tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78196774593614134192024-03-05T15:28:00.220-08:00We Were Promised HoverboardsBlog about many things including life, experiences, running, diabetes and things in betweenUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger133125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-75989956744840599332022-03-30T08:01:00.000-07:002022-03-30T08:01:41.476-07:00Everything that you've come to expect<p>April 1st 2022 marks exactly half of my life lived in the company of type 1 diabetes. From now on, every day means more and more of my life has been given over to accomodating this condition than I've been free from it. I suppose April Fool's Day is a pretty on-brand day for this particular milestone.</p><p>A look back at my blog timeline reminds me how woefully out of practice I am at this... whatever 'this' is. I considered just letting the day pass by - it is just another day when all's said and done. But there's been a lot of days that have raced past me lately and this seemed as good a day as any to reflect back on 20-and-a-bit years of a chronic condition.</p><p>Having type 1 diabetes is relentless. It is 24/7 decision-making about keeping yourself alive. There is no other condition that springs to mind where you have to actively assume the complicated biological role of one of your internal organs <i>all the time</i> and are made to live with the consequences of how well you can masquerade as that organ. It also completely robs me of sleep. I recently had between 5 and 6 hours of continuous sleep and realising how rare an achievement that is did not have me rushing to work out how many hours I've lost over the years. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhfwEIqk1UhVyutaeu_ARzq_h-9m9kTnZYoRsICrn_5tjF6f7oizwhw0rKzLQyimFIPI0Ru2akWdr-4ZQ-0TkdWNFPDwd-E6W4EYhkd2j3n1FIUsb1AtlkgAuznUWZttvpX_KNBDxuz4CeZ-2SJ9e2pSSO1_wAGW_GO7gUWcni02I93uZVlBxptInfr8A" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="770" data-original-width="744" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhfwEIqk1UhVyutaeu_ARzq_h-9m9kTnZYoRsICrn_5tjF6f7oizwhw0rKzLQyimFIPI0Ru2akWdr-4ZQ-0TkdWNFPDwd-E6W4EYhkd2j3n1FIUsb1AtlkgAuznUWZttvpX_KNBDxuz4CeZ-2SJ9e2pSSO1_wAGW_GO7gUWcni02I93uZVlBxptInfr8A" width="232" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Of course, I also have another full-time job in diabetes and that itself can be a little bit of a double-edged sword. The stand-out benefit is that everyone you work with just gets it - there's no having to qualify why you've got your camera off in a meeting while you treat a hypo. The effect of living with diabetes is front and centre all the time.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But of course, it's front and centre all the time. Distracting yourself from life with diabetes with some work, is just... more diabetes. Particularly as I start to do more that looks at access to peer support, tackling stigma and helping to build more communities for people living with diabetes. It feels a little claustrophobic at times, and I think it gives added meaning to what a decent work/life balance really is. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">So, reflection. I told part of my diagnosis story in a meeting a few weeks ago and it struck me how infrequently I talk about my own experiences, but also how much has changed for me in the last 20 years.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'm not going to try and rehash too many of my previous posts - I talked a bit about my diagnosis in this post marking <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2016/07/5000-days-with-diabetes.html" target="_blank">5000 (ish) days of diabetes</a> back in 2016 - but reliving it in that meeting made me feel an emotional vulnerability I don't even really remember experiencing at the time and that really shook me. I've probably talked about the Kubler-Ross grief curve before, but it's such an accurate way of illustrating the stages I've been through.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhsEgEe12UBWcIN3qG82zARkFNbr4MsbTnFFQ6UuEuqL7cnxN8lfGfk2b54AM_bTNO9pkLn54NacgVVhR7g59lLQUEoEOwt-E646SRui6kKA59_n7FFHgfx299SVO2bVgG1jQROj8wg2k7wBF8wBUAd1wAxt-AEE09tceNCpbKr2AIoNn1u4h4XiD2G5w" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="806" data-original-width="1024" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhsEgEe12UBWcIN3qG82zARkFNbr4MsbTnFFQ6UuEuqL7cnxN8lfGfk2b54AM_bTNO9pkLn54NacgVVhR7g59lLQUEoEOwt-E646SRui6kKA59_n7FFHgfx299SVO2bVgG1jQROj8wg2k7wBF8wBUAd1wAxt-AEE09tceNCpbKr2AIoNn1u4h4XiD2G5w" width="305" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div>I've also talked before about some of my lowest points with diabetes in this post about <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2013/10/mental-strength.html" target="_blank">mental strength from 2013</a>. Looking back on that now, I feel like I've learned so much more about my own mental health and wellbeing. I'm certainly more aware of the things that trigger either the diabetes-related stress, or my general anxiety. I'm not always better at <i>managing</i> them, but I maintain that awareness is half the battle there.<br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg9z__CtB003ZeLtRrauAj0J68i1yvGZbIq0fwVmQhOuvfqJaIkeD7npCitA743uQrMcyT9biboyUAZcnMGyRU3dV0iHSAm-WRBh8MBCsHGQeAN9a1TT9dbysjfPu4zagZ0lwcUXvW1iTvTUbDjUa0N7NVTWpKJwFxzpr3YiLxBfiiYlZPQOOA8gaiSzg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="565" data-original-width="724" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg9z__CtB003ZeLtRrauAj0J68i1yvGZbIq0fwVmQhOuvfqJaIkeD7npCitA743uQrMcyT9biboyUAZcnMGyRU3dV0iHSAm-WRBh8MBCsHGQeAN9a1TT9dbysjfPu4zagZ0lwcUXvW1iTvTUbDjUa0N7NVTWpKJwFxzpr3YiLxBfiiYlZPQOOA8gaiSzg" width="308" /></a></div><br /><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Tech has come a long way in 20 years too. Gone are the days of clunky pens, mixed insulin and 20 second waits for finger-prick results. An insulin pump and a Dexcom continuous glucose monitor are my current weapons of choice and they undoubtedly make things smoother <i>for me</i>. But ending up in a codependent relationship with my phone to keep an eye on my glucose levels is definitely just another exhausting thing you never expect to happen to you. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I feel like I've really felt the weight of living with diabetes over the last couple of years. Reading (and working with) the stats on diabetes and COVID was sobering. Being reminded of that increased risk <i>still </i>isn't easy, and having had a lot fewer options to feel like I could physically escape during lockdowns 1, 2 and 3 was tough - I've felt that claustrophobia a lot more recently. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The start to 2022 has felt relentless in a lot of ways and I think that makes it harder to feel like taking a load of conscious and intentional decisions has some pretty finite boundaries. Yes, I'm keeping myself alive, but <i>extra</i> decisions on food, lifestyle and generally trying to be healthier seem impossibly out of reach. It's hard to maintain the motivation to do 'the right thing' even some of the time when you're taking a couple of hundred extra decisions every day. It's a stark reminder that it's relentless, and you need a huge amount of resilience to pick yourself up and keep going.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhsIAdHiLCxDLvtCWiTH-jcP57tZGM-mW8NdkIGCohV3nSfGR9qs8lA4pX_c1UlnFdAmhrdtJZWkQc4gRJLXEpSvCFiu_wuPolEPL3FCpdo9r7H5p-nj6PdqB08EXzcpPZzjYsw0k3Rp0J0w2HRnF3rVd21rz7CcZVU3wT3BkGn7CWs8sCqpSCX0tyKvA" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" data-original-height="757" data-original-width="1386" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhsIAdHiLCxDLvtCWiTH-jcP57tZGM-mW8NdkIGCohV3nSfGR9qs8lA4pX_c1UlnFdAmhrdtJZWkQc4gRJLXEpSvCFiu_wuPolEPL3FCpdo9r7H5p-nj6PdqB08EXzcpPZzjYsw0k3Rp0J0w2HRnF3rVd21rz7CcZVU3wT3BkGn7CWs8sCqpSCX0tyKvA" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Aviation by The Last Shadow Puppets</span></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But go we must, and into the future where tomorrow where the days with diabetes (all 7461 and counting) are finally more than the days without (7460). Contrary to most of my life (where I'm a cynical nervous wreck 99% of the time...), I have some genuine hope and optimism when it comes to diabetes. I have a real belief in some kind of cure, and I can barely keep up with the evolution in diabetes tech as it is which can only make living with diabetes easier.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It is hard living with this condition. It is <b>astronomically</b> hard. Nobody would choose this for themselves - a condition where <i>one-fifth of one drop</i> of insulin can be the difference between too much or too little. A condition that is on top of you every single day. But I try and remind myself that it's also a condition that's taught me so much about myself. I've learned so much about how much I can do when I have to. I've learned how to be kind to myself (well - sometimes), how to be resilient, compassionate and empathetic and so much more.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I definitely wish I hadn't had to carry this with me for 20 years. And I can't say I'm running with open arms towards the next 20 years either. But the experience of being his person with diabetes has given me so much more than I thought it ever could, and that's the thing I'll hold onto more than anything else.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">(<i>Blog title is a little throwback for when <u>all</u> my blogs were song lyrics because I <strike>was</strike> am that cringy. But I guess it's also a reminder that diabetes isn't <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IamcaGta7hY">everything you've come to expect</a> - it's a lot more than that)</i></div><p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-18533135289772284062020-07-06T09:09:00.000-07:002020-07-06T09:09:48.648-07:00My Own Worst Enemy<div><i>It's weeks fourteen to sixteen but I've abandoned all that now...</i></div><div><br /></div>I was pretty surprised to find I'd not written a blog with this title before given how obvious a statement it is. Better late than never I guess...<div><br /></div><div> I actually started writing this a week ago and ended up with no time and no mental energy to give to it and so it sat as an ignored tab on my browser until now. Whilst it hasn't nagged at me, I've been glancing up from work and seeing it, not unfinished as much as not at all started and I think it's pushed me towards something to say.