Week Thirteen - Perception

Another week, another post where the blank page has been open for 24 hours and half an idea is floating around in my head as I try to pin it down.

I think it vaguely ties in with what I said a couple of weeks ago about how it's sometimes hard to judge where you are in a relationship (short-hand for an interaction with someone else - not exclusively 'romantic') and how it can impact on self-esteem despite best efforts.

As most things often do, it starts with music.  Music is brilliant obviously - having that ability to conjure up a person, place or moment in time based on a few notes played in a certain order is something special.  Part of the problem of course is that it works both ways - for every moment you want to remember, there's usually something you're trying to forget (and obviously they're always the songs that stick in your head).  To steal from Jay-Z's Blueprint² album title - it's a gift and a curse.

This starts with a track from The Streets' 2008 album 'Everything Is Borrowed' - namely "I Love You More (Than You Like Me)"

'Perfect Sound Whatever' by James Acaster is a great read about music and mental health

Of course the thing with music that makes it so brilliant is that the interpretation becomes personal to us.  I can't ever understand what prompted Mike Skinner to write that song but I know that those 10 words - I think I love you more than you like me - have almost become a kind of shorthand for my perception of many of my relationships.

That's not to say it's actually true by any means of course, but that perception is sometimes difficult to disentangle yourself from.  I'd been trying to think about why that is and I think it's down to certainty - or more specifically, a lack of it.

Most of the time I'm fairly clear about what I'm thinking, even if actually articulating it is somewhat difficult (*cough* case in point *cough*) but knowing what someone else is thinking or feeling is a lot less clear and is often where our old friends Worry and Anxiety pop round uninvited and put their feet up on the sofa.

Objectively there's nothing to worry about of course - those relationships you've had for years have stood for that long because they're built on solid foundations.  Nothing to worry about right?

I love this one

"What if they didn't understand what I meant when....?"

"What if I upset them when...?"

"What if they're mad because...?"

"What if they don't want to be friends anymore...?"

I had my eyes opened at StressControl last year when I found out that not everybody thinks these things and worries about them like I do.  If you're one of those people, then kudos to you - but it partly felt like my reality was being torn down and rebuilt.  Again, objectively of course people don't all think like that because it makes very little logical sense.  But it's hard to free yourself from that when it's been your perception for so long.

Under the old regime there were a few tried and tested options when those questions started floating around:

1. Seek any kind of constant reassurance (explicitly or implicitly) that the last thing I'd said hadn't been misinterpreted or that you'd not upset the status quo
2. Qualify what (I thought) I'd done wrong in a painstaking level of detail that would make War & Peace look like a short story
3. Assume I'm burdensome and a distraction that people would happily do without (not in that way - chill)
4. Shut down - don't make the effort because it can't or won't be reciprocated in the way I expect - better to not bother than show vulnerability

Point number 3

Point number 4

Sorry - a lot of relevant memes this week...

And so, via a slightly circuitous route, we come back to Mike Skinner and the woes he and I share - "I think I love you more than you like me".  The last couple of points on that list above are the kinds of things I associate that line with - being at the extreme of one feeling while perceiving that everyone else is at the far end of another.

That perception genuinely feels hard to get over sometimes, though I've learned that often it's the arbitrary expectations that come with the perception that compound those difficulties.  Relationships can't be quantified or measured - they're things we know, feel and trust in.  

Worry and anxiety can make us question those things we know to be true, and have faith in and so, like with most things, it's the same few tricks that help us through.  What would we tell a friend feeling that way?  What is the likelihood that the thing we're obsessing over is actually happening?  How do we make mental space to be able to evaluate what we're thinking and experiencing in a rational way?   If in doubt, play the greatest hits right?

I envy the people that have that in-built way of just knowing this stuff is all OK without it being a large number of conscious thoughts.  Maybe you're all sociopaths or something?   Sorry - what I meant by that was..... please don't be mad at me.... are you upset....? Etc etc forever and ever...

