'd not upset the status quo
2. Qualify what (I thought) I'd done wrong in a painstaking level of detail that would make War & Peace look like a short story
3. Assume I'm burdensome and a distraction that people would happily do without (not in that way - chill)
4. Shut down - don't make the effort because it can't or won't be reciprocated in the way I expect - better to not bother than show vulnerability

Point number 3

Point number 4

Sorry - a lot of relevant memes this week...

And so, via a slightly circuitous route, we come back to Mike Skinner and the woes he and I share - "I think I love you more than you like me".  The last couple of points on that list above are the kinds of things I associate that line with - being at the extreme of one feeling while perceiving that everyone else is at the far end of another.

That perception genuinely feels hard to get over sometimes, though I've learned that often it's the arbitrary expectations that come with the perception that compound those difficulties.  Relationships can't be quantified or measured - they're things we know, feel and trust in.  

Worry and anxiety can make us question those things we know to be true, and have faith in and so, like with most things, it's the same few tricks that help us through.  What would we tell a friend feeling that way?  What is the likelihood that the thing we're obsessing over is actually happening?  How do we make mental space to be able to evaluate what we're thinking and experiencing in a rational way?   If in doubt, play the greatest hits right?

I envy the people that have that in-built way of just knowing this stuff is all OK without it being a large number of conscious thoughts.  Maybe you're all sociopaths or something?   Sorry - what I meant by that was..... please don't be mad at me.... are you upset....? Etc etc forever and ever...

(Oh - in diabetes news, I've had four consecutive days with bloods all under 10mmol so I guess I'm cured or something... - come for the sadness, stay for the diabetes)

Stay safe. Love you (more than you like me) x

Weeks Four and Five - Get Back on Track

I skipped last week.  Partly because it was Easter Monday and partly because it was the first lie in past 9am I'd had in years and I let the day get away from me a little.

I think it's fair to say my general wellbeing has deteriorated over the last couple of weeks - I'd forgotten how easy it is to let everything get out of control if you don't keep at least one eye on it.  At times like these it feels much harder to be conscious of it because it isn't one single thing - it's everything that you need to be mindful of.  As my friend Taylor would say, it's kinda like death by a thousand cuts.

So work has definitely felt tough - we've got a big opportunity to make significant change right now in the wake of coronavirus and that's genuinely exciting.  It's also genuinely exhausting and the lack of variety that a constant stream of teleconferences presents is really challenging.

I also find it hard to learn from my past experiences... just because 18 meetings in two days is possible on paper, doesn't mean it's a good idea.  One of my learnings for all of life is to feel OK saying 'no' to people.  It's definitely hard when you need to do things at pace, but I know I can't work at that level relentlessly so something will have to change.

Whilst diabetes and me haven't ever been best friends, the last couple of weeks have tested our relationship a little more than usual.  You'd think being at home would allow you to control for all those external factors like early starts and dashing for trains, but my levels have been on as much of a roller coaster as my mental health, and of course there's an intrinsic link between the two.

Being cooped up has definitely reached that point where I've felt a bit cabin feverish.  This is the bit I'm maybe most frustrated about because it felt inevitable that this would take it's toll and I feel like I've idly watched it creep up and then run right past me and now I'm playing catch up.

I'm sure I'm not alone in realising how much difference my weekly routine makes to my general positivity.  Catching up with friends at Hillsborough, bacon butty from the cafe once a week, seeing people at ballet while Violet dances.... even the freedom that walking round ASDA gave me feels hugely important right now and I'm starting to miss it a lot.

I've been out every day and that's definitely a highlight and I'll keep doing it even in the pouring rain.  I've got back into cooking and baking with Violet in a fairly big way (despite feeling a little ashamed that it's taken a Hello Fresh delivery to remind me how much I love cooking).  I've also found a new family friendly middle class hobby in rock painting.  I'm definitely not the most creative or artistic person on the planet (or in my family...) but it's calming so I'll persist with it.  The meditation and breathing exercises I've got make a big difference too.  If you're after an introduction to those, Headspace are offering some free resources at the moment.

Keeping up with this blog and writing stuff down for myself is helping too.  I think it's about working out what sensible support mechanisms I can put in place for myself and my own sanity while this is all going on.  And remembering that I find some bits harder than others.  I still haven't found a way to talk kindly to myself, even after StressControl and CBT.  I'm better at calming myself sometimes, but this is the hardest part for me by some stretch so it just means I'll have to keep working at it and celebrate the small victories.