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think a large part of my neuroses/anxiety/idiocy (<i>delete as you see appropriate</i>) comes from this inability to stop a half-thought from getting in my head and then being unable to stop myself following it through to some horrifically sad or depressing ending.</div><div><br /></div><div>Whilst I don't like it, I'm prepared to make peace with the idea that this will happen if I'm consciously dwelling on something that I know is going to get me down. But where I really struggle is when it ends up in my head totally uninvited and I go from minding my own business to the depths of despair in the blink of an eye.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Oh God. My mind is going a mile an hour. - Michael Scott That fast ..." height="393" src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/20/03/c4/2003c411c30dbda2647ddc3a0cee36de.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Going from 0-100 really quick</td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I don't think these are 'intrusive thoughts', though there's maybe some overlap with that definition. And I'm loathe to start Dr Googling myself into oblivion and giving myself more labels than I need - I've got enough going on as it is.</div><div><br /></div><div>But there is something there that I genuinely find difficult about my mind getting ahead of me and not being in total control of it. It feels decidedly unfair that a line in a song, a reference to a place on TV or even just a random word I overhear sends me spiraling and I just cannot control it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Obviously I've learned how to manage it when I end up at Despair's Door and I have successful and unsuccessful days with that, but it seems like there should be more to head that off and stop it for getting to that point. I haven't found it yet.</div><div><br /></div><div>So I started thinking about why all this happens - there must be something that subconsciously pushes those thoughts around. And as most things in life that hold us back are either fear or admin, and this isn't admin.. well that leaves fear.</div><div><br /></div><div>So what am I scared of? Apart from confined spaces, spiders and large dogs?</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="livememe.com - I'm In a Glass Case of Emotion" height="305" src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcQTmOeNjoJ_TA2jDr1ThCdo3EeLyYKjMz0VvQ&usqp=CAU" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Help me<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div>Definitely being alone. If this blog has highlighted anything over the last million weeks, it's that being left alone with my thoughts for any period of time is Not A Good Thing. I think there's also something about wanting to be, or to feel noticed, and that was a surprisingly difficult revelation this week.</div><div><br /></div><div>We all have people we love and care about and those relationships shift over time. I think my realisation was that there's a fear that I won't be noticed the way I notice others. Or I won't be wanted, or cared about the way I do with others. </div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Simpson de Safari - YouTube" src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/V9PSTkT3grA/hqdefault.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Guess which one is the default?</td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div>And so of course, a lot of people go straight for the rainbow, while I'm already halfway down the right-hand fork in the river, futilely paddling against the current. At CBT we talked a lot about how valuable inter-personal relationships are and how the 'intimacy' (and by that I mean closeness, vulnerability, honesty etc here) is important for us.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I guess the fear then comes from knowing that and then thinking that what you have or perceive isn't reciprocated or valued in the same way. Or that you'll do so much to validate it that you'll ultimately doom it to failure.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>It's almost certainly unfounded. But that's <i>really</i> hard to reconcile. Really really hard. To the point where a crippling amount of time can end up being given over to the idea that I've irretrievably ruined a friendship or mortally pissed someone off who's realised that I'm not worth their time at all.</b></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="My special talent is assuming our friendship is a burden on you ..." height="265" src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/16/3e/44/163e4488dd52a4ee23be339644e25d60.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So it stupidly feels like this<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Great news! I found the cure for my anxiety!! All I need is for ..." height="320" src="https://img.ifunny.co/images/9bbc032ffbb65834896b0dbf7ec6dd9b073af2aa9445b8ef3520ff828b939b79_1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="315" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And here's one unhelpful solution<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br /><div>And of course nobody likes to feel like this, least of all me. And that's why it all feels so stupidly unjust that I can't prevent it from happening. It's easy to withdraw a lot and keep from taking the risk in the first place, but that's no real way to live your life is it?</div><div><br /></div><div>I guess lockdown has helped me gradually figure some of this out over the last few months. But really being able to banish it feels a long way off.</div><div><br /></div><div>I hope everything's OK between us. Sorry if not....</div><div><br /></div><div>Until next time. Stay safe x<br /><div><br /></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-66985177305855943612020-06-16T08:22:00.003-07:002020-06-16T08:26:49.363-07:00Week Thirteen - Perception<div class="separator"><br /></div>Another week, another post where the blank page has been open for 24 hours and half an idea is floating around in my head as I try to pin it down.<div><br /></div><div>I think it vaguely ties in with <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2020/06/weeks-ten-and-eleven-imbalance.html" target="_blank">what I said a couple of weeks ago</a> about how it's sometimes hard to judge where you are in a relationship (<i>short-hand for an interaction with someone else - not exclusively 'romantic'</i>) and how it can impact on self-esteem despite best efforts.</div><div><br /></div><div>As most things often do, it starts with music. <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2020/02/30-songs.html" target="_blank">Music is brilliant</a> obviously - having that ability to conjure up a person, place or moment in time based on a few notes played in a certain order is something special. Part of the problem of course is that it works both ways - for every moment you want to remember, there's usually something you're trying to forget (and obviously they're always the songs that stick in your head). To steal from Jay-Z's Blueprint<sup>2 </sup>album title - it's a gift and a curse.</div><div><br /></div><div>This starts with a track from The Streets' 2008 album 'Everything Is Borrowed' - namely <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EntNNddAnw" target="_blank">"I Love You More (Than You Like Me)"</a></div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="james acaster repertoire | Tumblr" src="https://66.media.tumblr.com/99ea26d83bcaef96acb227bf9a22f7b4/tumblr_inline_ptrlrotbso1sr1gh7_540.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">'Perfect Sound Whatever' by James Acaster is a great read about music and mental health<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /></div><div>Of course the thing with music that makes it so brilliant is that the interpretation becomes personal to us. I can't ever understand what prompted Mike Skinner to write that song but I know that those 10 words - I think I love you more than you like me - have almost become a kind of shorthand for my perception of many of my relationships.</div><div><br /></div><div>That's not to say it's actually true by any means of course, but that perception is sometimes difficult to disentangle yourself from. I'd been trying to think about why that is and I think it's down to certainty - or more specifically, a lack of it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Most of the time I'm fairly clear about what I'm thinking, even if actually articulating it is somewhat difficult (<i>*<b>cough</b>* case in point *<b>cough</b>*</i>) but knowing what someone else is thinking or feeling is a lot less clear and is often where our old friends Worry and Anxiety pop round uninvited and put their feet up on the sofa.</div><div><br /></div><div>Objectively there's nothing to worry about of course - those relationships you've had for years have stood for that long because they're built on solid foundations. Nothing to worry about right?</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Well Yes, But Actually No | Know Your Meme" height="360" src="https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/028/596/dsmGaKWMeHXe9QuJtq_ys30PNfTGnMsRuHuo_MUzGCg.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="640" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love this one<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /></div><div>"What if they didn't understand what I meant when....?"</div><div>"What if I upset them when...?"</div><div>"What if they're mad because...?"</div><div>"What if they don't want to be friends anymore...?"</div><div><br /></div><div>I had my eyes opened at StressControl last year when I found out that <i>not everybody thinks these things and worries about them like I do.</i> If you're one of those people, then kudos to you - but it partly felt like my reality was being torn down and rebuilt. Again, objectively <i>of course</i> people don't all think like that because it makes very little logical sense. But it's hard to free yourself from that when it's been your perception for so long.