(Oh - in diabetes news, I've had four consecutive days with bloods all under 10mmol so I guess I'm cured or something... - come for the sadness, stay for the diabetes)

Stay safe. Love you (more than you like me) x

Weeks Ten and Eleven - (Im)balance

Predictably I missed last Monday as it was a Bank Holiday and I had a week off.  I missed posting yesterday because I wasn't sure I had the right words to be able to articulate what I wanted to say.   I'm still not sure I do but let's see where this goes eh?

Since I last posed, I've edged a year closer to 40.  Facebook memories see to suggest I'm forever bound to say "older but not wiser - haha" and that absolutely feels true in one sense, but maybe less so in another.

Over the last year, I think StressControl and CBT have taught me some sense of self-awareness that I wasn't really conscious of before.  Whether I'm actually wise enough to be conscious of it in the moments I need to is a wholly different matter.

Absolutely I am Dwight

One of the main themes at StressControl was about how we often judge ourselves more harshly than we would others and are our own worst critic.  At CBT we talked about how powerful meaningful relationships are and how they can make a really positive difference to how we feel.  I guess that latter part at least is familiar to many people right now given that lockdown has many of us distanced from those people we rely on.

I think where I've often felt like I've struggled is in finding those relationships.  I've got a catalogue of reasons why that's the case - you can leaf through that at your own leisure - but I think I large part of it is down to not being able to understand where the right balance (or equilibrium - get some mileage out of that economics degree) is.

But this is where the words dry up a little.  I'm not sure how to get that final point down:

    a) without coming across with an inflated sense of self-importance 

    b) succinctly or 

    c) in any kind of way which actually gets to the heart of what I'm trying to say

I guess the point is that I often feel like I mis-judge what those friend/relationships should look like or what the dynamic is.  Pushing way too hard when there's no need, cutting myself off entirely because it's easier than working through what the middle ground should look like or just driving myself crazy with self-doubt, worry and anxiety.  Where this was bad before, lockdown has made it a lot worse.

Imbalance

I've thought about referring myself back to IAPT but I'm still not sure I'm clear on the thing that would be most helpful so I'm keeping that in my back pocket for now.  I've thought about seeing a GP though that's kind of a nuclear option I'd rather not take.  And there's no way I'm going near a surgery right now in any case.

I think I've got most of the tools and knowledge to be able to make this better (there's the wisdom) but it's still difficult to take that mental step back and use them objectively.  That bit is really hard, and the nagging self-doubt that asks whether I am good enough makes it tougher.

It's ridiculous when you see it like this - but seeing it like this is the tough part

As this blog becomes progressively about mental health and less about diabetes, I probably need to grab food so I don't have a hypo in a meeting later on.

Stay safe x

(And don't worry, I've ordered Lego)

Weeks Four and Five - Get Back on Track

I skipped last week.  Partly because it was Easter Monday and partly because it was the first lie in past 9am I'd had in years and I let the day get away from me a little.

I think it's fair to say my general wellbeing has deteriorated over the last couple of weeks - I'd forgotten how easy it is to let everything get out of control if you don't keep at least one eye on it.  At times like these it feels much harder to be conscious of it because it isn't one single thing - it's everything that you need to be mindful of.  As my friend Taylor would say, it's kinda like death by a thousand cuts.

So work has definitely felt tough - we've got a big opportunity to make significant change right now in the wake of coronavirus and that's genuinely exciting.  It's also genuinely exhausting and the lack of variety that a constant stream of teleconferences presents is really challenging.

I also find it hard to learn from my past experiences... just because 18 meetings in two days is possible on paper, doesn't mean it's a good idea.  One of my learnings for all of life is to feel OK saying 'no' to people.  It's definitely hard when you need to do things at pace, but I know I can't work at that level relentlessly so something will have to change.

Whilst diabetes and me haven't ever been best friends, the last couple of weeks have tested our relationship a little more than usual.  You'd think being at home would allow you to control for all those external factors like early starts and dashing for trains, but my levels have been on as much of a roller coaster as my mental health, and of course there's an intrinsic link between the two.