If you made it this far I hope you're staying safe and staying well.  The pic above is definitely tongue in cheek, but remember it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Take care x

The Mind

If you want to catch up you can find the pre-session, week one and week two posts in the links

No Peep Show quote this week, but hopefully you'll see how this one ties in as we go.

I'm writing this one on the train to London having popped a few pills to try and take the edge of the symptoms of a tension headache that somehow seems to have gotten worse overnight.  The symptoms for me are what I imagine it feels like having a kitchen knife stuck in your temple, with the added discomfort of that sensation coming right down your neck too.  Happy Wednesday!

Week three of StressControl is focused on the mind - specifically controlling your thoughts.  They'd mentioned last week that this session was one that many people find helpful, and I think that was generally the case for me, though it left me with a few unanswered questions I probably need to focus on.  Something I neglected to mention last week was the brief discussion of General Anxiety Disorder - a condition that causes people to feel anxious about a wide range of situations and issues rather than one specific thing.  I bring this up now as it may also be relevant later...

Theory

As ever, the afternoon was split into theory and practice, but with a greater focus on practice this week.  We talked about about worry and rumination and that worry is a preoccupation with the future ("what if...?") and rumination is a preoccupation with the past ("if only...").  I think the former is more like me generally speaking, but I know I've over-analysed every word I've said to people in certain situations in the past so definitely a lot for me this week.

My main takeaway from the theory was that stress can affect how we think, which in turn can cause more stress or anxiety creating a fairly viscious circle.  The flip side of this is that if you can identify some of those thoughts and control them, you can control or limit how stress impacts you.  I think that's a fairly common theme (and where this week's image comes into play) - it's not about eliminating stress or anxiety, but being able to reduce, manage and mitiage some the impacts it has.  Rather than dealing in the absolutes of being totally stressed or completely stress free, it's learning to find the comfortable zone in the middle of a fairly vast spectrum.

The other part of the theory that I really identified with was this idea of a grasshopper as an illustration of how thoughts can escalate quickly (i.e. grasshoppers jump quickly from place to place, and we can do that in our own minds too).  An example is to consider someone who doesn't like public speaking.  Being in that situation gives them some of the physical symptoms (see session two), but also means that this impacts their thoughts.  Catching someone yawning while they're presenting could mean a thought pattern along the lines of:
- that person's bored
- everyone's bored
- I'm boring
- I'm no good at this
- I'm useless

Of course there could be a dozen reasons why someone is yawning, such as being tired or too warm, but the mental impact of the stress is to jump to that final conclusion of being useless really quickly.   Side note - I was yawning while they talked through this bit because the room was really warm and I felt very self conscious about it.

I definitely related to that a lot - it felt very real for some situations I find (or put myself) in.  I think what I still find amazing is that this genuinely isn't how everyone approaches things.  I was talking to my wife about how this kind of stuff manifests itself when I travel for work (train is delayed, I'll miss my connection, I won't get a seat, I'll be late, I'll look disorganised and unprofessional, people will think I don't care) and she shrugged and said "I just think I'll get the next train and it'll be fine".

Practice

So the practice was broken down into a three different aspects, but I'll focus on the first two here.  The first was basically a mini mantra - Stand back, remove the blinkers, wait a minute.  The premise is really to not immediately react and have your thoughts escalate, tell yourself to focus on the potential wider factors and take a moment before reacting.  So in the above example, just beause someone is yawning doesn't mean you're useless, peeling back the blinkers means you give yourself time to see the wider possibilities like somone being tired or being in a warm room.  This is 'laying the foundation' for some of the other tools.

Again, it's not about absolutes and removing the anxiety completely, but more focused on the idea of giving the conscious/rational voice the chance to dominate the stress voice in your head.

The other main tool we went through is called the Big 5 Challenges and is a set of questions or challenges to put to ourselves when we start to encounter stressful thoughts to try and give the conscious voice a chance to dominate the stress voice.  

The Big 5 Challenges (with a short example) are:

- What's the worst thing...?   If this thing I'm worrying about does happen - what's the actual worst outcome I could encounter, and is this the same as I'm actually worrying about right now?

- What are the chances...?   I might be worrying about something happening, but how likely is it?  Have I been in this situation before and my worry has been for nothing

- What is this worth....?   Am I spending time worrying about something that is fairly trivial?  Is life too short to be giving up time to this situation?