</div><div><br /></div><div>Under the old regime there were a few tried and tested options when those questions started floating around:</div><div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>Seek any kind of constant reassurance (explicitly or implicitly) that the last thing I'd said hadn't been misinterpreted or that you'd not upset the status quo</li><li>Qualify what (I thought) I'd done wrong in a painstaking level of detail that would make War & Peace look like a short story</li><li>Assume I'm burdensome and a distraction that people would happily do without (<i>not in <b>that</b> way - chill</i>)</li><li>Shut down - don't make the effort because it can't or won't be reciprocated in the way I expect - better to not bother than show vulnerability</li></ol><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Sorry I Annoyed You With My Friendship - Gif | Annoyed, Friendship" height="188" src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/11/d6/b9/11d6b9f1132ac9357cf1721ff476a2f9.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Point number 3<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggwdIR9Z_EPDSyWC9veEuWKKH9tMuKzZtlcfWoSynHSSudirI1T1zRG519gzqXaKpBhnmMNanITk6AEWSUVQbYV7NehLs74jUPK5-yK1uzDbig9_VXBma6Qf7_UBpl9TeWOs6Corb7PYG7/s590/Capture3.PNG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="344" data-original-width="590" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggwdIR9Z_EPDSyWC9veEuWKKH9tMuKzZtlcfWoSynHSSudirI1T1zRG519gzqXaKpBhnmMNanITk6AEWSUVQbYV7NehLs74jUPK5-yK1uzDbig9_VXBma6Qf7_UBpl9TeWOs6Corb7PYG7/s320/Capture3.PNG" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Point number 4<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><i>Sorry - a lot of relevant memes this week...</i></div><div><br /></div><div>And so, via a slightly circuitous route, we come back to Mike Skinner and the woes he and I share - "I think I love you more than you like me". The last couple of points on that list above are the kinds of things I associate that line with - being at the extreme of one feeling while perceiving that everyone else is at the far end of another.</div><div><br /></div><div>That perception genuinely feels hard to get over sometimes, though I've learned that often it's the arbitrary expectations that come with the perception that compound those difficulties. Relationships can't be quantified or measured - they're things we know, feel and trust in. </div><div><br /></div><div>Worry and anxiety can make us question those things we know to be true, and have faith in and so, like with most things, it's the same few tricks that help us through. What would <i>we</i> tell a friend feeling that way? What is the likelihood that the thing we're obsessing over is actually happening? How do we make mental space to be able to evaluate what we're thinking and experiencing in a rational way? If in doubt, play the greatest hits right?</div><div><br /></div><div>I envy the people that have that in-built way of just <i>knowing</i> this stuff is all OK without it being a large number of conscious thoughts. Maybe you're all sociopaths or something? Sorry - what I meant by that was..... please don't be mad at me.... are you upset....? Etc etc forever and ever...</div><div><br /></div><div>(Oh - in diabetes news, I've had <b>four</b> consecutive days with bloods all under 10mmol so I guess I'm cured or something... - come for the sadness, stay for the diabetes)</div><div><br /></div><div>Stay safe. Love you (more than you like me) x</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-74396077644328141642020-06-09T04:12:00.000-07:002020-06-09T04:12:17.740-07:00Week Twelve - Paths not taken (or things I wish I'd known)I drew a blank yesterday when I sat down to write - there was something there but I couldn't quite see it. It vaguely came to me as I stared at the ceiling at something-past-midnight so let's go.<div><br /></div><div>I should preface this by saying that it's Diabetes Week (8th to 14th June 2020) and so while this won't entirely depart from the mental well-being stuff I've talked about for the last three months, I was reflecting on my experiences specifically with diabetes more than usual last night.</div><div><br /></div><div>I was trying to remember how old I was when I got got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I always start by telling myself it was the October of my graduate year at university as I remember it being a fairly isolating experience in many ways. But that's not true. The date I mean - it was isolating in a lot of ways. I remember trying to explain it all to a couple of my course-mates (and fellow 5-a-side colleagues) and how lower GI stuff like Shreddies would help. "Shreddies - keeps diabetes locked up til lunch" still makes me smile. But that must have been the start of my third year which was October 2001.</div><div><br /></div><div>And that means next year will be 20 years with type 1 - half my life. After that point it'll be something that'll be the bigger part of my experiences, not the smaller part. Those 20 years without diabetes would always be a static thing, but soon that block of time will become a decreasing minority.</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img height="320" src="https://i.imgflip.com/44i12s.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Memes for all occasions<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div>Looking back at the start of this adventure I was woefully ill-placed to deal with it - not that there's ever really a <i>good</i> time to get diagnosed with a chronic condition but still... A few ridiculous things really stand out from those first few months. I remember being told to make sure I'd eaten before playing football at university so I'd cram all sorts in before a match and wonder why I was sky high afterwards. I started off on mixed insulin so there wasn't really a concept (that I'd be told about at least) of correction doses so I just lived with it.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I switched to basal/bolus a year or so later, that felt like a little more freedom, but I was still walking around with way too little knowledge in my head. That's <i>diabetes</i> knowledge for those giggling at the back... While I finally had the tools to finesse my own self-management, I didn't have the understanding. One unit for 10g of carbs seemed to work, but I'm sure it took <b>years </b>for me to ask what would happen if I did insulin <i>without</i> food and finally understand if my levels were high I could just <b>do insulin to fix it</b>. Seems so obvious now, but it was alien to me for so long.</div><div><br /></div><div>And (as I gratuitously wield my crowbar) it got me thinking about other paths I'd not taken because of things I didn't know or was scared of finding out. Opportunities I didn't take, places I didn't go, girls I didn't ask out, invitations I turned down... all because I was unsure of myself or scared.</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Justin Whang ð on Twitter: "Crazy how the "you posted cringe ..." height="320" src="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D6UT2bNWwAMAN5y.jpg" width="276" /></div><div><br /></div><div>I think what it made me realise (at nearly 1am...) is that the stress and anxiety that I've really only <i>consciously</i> started to be aware of has actually been around for a really long time. Looking back, some "coping" mechanisms have been fairly common over the years (however cringe-worthy they were and how hard they are to let go of), some of the anxiety symptoms probably date back over 25 years.</div><div><br /></div><div>So I think there are a lot of things I wish I'd known. All the stuff I've accumulated over nearly 20 (TWENTY) years of living with diabetes would obviously have been hugely beneficial way back in 2001. But I've been struck again by how much the mental aspects have been so important. Not just in terms of missing out on lived experience, self-confidence or self-esteem, but that overlap with managing the physical bits.</div><div><br /></div><div>I had a conversation with someone recently about how easy it feels now to instinctively know what my insulin doses should be, and that the textbook answers don't reflect what I intrinsically know to be true about my own care. But whilst that trial and error, and learning from those mistakes has been tough at times, it feels easy in comparison to understanding and managing things that aren't tangible or don't manifest themselves as physical problems to solve.</div><div><br /></div><div>I don't know... it makes sense to me, and if you can relate too, that's good. Happy diabetes week. Until next time</div><div><br /></div><div>Stay safe x</div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-30890948703554734132020-06-02T01:59:00.002-07:002020-06-02T01:59:45.216-07:00Weeks Ten and Eleven - (Im)balancePredictably I missed last Monday as it was a Bank Holiday and I had a week off. I missed posting yesterday because I wasn't sure I had the right words to be able to articulate what I wanted to say. I'm still not sure I do but let's see where this goes eh?<div><br /></div><div>Since I last posed, I've edged a year closer to 40. Facebook memories see to suggest I'm forever bound to say "older but not wiser - haha" and that absolutely feels true in one sense, but maybe less so in another.</div><div><br /></div><div>Over the last year, I think StressControl and CBT have taught me some sense of self-awareness that I wasn't really conscious of before. Whether I'm actually wise enough to be conscious of it <i>in the moments I need to</i> is a wholly different matter.</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Dwight Schrute on Twitter: "https://t.co/ENkQrYSh0E"" height="320" src="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cf5D8brUkAAWsDe.jpg:large" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="287" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Absolutely I am Dwight<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div>One of the main themes at StressControl was about how we often <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/10/controlling-your-future.html" target="_blank">judge ourselves more harshly</a> than we would others and are our own worst critic. At CBT we talked about how powerful meaningful relationships are and how they can make a really positive difference to how we feel. I guess that latter part at least is familiar to many people right now given that lockdown has many of us distanced from those people we rely on.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think where I've often felt like I've struggled is in finding those relationships. I've got a catalogue of reasons why that's the case - you can leaf through that at your own leisure - but I think I large part of it is down to not being able to understand where the right balance (or equilibrium - <i>get some mileage out of that economics degree</i>) is.