Week Thirteen - Perception

Another week, another post where the blank page has been open for 24 hours and half an idea is floating around in my head as I try to pin it down.

I think it vaguely ties in with what I said a couple of weeks ago about how it's sometimes hard to judge where you are in a relationship (short-hand for an interaction with someone else - not exclusively 'romantic') and how it can impact on self-esteem despite best efforts.

As most things often do, it starts with music.  Music is brilliant obviously - having that ability to conjure up a person, place or moment in time based on a few notes played in a certain order is something special.  Part of the problem of course is that it works both ways - for every moment you want to remember, there's usually something you're trying to forget (and obviously they're always the songs that stick in your head).  To steal from Jay-Z's Blueprint² album title - it's a gift and a curse.

This starts with a track from The Streets' 2008 album 'Everything Is Borrowed' - namely "I Love You More (Than You Like Me)"

'Perfect Sound Whatever' by James Acaster is a great read about music and mental health

Of course the thing with music that makes it so brilliant is that the interpretation becomes personal to us.  I can't ever understand what prompted Mike Skinner to write that song but I know that those 10 words - I think I love you more than you like me - have almost become a kind of shorthand for my perception of many of my relationships.

That's not to say it's actually true by any means of course, but that perception is sometimes difficult to disentangle yourself from.  I'd been trying to think about why that is and I think it's down to certainty - or more specifically, a lack of it.

Most of the time I'm fairly clear about what I'm thinking, even if actually articulating it is somewhat difficult (*cough* case in point *cough*) but knowing what someone else is thinking or feeling is a lot less clear and is often where our old friends Worry and Anxiety pop round uninvited and put their feet up on the sofa.

Objectively there's nothing to worry about of course - those relationships you've had for years have stood for that long because they're built on solid foundations.  Nothing to worry about right?

I love this one

"What if they didn't understand what I meant when....?"

"What if I upset them when...?"

"What if they're mad because...?"

"What if they don't want to be friends anymore...?"

I had my eyes opened at StressControl last year when I found out that not everybody thinks these things and worries about them like I do.  If you're one of those people, then kudos to you - but it partly felt like my reality was being torn down and rebuilt.  Again, objectively of course people don't all think like that because it makes very little logical sense.  But it's hard to free yourself from that when it's been your perception for so long.

Under the old regime there were a few tried and tested options when those questions started floating around:

1. Seek any kind of constant reassurance (explicitly or implicitly) that the last thing I'd said hadn't been misinterpreted or that you'd not upset the status quo
2. Qualify what (I thought) I'd done wrong in a painstaking level of detail that would make War & Peace look like a short story
3. Assume I'm burdensome and a distraction that people would happily do without (not in that way - chill)
4. Shut down - don't make the effort because it can't or won't be reciprocated in the way I expect - better to not bother than show vulnerability

Point number 3

Point number 4

Sorry - a lot of relevant memes this week...

And so, via a slightly circuitous route, we come back to Mike Skinner and the woes he and I share - "I think I love you more than you like me".  The last couple of points on that list above are the kinds of things I associate that line with - being at the extreme of one feeling while perceiving that everyone else is at the far end of another.

That perception genuinely feels hard to get over sometimes, though I've learned that often it's the arbitrary expectations that come with the perception that compound those difficulties.  Relationships can't be quantified or measured - they're things we know, feel and trust in.  

Worry and anxiety can make us question those things we know to be true, and have faith in and so, like with most things, it's the same few tricks that help us through.  What would we tell a friend feeling that way?  What is the likelihood that the thing we're obsessing over is actually happening?  How do we make mental space to be able to evaluate what we're thinking and experiencing in a rational way?   If in doubt, play the greatest hits right?

I envy the people that have that in-built way of just knowing this stuff is all OK without it being a large number of conscious thoughts.  Maybe you're all sociopaths or something?   Sorry - what I meant by that was..... please don't be mad at me.... are you upset....? Etc etc forever and ever...