- Weighing the evidence (The Court Case)   I might be worrying about something, but am I missing some evidence?  I'm worried I look silly but everyone's just getting on with things around me so maybe I'm wrong

- The five year rule   If I look back on this moment in five years (or five months or five weeks) will it really matter?  Am I putting too much emphasis on this now when it doesn't matter?

It's not about using all of these for every situation, but about understanding that one or more of them will be appropriate for a particular situation.   This is definitely helpful for me, and looking at them, I know I've done a couple of these more recently, so it's good to know I'm on the right track.

What's clear is that all of this takes time and it's definitely a longer journey to carry on after the course finishes.  I think that'll be the challenge, because with diabetes it's always a physical thing to understand and treat, whereas with stress, worry and anxiety it's sometimes harder to pin down.

So let's try and tie this together with a rough kind of bow on top.  I talked about unanswered questions at the start, alongside the familiar sharp pain of a tension headache, and I think this is where the difficulty lies.  I understand that the headache is a physical symptom of something and so I can use some of the breathing/relaxation techniques (alongside codeine and paracetamol), but I'm not really sure what's driving that physical symptom - I can't pinpoint a specific thought or feeling that's making me feel particularly anxious, yet here we are.  I'm definitely not diagnosing myself with General Anxiety Disorder, but I think the hard work is going to be in trying to isolate some of these things that might be in my subconscious.

Next week is about controlling our actions.  It's been a long post this week, so give yourself a pat on the back if you made it this far - we should all be doing that for ourselves more often.

Diabetes UK are running a hugely important campaign about improving the provision of and access to a variety of emotional support services. People with diabetes are twice as likely to suffer from burnout or difficulties with their own mental health compared to those without the condition. Some estimates suggest that one in ten people with diabetes are clinically depressed. You can read more about the vital It's Missing campaign by following the link. My story is just my story. If you need to talk to someone about how diabetes is making you feel, you can ring the Diabetes UK Helpline on 0345 123 2399 or you can ring Samaritans 24 hours a day on 116 123

The Body

If you're behind, you can read part 1 and part 2 via the links

I've already slipped into a routine of sorts and this is only my second of six visits into Sheffield for StressControl.  There were fewer of us this week (15 down from 20).  Not sure if the rain had put a few people off, or a few had decided after week 1 that it wasn't for them.  One person left after about 10 minutes so I guess we're a smaller group now.  Part of me is desperate to know how standard that is, but the majority of me is focusing on the course.

So this week was about controlling your body.  Next week is about controlling your feelings, followed by controlling your actions in week four.  These are basically the main principles of the Mind, Body, Life model that we keep referring back to.

Theory

The theory half of the session talked a lot about Fight, Flight and Freeze and how we have muscular symptoms of stress/anxiety (such as muscle aches, headaches and shaking) and autonomic symptoms (such as palpitations, sweating and feeling sick).

We also talked about some of the symptoms of depression, which didn't particularly make for brilliant reading when I'd mentally ticked off 11 of the 17...  It was compounded by the fact that the chairs at our meeting place are particularly uncomfortable and so I felt a bit trapped in this cycle of fidgeting and aching whilst reading about the fact that agitation and aches/pains are things to watch for.  The premise of the whole thing was that if you're more conscious of the symptoms, you can apply some of the techniques to try and mitigate some of the effects.

I'll be honest in that I felt like I knew most of the theory already, and some of the exercise from the first week's 'homework' had meant I'd been more explicit with myself about how some of those things were affecting me.  I'm focusing on the positives from each session and so I guess it was good I'm pretty conscious about the effects of anxiety.

Practice

After a quick coffee break, we briefly covered exercise and caffeine.  I'd spotted last week that the good name of coffee may be slightly besmirched and that was kind of the case.  Basically, lots of caffeine can mimic some anxiety symptoms and doesn't help.  Conversely, being more active can have a positive impact on mood and anxiety.

I gave up caffeine entirely about 10 years ago, but as I've had earlier mornings when travelling for work, some has reasonably crept back in over the last few years.  I still mostly drink decaff and I've resolved to only have proper coffee when I'm up before 6am.  I'm also trying to get back into some form of exercise, having basically become a potato since London Marathon in April.  It's one of my short term goals through the course to do 3x20 mins a week at a minimum, and not beat myself up if that's all I manage.

After that we covered some breathing and muscle relaxation exercises.  It can make you feel pretty vulnerable to be doing this in a room with 15 or so strangers, but I committed to it and even after about 90 seconds I could feel something different.  There are audio tracks we can download to aid us, but I'm been using similar things on my phone on and off, so I've resolved to persevere with those for now.