</div><div><br /></div><div>But this is where the words dry up a little. I'm not sure how to get that final point down:</div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span>a) without coming across with an inflated sense of self-importance </div><div><span> </span>b) succinctly or </div><div><span> </span>c) in any kind of way which actually gets to the heart of what I'm trying to say</div><div><br /></div><div>I guess the point is that I often feel like I mis-judge what those friend/relationships should look like or what the dynamic is. Pushing way too hard when there's no need, cutting myself off entirely because it's easier than working through what the middle ground should look like or just driving myself crazy with self-doubt, worry and anxiety. Where this was bad before, lockdown has made it a lot worse.</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Jaboukie Young-White Me to My Anxiety People Are Focused on ..." height="215" src="https://pics.me.me/jaboukie-young-white-jaboukie-me-to-my-anxiety-people-are-focused-55749250.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Imbalance</td></tr></tbody></table><div><br />I've thought about referring myself back to IAPT but I'm still not sure I'm clear on the thing that would be most helpful so I'm keeping that in my back pocket for now. I've thought about seeing a GP though that's kind of a nuclear option I'd rather not take. And there's no way I'm going near a surgery right now in any case.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think I've got most of the tools and knowledge to be able to make this better (there's the wisdom) but it's still difficult to take that mental step back and use them objectively. That bit is really hard, and the nagging self-doubt that asks whether I am good enough makes it tougher.</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6Zstw0tP0CbyAroWYSeYaDfDmK0Hwih6ZoYsCnxwMonl5YN_OABRNQiZJVOQVabQjgee6lDTWRaIurOryA7mfwMibZ2gal-tBS_NhMuJ37SsVeZWd5yRS60M73dDc3esgx2vZQ8TGF31K/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="591" data-original-width="494" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6Zstw0tP0CbyAroWYSeYaDfDmK0Hwih6ZoYsCnxwMonl5YN_OABRNQiZJVOQVabQjgee6lDTWRaIurOryA7mfwMibZ2gal-tBS_NhMuJ37SsVeZWd5yRS60M73dDc3esgx2vZQ8TGF31K/s320/1.PNG" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's ridiculous when you see it like this - but seeing it like this is the tough part<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div>As this blog becomes progressively about mental health and less about diabetes, I probably need to grab food so I don't have a hypo in a meeting later on.</div><div><br /></div><div>Stay safe x</div><div><br /></div><div>(And don't worry, I've ordered Lego)</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-40926501587813002432020-05-18T00:54:00.001-07:002020-05-18T00:55:28.619-07:00Week Nine - Any End In Sight?I've definitely been trying to focus on <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2020/05/week-eight-one-nice-thing.html" target="_blank">One Nice Thing</a> over the last week and it's kinda helped to some degree. I had a few photos printed up as part of an early... *ahem*'th birthday present and they looked exactly as I'd hoped. It'll be nice to have those memories on show if I get round to hanging them within the next five years.<div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinG9phMb3KI-LhnuhcklipQQmRRO1RR3QfvPio1wANExH2xkLfYhyphenhyphenny6eWOPqQgtQnrIn2tLNddaLDvYmzfc590fbR77c2EsMonic9nw1QZ-x9Cwvlss5POF1bodk_KFumF2ZmNViDSECR/" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3094" data-original-width="9244" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinG9phMb3KI-LhnuhcklipQQmRRO1RR3QfvPio1wANExH2xkLfYhyphenhyphenny6eWOPqQgtQnrIn2tLNddaLDvYmzfc590fbR77c2EsMonic9nw1QZ-x9Cwvlss5POF1bodk_KFumF2ZmNViDSECR/w400-h134/DSC_0019-Pano-Edit.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dubrovnik from the city walls</td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim8ZJtfArg1NHtJg87T2uRP8dVJLi3ghC5Fb1vSQbp6HaEzKy2H_J_YS0r6OU6J1kbs1diFTWhVnfEBGnA9oaTfhnOGRbgoneX6W3CN3A4QQmgE8hJiR1vIcXRLYCmMRXw4qc8vnJA89dL/" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3181" data-original-width="10441" height="121" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim8ZJtfArg1NHtJg87T2uRP8dVJLi3ghC5Fb1vSQbp6HaEzKy2H_J_YS0r6OU6J1kbs1diFTWhVnfEBGnA9oaTfhnOGRbgoneX6W3CN3A4QQmgE8hJiR1vIcXRLYCmMRXw4qc8vnJA89dL/w400-h121/DSC_0136-Pano.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">A view of Ambleside in the Lake District</div><div><br style="text-align: left;" /></div></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div>I'm also squarely looking forward to a week off at the end of this week and spending some time not thinking about email and Zoom. If the weather holds, we've cracked it.</div><div><br /></div><div>I also managed to have a diabetes clinic appointment over the phone which was a lot less stressful than trying to find somewhere to park at the hospital and be staring at the walls of the waiting room forever. Nothing too major to report - still work to do to stave off more hypoglycaemia episodes but as I've said in one of these blogs before - I feel like I'm taking the rough with the smooth when it comes to diabetes right now.</div><div><br /></div><div>My consultant talked about pump upgrades again and is desperate for me to switch to the Tandem t slim pump and basically set myself up with a closed loop system of sorts that would probably reduce the number of lows. I'd have to give up my funded Libre and then totally self-fund a Dexcom G6 (for about £2500 a year). I'm going to take some time to think about it properly - it's a lot of money, but potentially a big difference in quality of life. If you're using it all together and have any insight, I'd love to hear about it.</div><div><br /></div><div>This flip side of this week's coin is just the relentlessness of everything. Obviously this situation is tough for everyone in different ways. I know I've felt it mentally - some days more than others and some <i>weeks</i> more than others as well.</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Cross off date possible with two subDomainTextFormat? · Issue #260 ..." height="225" src="https://user-images.githubusercontent.com/15062408/47454403-c6102280-d7ec-11e8-8a64-7381a8dfff88.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A calendar image that lined up to today's date (if not day) was a happy coincidence</td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Having something to aim for makes a big difference and I think that's what I certainly feel is lacking. Most of the time I don't feel too put out by the restrictions - in fact I think it's lead to some positive changes overall that I really want to hold on to.</div><div><br /></div><div>But there are times when being locked in that cycle of shower, eight hours of video calls, cook dinner, load/unload the dishwasher, TV, bed feels a bit like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gep2sZ619cw">Dr Strange battling Dormammu in the time loop</a> (yes we've watched all the MCU films).</div><div><br /></div><div>There are definitely days where I question the futility of that - if all I'm working towards is more of the same, then is there any point in that effort? Not in a harmful way I should probably add. I've always tried to put as much of myself as possible into what I do and I don't feel like I want to pull back from that necessarily, but it's taking a toll right now.</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" height="200" src="https://i2.wp.com/www.jack.guru/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/all-work-and-no-play-make-jake-a-dull-boy.jpg?resize=570%2C285&ssl=1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><div>I think the trick here again is to focus on the short term 'ends' and the compress the horizon for everything. It's all an adjustment for everyone and knowing that I don't always handle the internal aspects of things like this particularly well, I should be more conscious of how I approach it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Bank holiday next Monday so will inevitably forget to post.</div><div><br /></div><div>Stay safe x</div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-69191076987322004132020-05-11T01:30:00.001-07:002020-05-11T01:30:27.272-07:00Week Eight - One Nice ThingAt least I think it's week eight... I know lockdown officially began on March 23rd but I'd definitely been working at home for about a week and a half before that.<div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw9Qj3bVsnsVMk7zsMNeP1-0MylF6WVabPzmJVUkPLP1G7RQ0QaOcUYjwsboqbZQfEnouxT5wml49okztEW5nyU0LYEGq0cuQuHuBIQ7BePIJRoe7RTYC6CJRN-sGIkGJMKrG1QPH9sXxx/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw9Qj3bVsnsVMk7zsMNeP1-0MylF6WVabPzmJVUkPLP1G7RQ0QaOcUYjwsboqbZQfEnouxT5wml49okztEW5nyU0LYEGq0cuQuHuBIQ7BePIJRoe7RTYC6CJRN-sGIkGJMKrG1QPH9sXxx/w400-h400/2020-in-a-nutshell-what-day-is-it-meme.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div>Some of the days do have that sense about them and at times it definitely feels like they're merging into an amorphous blob of stuff. Some days fly by and then others seem to draw themselves out forever. A three-day weekend definitely helped me reset to a large degree but there's something about this situation that's exhausting. A couple of days with no alarm and no real need to do very much or even get beyond the garden feel like they've wiped me out. I'm fairly sure it's down to the mental effort we're expending trying to keep on an even keel.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO1dp2v-uCSYY41x0uK2P2har-1Yc62Te6rId2fwIvA4PLROWCfqaI8wBKguL-6USjhpDC5vQAVoGVoN3XR_8AFIe6uJrRuccVIrXMhuFLIX4bf7HsJXyK8i4cttfCLSnfovZiN3BtdZc4/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1500" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO1dp2v-uCSYY41x0uK2P2har-1Yc62Te6rId2fwIvA4PLROWCfqaI8wBKguL-6USjhpDC5vQAVoGVoN3XR_8AFIe6uJrRuccVIrXMhuFLIX4bf7HsJXyK8i4cttfCLSnfovZiN3BtdZc4/w400-h266/jimbowen1403d.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Most of this last week's diabetes problems have been about keeping out of the red and in the black which I will admit has felt a little relentless at times. After some extensive research over the last few days, I think I'm close to publishing a paper confirming that bourbon biscuits have little to no effect on blood sugar whatsoever. I am also implying that they therefore have no calories either... It'll pass as it always does, but feeling like you're constantly scouring the kitchen cupboards for something to eat can be another layer on top of everything else you're trying to think about.