(Oh - in diabetes news, I've had four consecutive days with bloods all under 10mmol so I guess I'm cured or something... - come for the sadness, stay for the diabetes)

Stay safe. Love you (more than you like me) x

Self doubt and inner voices

Training miles completed this week: 22
Total training miles completed: 172
Training miles left: 47 + taper off period
Training runs left: 10

Hello - happy Wednesday

Arduous, brutal, crushing, exhausting, punishing and tortuous.  I think I used the word 'grueling' last week to describe how running 16 miles felt.  These new words are more appropriate for how 18 miles feels.

I managed the distance in a not-utterly-unacceptable time of 3hrs 35minutes - essentially a 12 minute mile average.  But the actual run was possibly the most agonising thing I can remember doing.  The first 9 miles was OK (1hr 37mins) but the second half was best summed up using one of the words above.  I got to about 15 miles before I really felt like it'd beaten me - legs felt heavy, ankle felt stiff, agonising pain in my back and persistent cramping in my calf put me on the verge of tears.  I was in no fit state to really measure but I think I ended up running about 100 yards at a time and walking for distances inbetween.

I got in and for the first time actually said "I don't know if I can do this" out loud.  Fortunately, my incredibly understanding wife was able to talk some sense into me.  The doubt was there for a few minutes though and it didn't feel good. 

I'm absolutely under no illusions now about how difficult this is going to be, no misconceptions about how painful it will be or how mentally exhausted I'll be when I get to the end.  Making myself run when my mind is telling me I can't is beyond draining.  It goes against all sense and logic but I need to keep going now.  There are 38 days left until the marathon - that's not long at all and I need to stay focused until then.

Whilst that 18 miles gave me plenty to think about, there were a few positives that came out of it, and they need to be mentioned as much, if not more, than the battle with my demons.

Firstly - I actually finished the distance.  I may have walked a lot more than I would have liked, but I did it.  If I had to walk another 8 miles then I (probably) could have done.  Secondly, where I was convinced last week that I'd possibly brusied the bone in my foot, I managed the whole distance without even so much as a slight jolt of pain from that injury.  That's really encouraging.  Finally, for all the training I do, I know I can't replicate the actual event itself.  I'm hoping the crowds, the change of scenery and running alongside other people is going to give me a boost that I'll be able to put a decent performance in one the day.

For those considering backing me to win it (or to finish inside 5 hours) you might be best advised to keep hold of your money...

I think one of the reasons the run was so tough was that I got my blood sugar levels completely wrong at the weekend.  They were at a similar level when I set off to what they were the previous week.  But the level didn't drop at all as I expected and I managed the entire run without a single jelly baby to keep me going.  Whilst I may have hit the wall at around mile 15, I don't feel like I ever really got into a decent rhythm and I think my sugar levels might have something to do with that.  I've got 2 big runs left to try and sort that problem out.  Worst case scenario is that I have to test my levels around London, But I'd like to avoid that is possible.

More fundraising money has come in this week which is good news!  I've finally got a paper sponsor form to carry around, and my wife is drumming up support in here office as well.  Current total is £545 and I'm hoping I can break the £700 barrier before April 22nd.  I've given my close friends and family enough time to think about donating and now I'm actively calling that money in so I hope I'll be able to report another increase next week.  A number of people that follow me on Twitter have also pledged to donate which is incredibly kind of them.

One of the things that's really struck me is how unwavering the support has been for what I'm doing, particularly from people I've met perhaps once or twice, and in some cases, not at all.  Their belief and encouragement has been fantastic, and their willingness to donate money on the scale they have is out of this world.  It's that kind of thing that really keeps me going as the end comes into sight.

As always, all money that I raise is being split between Diabetes UK and The Sheffield Children's Hospital Charity - two very worthy causes. The Children's Hospital money will be going to help fund a summer camp for children with diabetes which is very worthwhile

I'd also just like to thank Ellie from Diabetes UK and Tonya from Sheffield Children's for all their help this last week - they do a great job deserve to be well recognised.

16 miles this weekend before a psychologically huge 20 miles the weekend after.  I can vaguely remember looking at those distances on the plan back in November and thinking how far away they were and how incredible it was to think I could manage those distances. 

The end is in sight now and I'm detemined not to let anyone down.