What's next

There weren't a lot of brand new takeaway bits for me this week, but I think that's OK.  Sometimes the time to just focus on some things you already knew can be equally as valuable.  I was surprised at how relaxed I actually felt for just a couple of minutes of breathing/muscle relaxation exercises so I'm definitely committing to more of that over this week.  And I'm on track with my exercise target as well.

Next week is around thoughts, and the sense I get is that it's one of the most valuable weeks of the course.  I'll report back.  Thanks for reading.

Diabetes UK are running a hugely important campaign about improving the provision of and access to a variety of emotional support services. People with diabetes are twice as likely to suffer from burnout or difficulties with their own mental health compared to those without the condition. Some estimates suggest that one in ten people with diabetes are clinically depressed. You can read more about the vital It's Missing campaign by following the link. My story is just my story. If you need to talk to someone about how diabetes is making you feel, you can ring the Diabetes UK Helpline on 0345 123 2399 or you can ring Samaritans 24 hours a day on 116 123

One Two Three Four

I'm not sure how long I can keep illustrating these with Peep Show images, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it eh?  If you missed the first part of this mini-series (of sorts) then feel free to catch up

So yesterday was week one of six on the StressControl course (it's written like that on purpose - it's a course used worldwide so it's more of a trademark than anything else).  If everyone's stress and anxiety manifested itself in the same way as mine, and they'd all have gotten there 20 minutes early and we'd have been done and dusted in plenty of time.  But as they quite reasonably pointed out, we're all people and we're all different. And so a few people turned up 20 minutes late.

I wasn't sure what to expect, so gave myself a small tick for having confidently walked in the door.

There should have been 35 people booked on this six week course.  Twenty people turned up, and four of those were people who'd come along to provide moral support to someone attending the course.  I wasn't the youngest person there, but even at 38 I was one of the younger few which surprised me a little.  It was reassuring that I wasn't the only one who needs this kind of support, and important (like it is for diabetes) to remember that my perspective isn't the only perspective.  I think in this world of politics, health and everything else, we forget the huge spectrum of grey that sits between black and white.   That being said, there was some encouragement to be a little selfish (or to use their wording, 'think more about what's important to you and how you feel').

The sessions are very classroom oriented - two facilitators each stood delivering half the content each from the front, with nobody else saying anything (apart from in the brief coffee break).  I'd expected that - it had been made clear when signing up (and reiterated at the start) that this wasn't any kind of group intervention and nobody would be sharing personal experiences.  It was still odd to sit in silence and just listen and temper that desire to fidget, write or check my phone (all general signs of some anxiety if you're interested).

The sessions themselves are broadly broken into two sections - Information and Coping Skills.  Session was is a little different as it has a lot more of the introductory elements, but I'm expecting from next week we'll have around 40 minutes 'theory' time for a cuppa and then 40 minutes learning different practical skills or techniques.

There's 'homework' though it's all optional and is referred to as 'things to look at in between sessions'.  I've not got into it yet, but from just listening (and having a quick skim through the handbook) it was reassuring to know I have a couple of the techniques in the bank already.  A word on the handbook... it's about 170 bound A4 pages so it's very hefty.

It's supposed to be your go-to set of info both during and after the course and it was refreshing to see that whilst the info covered on the slides is replicated to some extent, there's more context and space for you to think about your own circumstances in there too.

There were two main messages that were reiterated a few times.  One is that the course is really about providing you the tools to 'be your own therapist'.  I completely get the idea and in principle I think it should work well.  Having Type 1 is really about being your own doctor (to some extent) and so in the same way that DAFNE provided skills for that, I'm hoping IAPT will provide skills for this.  My only reservation is about how easy it'll be to manage myself out of these sorts of situations.  But I'm not prejudging it and we'll see how we go.

The other message was 'StressControl in nine words'.  If we remember nothing else, it should be this - which is great except I keep forgetting the middle three:

Face your fears - this isn't about holding spiders on your hand or going bungee jumping - it's more about acknowledging the things that can cause you stress or anxiety and being able to face up to them and use the coping skills to overcome them

Be more active - does what it says on the tin really, and acknowledges that stress and anxiety can cause you to withdraw from being active, which has a compounding effect as being active can help reduce feelings of stress 

Boost your wellbeing - understand the whole picture about yourself, thinking about how your body, thoughts, actions and sleep all interlink to impact your wellbeing

So I think that about sums up the first session.  The title of this post refers to the first four steps (of 10) that we covered in some manner yesterday,  There's a lot of additional thinking and reading to do to be fully up to speed.  I might do a shorter post in the interim that sets out how some of that looks for me (time allowing) and report back on session two next week.