</div><div><br /></div><div>A couple of things sprang to mind this week. Firstly that it's felt harder at times to maintain that 'deep breath, think before you speak' approach to communicating, whether that's at home or at work. I think the current climate (<i>sick of writing that</i>) and how far we are into this way of living gets to us all at some point, and it's almost inevitable that some part of us will snap, however briefly. It's also easy to have our head down thinking about our own situation, when the reality of it is that everyone has their own version of that too. I'd like to think I've been generally conscious of that - what feels like 40 hours of video calls a week means you can't help but understand people's circumstances, but it's no bad thing to be more explicit about it in my thinking.</div><div><br /></div><div>The other thing is really to think of One Nice Thing about the day and try and hold on to it. After StressControl I tried to write three positive things down from each day before I went to bed as a reminder that the stress and anxiety was always balanced out by other things. I've lowered the bar a fair bit for the time being, but hoping it continues to make some small difference.</div><div><br /></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu2Pfz4uq3vSNDxCuDvEzdLQOaNKESkLzOpc7-OQA4EA9jQoxDu7hL_c-KayST8LJs3OHNYKL4_7RmKkHnixfv_mYnOYldsJxLiyDY7MSHeEZkIsis2dQorznjybdPLk51rwic8DaSWRqs/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu2Pfz4uq3vSNDxCuDvEzdLQOaNKESkLzOpc7-OQA4EA9jQoxDu7hL_c-KayST8LJs3OHNYKL4_7RmKkHnixfv_mYnOYldsJxLiyDY7MSHeEZkIsis2dQorznjybdPLk51rwic8DaSWRqs/w240-h320/20200510_162305.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">After a couple of glorious days, the weather turned yesterday so we had some ultimate comfort food in meat and potato pie<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /></div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhrzccC1YGG9lIWoCpX8SnsEZz5oSmTDQtucm9OORmpPVVACle872DI873iZd_6CJx1dws80TtIn4eHPbNr6fnn7J0Ekt4gxu8eJr7cecdyaO8L6TCjToLnGeqBOnD321u4dIuxYus36V5/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhrzccC1YGG9lIWoCpX8SnsEZz5oSmTDQtucm9OORmpPVVACle872DI873iZd_6CJx1dws80TtIn4eHPbNr6fnn7J0Ekt4gxu8eJr7cecdyaO8L6TCjToLnGeqBOnD321u4dIuxYus36V5/w400-h300/EXXFIYnUYAAUszA.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was the sunset on Thursday after my dad got taken to hospital (and thankfully discharged with antibiotics about 8 hours later)<br /><br /><br /><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3bUknaNuka3dMHbV-LOFDXcyQv8JNdYglK78xHaUB41hcm3h5-tSxfBZYT5RzZlg_bZ31I7C7xttg1Y8UW_R30YMI3Q1SYM6bGjEi1WsmY91ayyAFvJWfBTM63zWTPXvha3OpvGiiWBuJ/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3bUknaNuka3dMHbV-LOFDXcyQv8JNdYglK78xHaUB41hcm3h5-tSxfBZYT5RzZlg_bZ31I7C7xttg1Y8UW_R30YMI3Q1SYM6bGjEi1WsmY91ayyAFvJWfBTM63zWTPXvha3OpvGiiWBuJ/w400-h225/EXZ3IIcXgAAHssE.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Managed to order some Lego that's usually only available from one shop at Legoland in Denmark - they've made it available online due to COVID<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div></td></tr></tbody></table><div>It's still a massive set of ups and downs and it's the same for everyone I talk to as well. In some sense, it's hard to take comfort from the fact that everyone is on this relentless roller coaster, but at the same time it's kinda reassuring that everyone can almost certainly relate to how you're feeling at any given moment, even if it remains largely unsaid.</div><div><br /></div><div>Safe <strike>safe</strike> <strike>alert</strike> safe x</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-894410413214627142020-05-04T02:29:00.000-07:002020-05-05T05:03:15.974-07:00Week Seven - Ups and DownsOn their debut album 'Love, And Other Catastrophes" the aptly named Skint & Demoralised sang about <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rh4Uzhs6zMU" target="_blank">major highs, manic lows</a> and that's a little what this last week has felt like.<br />
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When it's been good, it's been really good. When it's been bad, well... it's been bad.<br />
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Having diabetes has felt like a lot more of a job this last week as you'll see below. Yesterday in particular ended up with me curled up, asleep on the sofa at about 3pm with a nice hypo headache.<br />
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I talked about distractions last week and that's still the name of the game right now. A combination of things mean that I worked til 9:30pm - 10pm three days running (having stopped for dinner and half a film). Normally I'd be cursing even the <i>need</i> to work after about 6pm, let alone actually doing it, but it felt strangely calm - almost relaxing - to have something to keep my find focused. It also had the benefit of making me feel almost productive at some point too.<br />
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I talked a bit about managing the voices/thoughts last week too and that's still been very challenging at times, particularly when trying to switch off at night. I'd taken to kind of half going to bed, but staying up til gone midnight some nights over the last few weeks just so I could exhaust myself. The problem with that is that it's a great short-term fix but long term you end up asleep on the sofa on a Sunday afternoon.<br />
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And I think that's almost been a lot of lockdown in a nutshell - some of the short term difficulties can be managed, but I'm not sure I've figured out how to do it in a sustainable way that doesn't just create a different problem to solve another time.<br />
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Worth mentioning a few of the highlights as well just to remember the highs as well as the lows:<br />
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<ol>
<li>Made <a href="http://www.dollybakes.co.uk/2012/02/back-to-school-aussie-crunch.html" target="_blank">Australian Crunch</a> over the weekend - proper throwback to school dinner desserts and one of the best chocolate things going (Galaxy milk choc on top for best effect)</li>
<li>Bought a new Xbox and played a lot of Lego Marvel Superheroes with Violet</li>
<li>Managed to run 10km (with Violet on her bike) on Sunday - first time over that distance in a year, and awarded myself this medal from a virtual race</li>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6eF1qz667sr3Zt0YLmiZaPYZyCigA2pL1Nf7OxVz-n2quMhmMlYSWc9GwtGgiL6259J6kWPVi_N8OomkmFr8TNB8hYQ3HNFbHwxNAbxGi-jMeeWOQf4H6CB72PhqXcMGALjeWWanmtttc/s1600/EXFSdwgWsAAZS0H.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="680" data-original-width="680" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6eF1qz667sr3Zt0YLmiZaPYZyCigA2pL1Nf7OxVz-n2quMhmMlYSWc9GwtGgiL6259J6kWPVi_N8OomkmFr8TNB8hYQ3HNFbHwxNAbxGi-jMeeWOQf4H6CB72PhqXcMGALjeWWanmtttc/s320/EXFSdwgWsAAZS0H.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Finally, I know I've been really lucky to be able to call on a couple of close friends who have helped me be objective and rational (for me at least) and taken the edge of some of those manic times. I won't name names, but if you're reading this and it sounds like you, it probably is. Thanks.</div>
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I guess the message is the same. It's hard sometimes, and lockdown life makes it harder to manage and to escape. One of Violet's favourite quotes is this from John Lennon. I find it hard to believe in it sometimes and it almost feels a little but trite, but to hear a 10 year old say it every so often does give you some hope</div>
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Stay safe x</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-72337519104761495602020-04-27T04:13:00.000-07:002020-04-27T04:13:07.063-07:00Week Six - DistractionAnother Monday and another week of largely <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnd1jKcfBRE" target="_blank">remaining indoors</a>.<br />
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It's felt a little.... more straightforward this week. I'm loathe to say 'easier' because it's felt a little like peaks and troughs over the last few days. A relatively quieter week at work has helped so that's something.<br />
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So far the sun's kept shining which I think is definitely a positive to cling on to. I think a few days of rain (which looks forecast for this week) will make for a somewhat less manageable lockdown experience.<br />
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I've also tried to make a very conscious effort to look for distractions or hobbies to give me some focus. Certainly something beyond staring at some game on my phone at least.<br />
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I've got round to listening to a podcast that I never thought I'd find time for. It's called <a href="https://officeladies.com/" target="_blank">Office Ladies</a> and is an episode-by-episode behind the scenes rewatch of The Office - An American Workplace (scientifically the best TV comedy of all time). At about an hour an episode it's a good start to a weekend morning and means I'm learning some new stuff about a show I could practically quote. It also ties in nicely with my inspired decision to start and rewatch the whole thing from the beginning too.<br />
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The last few weeks I've got more and more into my newest middle-class hobby which is rock painting! It all started when we found a couple on the ground near where we live while we were on our daily walk and spiraled quite quickly from there. Historically I've never been someone you'd associate the words "artistic" or "patient" with but I'm certainly learning to harness the latter. I've found it helps me stay calm and feel focused, and there's a bonus that it's a good family activity for us all.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvhRw3AbN_qSHVDCxONxRVZk6FpbC92aOsSiJ0iQXFRk8fvLrpD3NiSj22KmRksbni6fXCju6qiu5oCToATzhumj2rKbucT3FPYVnjdDJ94kOVABxxkVEgRYqXfDPvjbWSxz_cmSfGkh2e/s1600/EWiKhAMXgAAGnf4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1513" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvhRw3AbN_qSHVDCxONxRVZk6FpbC92aOsSiJ0iQXFRk8fvLrpD3NiSj22KmRksbni6fXCju6qiu5oCToATzhumj2rKbucT3FPYVnjdDJ94kOVABxxkVEgRYqXfDPvjbWSxz_cmSfGkh2e/s320/EWiKhAMXgAAGnf4.jpg" width="302" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This weekend's efforts</td></tr>