Thanks for reading - your support is incredible

Take care

Andy

Inhaler

Hi - thanks for stopping by to read.


I'll start off with an apology - I feel like the last couple of (on topic) posts have had little variation of substance and it's unfair of me to expect you to keep reading if I'm not going to try to keep to a standard.  I'll be making a more concerted effort going forward.


This week has been a 3-run week and I've managed 7.5 miles since last Wednesday.  I was feeling somewhat under the weather last week so I did a smaller, 1.5 mile route just to keep some momentum.  Fortunately my man-flu had mostly subsided by Saturday morning and so I went for my longest distance to date and did 3 miles - something I repeated this evening.

Saturday morning was OK as things go.  I'd forgotten my inhaler before I left (I have mild asthma on top of everything else) and it was incredibly icy.  I managed the route in 40 minutes which felt OK considering the circumstances.  I wanted another crack at it without the ice slowing me down and did the same route in 37 minutes tonight - roughly on track for 12 minute miles.


The problem is that I feel like I'm my own worst enemy sometimes.  I got about a mile into my run tonight before I started with stitch again.  I'd been round Leeds Christmas market after work tonight and naively thought that a German sausage then wouldn't hurt before I came home to go running.  What I neglected to tell myself is that it was still only a couple of hours before and that being in a different city doesn't actually make a difference.   I need to be a lot stricter and more disciplined with myself because silly things like that don't help.


The good news is that I'm starting to believe that I can actually make it round 26 miles if I continue to be sensible.  I'm not usually low on self belief, but I'm wary of jinxing myself a bit with this.  When I'm out running, I feel like I can actually do it and that sort of belief is pushing me on.


I'm taking a lot of care when I run and I'm getting better at measuring my stride so I'm not coming down off a curb onto my bad foot and I'm not pushing off with it going back up a curb either.  I'm also starting to feel like I can open up my stride a bit and push myself a bit more.


I've had a bit of a roller-coaster week diabetes wise.  I had a work Christmas do on Friday and I had a decent reading before bed (6 ish if I remember correctly) but it was 20.5 when I woke up Saturday morning!  In trying to correct that I ended up going low three times that day and I've felt like I've hit peaks and troughs since then rather than any real stability.   I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was sort of anticipating this with Christmas coming up.  I just need to work extra hard to keep it in check over the next few weeks now.  If I was consistently getting high readings I'd be concerned but it's just a product of the time of year I think.  Hopefully I can keep it relatively under control.


I've also finalised my fund raising page on Virgin Money Giving today - you can see it here: AndyRunsTheMarathon2012  I also gave myself the first donation to kick start it.  I've talked about the charities a fair bit over the last week or two so please feel free to skip back a few posts and read up about the work they do.  I wanted to just briefly talk about my fundraising goal before I sign off.


My aim is to raise what I'd like to think is a relatively modest amount of money for each charity - namely £500 each.  It's not a lot in the scheme of things as far as the charities themselves are concerned (for examples, it's only about 12% of the funds The Children's Hospital need just to run their diabetes camp for kids for one summer - let alone the rest of their projects) but it's a target I think I can achieve.


I worked out that if every one of my Twitter followers gave £2 (less than the price of a pint as I understand it) then I'd reach my goal with money to spare.  I'm not for a single second suggesting that I'd expect or even ask that they would, but it's just an illustration of why I think it's achievable.  I've put £50 in myself to start and hopefully that'll grow and grow over the coming months.  I'm committing that my company will make up any shortfall to the £1000 total but I'll also put in £500 extra if I can raise more than £1000 in total.  I know Christmas isn't the best time to discuss these things, especially given the current financial climate, but I wanted to just talk about my goals for fundraising and given you my honest viewpoint on what I'm trying to do.


This has been a bit of a longer post than I'd anticipated so I'll leave it there.  I need to rest my foot a bit as the aches, whilst not crippling, are worse after a run and I could do with my feet up for half an hour before bed.


Thanks again for reading (if you made it this far) and don't forget you can always find me for a chat on Twitter (@BroomOwl) or drop me an e-mail (broomowl@gmail.com).


Take care and I'll update you in my last blog before Christmas next week


Andy