Diabetes UK are running a hugely important campaign about improving the provision of and access to a variety of emotional support services. People with diabetes are twice as likely to suffer from burnout or difficulties with their own mental health compared to those without the condition. Some estimates suggest that one in ten people with diabetes are clinically depressed. You can read more about the vital It's Missing campaign by following the link. My story is just my story. If you need to talk to someone about how diabetes is making you feel, you can ring the Diabetes UK Helpline on 0345 123 2399 or you can ring Samaritans 24 hours a day on 116 123

I'll be fine

It's been a while since I've done one of these, so it's a little hard to remember how to start.  I guess, as with most things, it begins in a diabetes clinic.  Back at the start of the year I'd been for another check-up/annual review/pump clinic appointment and got asked if I wanted to complete a mental health and wellbeing questionnaire while I waited.

I dutifully ticked the boxes, added up my score and went in for my appointment.  "Hmmm..." said the doc "are you OK?".  Same as always as far as I was concerned - I'd always find something to worry about, but that's just a background feeling I've always had.  "Yes, but wouldn't it be good to feel a little less worried or stressed about things?" the doctor persisted.   I shrugged - "I guess.  But I'm just always like this so.... it's probably OK?"  She handed me an IAPT leaflet and told me I should ring just to see what they thought.

The leaflet sat on the kitchen table for a few weeks before I finally tidied it up into the recycling.  Six months went by and I was in for another clinic appointment.  I got given the questionnaire, ticked the boxes and pre-emptively picked up another IAPT leaflet from the waiting area.  My scores had improved a little (hell yeah!) but my doctor was still a bit concerned because apparently my scores from January "showed borderline clinical depression".  Give over.

I promised I was going to do something this time and carefully put the leaflet next to my laptop to probably not recycle this time.

It took me a couple of weeks to ring up.  I still wasn't convinced it'd do anything for me, but I know enough to know that stress, worry and anxiety can, at least in part,  be learned behaviour and so this definitely isn't just about me.  I definitely don't want Violet to learn this stuff off me.  So I made the call.

Obviously it wasn't as bad as it could've been (socre one for anxiety there), but it took a bit of peristence.  Having diabetes means the default option is that it makes you anxious, stressed and worried a lot (no shit sherlock), but I've got news for you - I've ALWAYS been like that so I don't think it's that easy.  I talked to the assessor on the phone about how I usually just have this background level of whatever it is - stress and anxiety I guess.  Having diabetes just makes that worse sometimes.  I don't think the anxiety is always caused by diabetes. 

While I was on holiday recently, it was insanely hot and I had full paranoia that my pump cannual was going to come off, so I probably spent every 5-10 minutes (sub)consciously touching that part of my stomach making sure it hadn't fallen out.  Stuff like that is definitely caused by diabetes.  This morning there were delayed engineering works on part of my line, so I drove to the next station on got there 45 minutes early.  'Just in case' I told myself.  In case of what, I'm not sure, but I felt better for being there early.

So... after about 40 minutes on the phone we agreed I should try something called "Stress Control For Long Term Conditions".  It's classroom-style learning with a maximum of 120 people per session (though I reckon it'll be closer to 80).  It starts on Monday 2nd September.

I've got no idea what to expect, other than a course workbook and the knowledge that I can be anonymous if I want.  It's about learning, not group therapy or talking exercises.  Obviously I'm a little nervous (score two...) but perhaps the doc is right - it would be good to feel a little less nervous, stressed or anxious every now and again.

I'll come back next week and talk about how the first session was.  My sense is it'll be beneficial in some way.  I resisted DAFNE for years and that was transformative for me.  I'm not sure 90 mins a week for six weeks will feel as immediately different but I'm hopeful.

Diabetes UK are running a hugely important campaign about improving the provision of and access to a variety of emotional support services. People with diabetes are twice as likely to suffer from burnout or difficulties with their own mental health compared to those without the condition. Some estimates suggest that one in ten people with diabetes are clinically depressed. You can read more about the vital It's Missing campaign by following the link. My story is just my story. If you need to talk to someone you can ring the Diabetes UK Helpline on 0345 123 2399 or ring Samaritans on 116 123