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We've also reached that stage where we've had a family quiz over Zoom. A top score of 9/20 suggests we all need to reset our expectations of what 'easy' is.<br />
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Of course it's not all sunshine and plain sailing, but I'm definitely at the stage where I know that's not going to be the norm, even if I'm a little way of mastering how to cope with it.<br />
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I think one of the hardest things I've found over the last week (and feels like something that's been a fairly constant background for me for a while) is finding it hard to stop myself following a thought to some fantastical and unlikely resolution.<br />
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It's hard to really describe what that's like without using examples I'd rather not share here, but it often comes down to something jumping into my head and staying there while I simultaneously try to forget about it entirely <i>and</i> completely fixate on it in the worst possible ways.<br />
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I found <a href="https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hearing-voices/managing-voices/" target="_blank">these resources from Mind</a> which helped a little, and resonated well with some of the learning from StressControl last year. I'm not convinced I'm 'hearing voices' and I don't think it necessarily strays into intrusive thoughts per se, and certainly not <i>harmful </i>intrusive thoughts. It's more that I find it hard to not fixate on something once I start.<br />
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And so that's where distractions come in. For me, right now it's a balance between distracting myself with new things that I'm enjoying and also learning to manage and try to de-escalate the stress and anxiety when distraction doesn't work. It's a learning curve that feels a little steeper because of the situation we find ourselves in right now, and ultimately I think it comes down to celebrating the good days and stopping the bad days from bringing you too far down.<br />
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Stay safe xUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-30744805789725074402020-04-20T01:01:00.000-07:002020-04-20T01:01:18.786-07:00Weeks Four and Five - Get Back on TrackI skipped last week. Partly because it was Easter Monday and partly because it was the first lie in past 9am I'd had in years and I let the day get away from me a little.<br />
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I think it's fair to say my general wellbeing has deteriorated over the last couple of weeks - I'd forgotten how easy it is to let everything get out of control if you don't keep at least one eye on it. At times like these it feels much harder to be conscious of it because it isn't one single thing - it's <i>everything</i> that you need to be mindful of. As my friend Taylor would say, it's kinda like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTEFSuFfgnU" target="_blank">death by a thousand cuts</a>.<br />
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So work has definitely felt tough - we've got a big opportunity to make significant change right now in the wake of coronavirus and that's genuinely exciting. It's also genuinely exhausting and the lack of variety that a constant stream of teleconferences presents is really challenging.<br />
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I also find it hard to learn from my past experiences... just because 18 meetings in two days is possible on paper, doesn't mean it's a good idea. One of my learnings for all of life is to feel OK saying 'no' to people. It's definitely hard when you need to do things at pace, but I know I can't work at that level relentlessly so something will have to change.<br />
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Whilst diabetes and me haven't ever been best friends, the last couple of weeks have tested our relationship a little more than usual. You'd think being at home would allow you to control for all those external factors like early starts and dashing for trains, but my levels have been on as much of a roller coaster as my mental health, and of course there's an intrinsic link between the two.<br />
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Being cooped up has definitely reached that point where I've felt a bit cabin feverish. This is the bit I'm maybe most frustrated about because it felt inevitable that this would take it's toll and I feel like I've idly watched it creep up and then run right past me and now I'm playing catch up.<br />
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I'm sure I'm not alone in realising how much difference my weekly routine makes to my general positivity. Catching up with friends at Hillsborough, bacon butty from the cafe once a week, seeing people at ballet while Violet dances.... even the freedom that walking round ASDA gave me feels hugely important right now and I'm starting to miss it a lot.<br />
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I've been out every day and that's definitely a highlight and I'll keep doing it even in the pouring rain. I've got back into cooking and baking with Violet in a fairly big way (despite feeling a little ashamed that it's taken a Hello Fresh delivery to remind me how much I love cooking). I've also found a new family friendly middle class hobby in rock painting. I'm definitely not the most creative or artistic person on the planet (or in my family...) but it's calming so I'll persist with it. The meditation and breathing exercises I've got make a big difference too. If you're after an introduction to those, Headspace are offering some <a href="https://www.headspace.com/covid-19" target="_blank">free resources</a> at the moment.<br />
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Keeping up with this blog and writing stuff down for myself is helping too. I think it's about working out what sensible support mechanisms I can put in place for myself and my own sanity while this is all going on. And remembering that I find some bits harder than others. I still haven't found a way to talk kindly to myself, even after StressControl and CBT. I'm better at calming myself sometimes, but this is the hardest part for me by some stretch so it just means I'll have to keep working at it and celebrate the small victories.<br />
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If you made it this far I hope you're staying safe and staying well. The pic above is definitely tongue in cheek, but remember it's a marathon, not a sprint.<br />
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Take care x<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-49106673883723475022020-04-06T00:40:00.002-07:002020-04-06T00:40:56.951-07:00Week Three - Practice What You Preach<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Like most people, Fridays were the day I looked forward to the most - you know, back in the day where this endlessness didn't exist.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'd walk Violet round to school, jump in the car and head out for a coffee with my wife before logging on a little later than usual. Hectic diaries meant that Friday mornings were usually the only chance we both had an hour or so of free time so we'd make the most of it. I used to have very few meetings so could catch up on all my work and head into the weekend relatively relaxed and caught up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Now every day has a pretty consistent feel about it, with the remnants of my old regular meetings being the only reminder about the old 'structure' that life used to have.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Instead of looking forward to Fridays, I honestly feel like I'm just trying to survive them. The last couple of weeks it's felt like I've shut my laptop down at 5pm (if I'm lucky) and I'm broken.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My job means I need to be there for a pretty large group of people who are all going through the same things, but with different perspectives, challenges and fears. Actually it's not that I <b>need </b>to be there, I <b>want</b> to be. My team do a hell of a lot and I think feels as familial as it could be for 30 people spread right across the UK, and I want to support all those people who are absolutely my work family.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">What I'm struggling with is the ability to follow the advice I give everyone else - certainly not to the same extent.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My wife asked me why, given I'm pretty well-practiced at worrying whether or not the sun will come up tomorrow, am I being pretty laid back about this whole end-of-the-world-global-pandemic situation?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Stress Control and CBT definitely helped to some degree. I can only control the things I can control. I need to find the thing(s) that drive that worry and be objective about them. I need to rationally see what's going on around me rather than live life through some anxiety-fuelled lens of madness (this one is still hard sometimes). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But that's not always how I feel. Friday afternoon usually has me at that point where my chest aches... not physically, but that feeling you* get when you feel like you've been tense for a week and have only just realised it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">*<i>I say 'you' - could just be me...</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I know it's not possible to stick to the same routine I had 8 weeks ago, and I've started making changes. A 10 minute walk around the block when I can manage it is a big part of the day, as is sticking on some calming music or a 10 minute meditation on my phone. It's hard to explain the difference some deep breathing can actually make.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">What I need to get better at is remembering this is a long haul. Cramming my diary with meeting after meeting might give the illusion of productivity or accomplishment, but I don't think the cost is always worth the payoff. I'm getting better at skipping out on those things I think don't need me and gradually getting better at making time for myself - even just to get up from my desk and sit on the sofa in my favourite corner for a few minutes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So I need to practice more of what I preach. Always easier to be objective for other people and I need to give more of that to myself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If you got this far - thanks. Hope you're managing well too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Stay safe x</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-1256976556981289762020-03-30T00:56:00.000-07:002020-03-30T00:56:14.186-07:00Week Two - A New Normal...ishSo that's the end of week two (though you could tell me it's month two and I'm not sure I'd argue with you).<br />