Being cooped up has definitely reached that point where I've felt a bit cabin feverish.  This is the bit I'm maybe most frustrated about because it felt inevitable that this would take it's toll and I feel like I've idly watched it creep up and then run right past me and now I'm playing catch up.

I'm sure I'm not alone in realising how much difference my weekly routine makes to my general positivity.  Catching up with friends at Hillsborough, bacon butty from the cafe once a week, seeing people at ballet while Violet dances.... even the freedom that walking round ASDA gave me feels hugely important right now and I'm starting to miss it a lot.

I've been out every day and that's definitely a highlight and I'll keep doing it even in the pouring rain.  I've got back into cooking and baking with Violet in a fairly big way (despite feeling a little ashamed that it's taken a Hello Fresh delivery to remind me how much I love cooking).  I've also found a new family friendly middle class hobby in rock painting.  I'm definitely not the most creative or artistic person on the planet (or in my family...) but it's calming so I'll persist with it.  The meditation and breathing exercises I've got make a big difference too.  If you're after an introduction to those, Headspace are offering some free resources at the moment.

Keeping up with this blog and writing stuff down for myself is helping too.  I think it's about working out what sensible support mechanisms I can put in place for myself and my own sanity while this is all going on.  And remembering that I find some bits harder than others.  I still haven't found a way to talk kindly to myself, even after StressControl and CBT.  I'm better at calming myself sometimes, but this is the hardest part for me by some stretch so it just means I'll have to keep working at it and celebrate the small victories.

If you made it this far I hope you're staying safe and staying well.  The pic above is definitely tongue in cheek, but remember it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Take care x

Week Three - Practice What You Preach

Like most people, Fridays were the day I looked forward to the most - you know, back in the day where this endlessness didn't exist.

I'd walk Violet round to school, jump in the car and head out for a coffee with my wife before logging on a little later than usual.  Hectic diaries meant that Friday mornings were usually the only chance we both had an hour or so of free time so we'd make the most of it.  I used to have very few meetings so could catch up on all my work and head into the weekend relatively relaxed and caught up.

Now every day has a pretty consistent feel about it, with the remnants of my old regular meetings being the only reminder about the old 'structure' that life used to have.

Instead of looking forward to Fridays, I honestly feel like I'm just trying to survive them.  The last couple of weeks it's felt like I've shut my laptop down at 5pm (if I'm lucky) and I'm broken.

My job means I need to be there for a pretty large group of people who are all going through the same things, but with different perspectives, challenges and fears.  Actually it's not that I need to be there, I want to be.  My team do a hell of a lot and I think feels as familial as it could be for 30 people spread right across the UK, and I want to support all those people who are absolutely my work family.

What I'm struggling with is the ability to follow the advice I give everyone else - certainly not to the same extent.

My wife asked me why, given I'm pretty well-practiced at worrying whether or not the sun will come up tomorrow, am I being pretty laid back about this whole end-of-the-world-global-pandemic situation?

Stress Control and CBT definitely helped to some degree.  I can only control the things I can control. I need to find the thing(s) that drive that worry and be objective about them.  I need to rationally see what's going on around me rather than live life through some anxiety-fuelled lens of madness (this one is still hard sometimes). 

But that's not always how I feel.  Friday afternoon usually has me at that point where my chest aches... not physically, but that feeling you* get when you feel like you've been tense for a week and have only just realised it.

*I say 'you' - could just be me...

I know it's not possible to stick to the same routine I had 8 weeks ago, and I've started making changes.  A 10 minute walk around the block when I can manage it is a big part of the day, as is sticking on some calming music or a 10 minute meditation on my phone.  It's hard to explain the difference some deep breathing can actually make.

What I need to get better at is remembering this is a long haul.  Cramming my diary with meeting after meeting might give the illusion of productivity or accomplishment, but I don't think the cost is always worth the payoff.  I'm getting better at skipping out on those things I think don't need me and gradually getting better at making time for myself - even just to get up from my desk and sit on the sofa in my favourite corner for a few minutes.

So I need to practice more of what I preach.  Always easier to be objective for other people and I need to give more of that to myself.

If you got this far - thanks.  Hope you're managing well too.

Stay safe x