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It's been another week of adjustments. Like many people, I'm now running a school timetable five days a week and it's instantly made me realise how hard being a teacher must really be. <br />
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I think we did a passable job of it this week. We decided that even trying to replicate a school timetable (or have all the same stuff every day) was impossible. It's anchored around some of the amazing online stuff that's cropped up (PE with Joe Wicks on YouTube and English Live! with Holly on Facebook) but there's a lot of flex around our diaries so we can 'teach' a bit and put some variety in alongside Maths, English and Reading.<br />
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It definitely felt like a long week at work - I was emotionally exhausted by 5pm on Friday. It's hard to work out how best to pace yourself when working, sleeping and living all really take place in the same four walls, but I'll get there with time.<br />
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I've been out for my state-sanctioned walk every day (even fitting in some <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-MAlatKJ7iWWAOzTKllEHA/" target="_blank">Plastic Detectives</a> with Violet a couple of times - full back catalogue to be uploaded), and that feeling of fresh air (and even some sunshine) can't be over-estimated right now. I even managed a 'run' on Sunday - now seems as good a time as any to try and get back into it, however slowly.<br />
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What's struck me is how quickly behaviours have changed when you go outside. On the pavements everyone moves out to the edges, even stepping into the road to keep a safe distance. Walking down the gennel near our house, people wait at the end or press themselves tightly up to the fence to let someone pass. We're actively thanking people for keeping away from us which feels like a big behaviour change in a fortnight.<br />
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I've kept away from the news pretty well over the last week. I've stopped watching the daily briefings live and just pick up the main points afterwards. I've also decided it's no good to think about how this plays out in the long term and really just try and do a day at a time. Estimates for how long some elements of our current lives could continue vary a lot and I don't see the point in trying to dwell on something so uncertain. Last year's Stress Control has evidently been good for something!<br />
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Finally, it was good to see the nationwide reaction in support of the NHS this week. I've got friends and family working there, all balancing the same challenges the rest of us are, but alongside the daily work to care for people.<br />
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Until next week.... stay safe, wash your handsUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-78428477268706534042020-03-23T03:23:00.000-07:002020-03-23T03:24:12.343-07:00Week One - Listening Through The NoiseWhat a week eh?<br />
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I feel like I've watched enough disaster movies to know that the coming weeks and months are going to be less than ideal, but that we should all emerge blinking into the sunlight looking at a different world.<br />
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I'm encouraging Violet to keep a diary through all this because I think we'll all look back on these few months for years and years to come. I thought I should try an do the same.<br />
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Like most people I know, I'm trying to be as sensible as I can be. I don't have 2000 loo rolls, the only real stockpiles I have are half a dozen partially used bags of cous cous and quinoa (peak middle class eh?) and some Ryvita that ran out in 2016 but still tastes fine.<br />
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We've been outside every day but kept well away from anyone else. I skipped visiting my mum for Mother's Day and I'm on day 8 of working from home. Given I'm in a higher risk group, I'm only going to the shops when it's absolutely necessary as well.<br />
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Social media and the news, things I've always relied on for my own sanity and sense of connectedness are having the absolute opposite effect right now. I've given up scrolling pretty much anything apart from Instagram and only posting elsewhere occasionally.<br />
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I get that people are angry. Angry at those people ignoring advice. Angry at those pushing three trollyfuls of shopping through crowded check outs. Angry at people heading to the pub for 'one last night out'. I'm angry too.<br />
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But I think people are scared. Fight or flight has never felt stronger for me at times over the last few weeks. That idea of 'doing what I've always done will mean I'll be OK' is completely out of the window now. People resort to routine, comfort and self preservation when they're scared and I think that's what people are doing now.<br />
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Yes it's selfish, but I think it's understandable too. People's anxieties manifest themselves differently, whether that's buying 10 bags of pasta, going to the pub or climbing to the top of the moral high ground. It's all noise we're trying to process to do whatever the right thing is.<br />
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The advice means different things to each of us. DON'T GO OUTSIDE. SELF ISOLATE. SOCIAL DISTANCING. It's panic-inducing, that means people will panic.<br />
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I don't think any of us fully understand what this means right now and we're all doing what we can to get by. I finally found a loaf of bread in the shops yesterday and it felt a little quieter. Not normal, but not end-of-the-world either.<br />
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I don't know what the 'right' thing is. But I know we need to be kind. Buy what you need, stay a safe distance from people, don't berate those who perhaps genuinely don't understand, help a friend or neighbour, don't watch too much news or scroll Twitter all day. Do what you can do and others will follow.<br />
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Stay safe, wash your handsUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-7111534070275824262020-02-06T06:40:00.003-08:002020-02-07T03:34:09.133-08:0030 SongsI mentioned on social media recently that finding my love for music had been a really positive step for me as part of Stress Control and CBT over the last 9 months or so. The posts preceding this give you a sense of those courses were like.<br />
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I came across this playlist challenge at probably just the right moment. It's not something I'd normally ever entertain but I found it really helpful to focus on. It was a way back into things I'd not listened to in a long time and some of the memories that went along with particular songs or albums. Getting down to 30 songs was tough, but I just kept reminding myself that these aren't my favourite 30 songs, or the 'best' - they're just things that speak to me when I look at each topic.<br />
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I put the list together as a whole over about four or five weeks and shuffled a few songs around a couple of categories before it was finished. Weirdly I somehow decided that it was enough to have a list in a spreadsheet and didn't think to listen to it until yesterday (a good few months after I'd finished it).<br />
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What follows are my answers, a YouTube link and some explanation as to why I chose that song where I can give it. Again, not the best 30 songs in the world, or even my 30 favourite - just ones that work well. And listening to the list as a whole was, for me, a hugely positive experience. If you have an Amazon Music subscription, you can listen to the whole lot in just 2 hours and 6 minutes <a href="https://music.amazon.co.uk/user-playlists/936103462e3c49faba31ec5ae48862beengb?ref=dm_sh_jAS8KyBpzA7tk8Xtp5ogm2H5l" target="_blank">here </a><br />
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If you're inspired to have a go, drop me a line on <a href="http://twitter.com/broomowl" target="_blank">twitter.com</a> as I'm always on the look out for something new.<br />
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<b>1. A song with a colour in the title - </b><i>Little Red Corvette by Prince</i><br />
There's a few that sprung to mind here - ELO's Mr Blue Sky, Donovan's Mellow Yellow, Eiffel 65's Blue... but I remember hearing this, and more of Prince's music and it's always stuck with me. Purple Rain was another contender but I went with pop to kick off<br />
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<b>2. A song with a number in the title</b> - <i>Four Out Of Five by Arctic Monkeys</i><br />
I will basically fight anyone who says that Alex Turner isn't one of (if not <i>the</i>) greatest lyricists of this generation. A song about a taco stand on the moon called The Information Action Ratio sounds ludicrous but I love it and it was the stand out track on Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino which I listened to non-stop for weeks<br />
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<b>3. A song that reminds you of summertime - </b><i>Plage by Crystal Fighters</i><br />
I've listened to hardly anything by this group, and I'd not heard this track in years but it immediately sprang to mind. Light, airy and talking about going off down the beach. Summer innit?<br />
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<b>4. A song that reminds you of someone you'd rather forget - </b><i>Don't You Find by Jamie T</i></div>
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The entire song as about remembering people you shouldn't or would rather not and invariably I can't listen to it without mentally ticking off some of those names. Jamie T's entire discography is excellent so would recommend if he's new to you</div>
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<b>5. A song that needs to be played loud - </b><i>I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor by Arctic Monkeys</i><br />
Yes it's their second track in the first five. Yes they'll appear again. There's no rules and you're not the boss of me... I remember hearing this on a demo CD before their first album came out and being blown away by it. I think history shows that it was a focal point for British music as well. I wore out the album CD I played it that much. I've also seen this live and shouted along with thousands of others. Spine tingling.<br />
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<b>6. A song that makes you want to dance - </b><i>Dancing Queen by ABBA</i><br />
Potentially a cop-out choice on the face of it, but for me Dancing Queen is associated with two very strong memories. Firstly being the only album we listened to for a week on our A Level German exchange trip and secondly (and more recently) as the finale number for my daughter's ballet school summer performances. It makes me want to dance because it's the only routine I ever know and I sometimes get the chance to embarrass her at class by dancing along.<br />
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<b>7. A song to drive to - </b><i>Bright Lit Blue Skies by Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti</i><br />
I'm not sure what to say about Ariel Pink other than he has a lot of interesting and varied music and you should give some of it a listen. This is from his 2010 Before Today album and for me is perfect to have on for a summer evening drive.<br />
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<b>8. A song about drugs or alcohol - </b><i>Blinded By The Lights by The Streets</i><br />
As a tee-totaller it was hard to find something to personally relate to here. I considered Blur's Coffee & TV as a compromise, but this from The Streets is almost certainly a more appropriate pills and clubs example<br />
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<b>9. A song that makes you happy - </b><i>My Delirium by Ladyhawke</i><br />
I can't remember how I first heard this, but it's always stuck with me as an upbeat pop number that I have to sing along to. I saw her at the Leadmill in Sheffield too and getting to hear this live was pretty special<br />
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<b>10. A song that makes you sad - </b><i>Five Bottles Of Shampoo by The King Blues</i><br />
The message in this is a positive and affirming one, but I think as a husband and father, it's still appalling that 'don't be a prick to women' is a still a message that anyone should be talking about. The King Blues are the only punk outfit I've seen live (Fibbers in York) and would urge you to listen to their whole 'Punk & Poetry' album if you're feeling even moderately rebellious<br />
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<b>11. A song you never get tired of - </b><i>One Day Like This by Elbow</i><br />
I could basically listen to this on repeat for a week. It's beautiful and passionate and just generally perfect. It was also used as the music for a video summary of my daughter's first ever dance show and a couple of years ago the senior girls did a ballet routine to it as well. Lots of wonderful memories associated with a perfect song<br />
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<b>12. A song from your pre-teen years - </b><i>The Sign by Ace of Base</i><br />
My pre-teen years go up to the early 1990s so there's a wealth of stuff to choose from for this and narrowing it down was nigh on impossible. That said, I can't listen to this without beaming and I think anyone would objectively say it's amazing.<br />
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<b>13. A song from the 70s - </b><i>You're So Vain by Carly Simon</i><br />
Again - how do you pick one song from an entire decade without having some kind of remorse? Loads of artists fell away here because I just love this song - no grander, but also no better reason<br />
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<b>14. A song you'd love to be played at your wedding - </b><i>Nobody Does It Better by Carly Simon</i><br />
It felt wrong (and dangerous) to pick anything other than the song we had for our first dance when we got married<br />
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<b>15. A song that's a cover by another artist - </b><i>Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley </i><br />
I'm unashamedly a snob when it comes to cover versions and so this was a fairly small pool to choose from, with Valerie by Amy Winehouse being the other consideration. Buckley's version of this is haunting and powerful and the definitive version for a lot of people<br />
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<b>16. A song that's a classic favourite - </b><i>Don't Stop Me Now by Queen</i><br />
I'm yet to meet anyone who won't try and sing this at the top of their voice and if that's not the definition of a classic favourite, I don't know what is<br />
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<b>17. A song you'd sing a duet with someone on karaoke - </b><i>Where The Wild Roses Grow by Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue</i><br />
There's a reasonable argument to be made here that I might find someone to do Kylie's part, but this is a wonderful duet and that in itself was a deciding factor in it making the list. Nick Cave is another one of those people who's lyrics I could listen to forever and he'll pop up again shortly.<br />
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<b>18. A song from the year you were born - </b><i>Start Me Up by The Rolling Stones</i><br />
Another one where there were a number of contenders (sorry Duran Duran) but I think you can't argue with some classic pop rock that's a toe-tapper<br />
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<b>19. A song that makes you think about life - </b><i>Europe is Lost by Kate Tempest</i><br />
Obviously none of us can remember a time before Brexit and I think Kate Tempest encapsulated that feeling in this track. Her work in general is clever and astounding. It's hard to pull out individual songs from albums that are essentially complete pieces in themselves, but this is exceptional<br />
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<b>20. A song that has many meanings to you - </b><i>Everything That You've Come To Expect by The Last Shadow Puppets</i><br />
There's so much odd fantasy in this that I'd almost struggle to give you one thing it means to me. It takes me back to seeing them at Sheffield City Hall, it's a song I play to calm my anxiety when I have bloods drawn and it partly makes me cast my mind back to different people from my past. The bilabial plosives of "dirtbag ballet by the bins down the alley" are also incredibly pleasing<br />
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<b>21. A song with a person's name in the title - </b><i>Stagger Lee by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds</i><br />
Loads to choose from here, but this made the list for two reasons. Firstly Nick Cave's ability to tell murderous stories like this is unparalleled and secondly Stagger Lee itself is such an interesting song. A <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stagger_Lee" target="_blank">folk song first recorded in 1923</a> and then retold in different ways by different artists over the years.<br />
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<b>22. A song that moves you on - </b><i>99 Problems by Jay Z</i><br />
Jay narrowly beat out Britney's 'Toxic' here which was the first song on my running playlist for years. I'm a big fan of his early stuff on The Black Album as well as Magna Carter and 4:44. I saw 99 Problems live as part of the Watch The Throne tour in Manchester and it was incredible.<br />
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<b>23. A song you think everyone should listen to - </b><i>People's Faces by Kate Tempest</i></div>
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Again, Kate Tempest's ability to tell a story and really see people comes through on this one for me. I think it sparks something different inside all of us and is underpinned by a hypnotic hook. Don't read my words, listen instead</div>
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<b>24. A song by a band you wish were still together - </b><i>Something by The Beatles</i></div>
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Picking a single Beatles track is hard enough but I've always loved Harrison's simple love song. This was another one from our wedding and something I used to sing to Violet when she was born.</div>
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<b>25. A song by an artist no longer living - </b><i>Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division</i></div>
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Ian Curtis died before I was born so I think that qualifies Joy Division for this one. The first 30 seconds of this song alone are enough. </div>
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<b>26. A song that makes you want to fall in love - </b><i>One Hundred and Thirteen by Middleman</i></div>
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Most of us have probably been head over heels in love at some point in our lives, but I don't think anyone has ever managed to put down in words the beauty that we see in someone else the way that this song does. It's spoken-word over gorgeous music and if this doesn't make you want to fall in love then nothing will</div>
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<b>27. A song that breaks your heart - </b><i>Sometime Around Midnight by The Airborne Toxic Event</i></div>
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This is just pure artistry. A song built on layers, from orchestral music, to soft lyrics, to guitars to an impassioned plea for an unrequited love. It builds to a crescendo and really evokes that feeling of unrequited love and wanting someone when it's never meant to be</div>
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<b>28. A song by an artist who's voice you love - </b><i>Not Mine To Love by Slow Club</i></div>
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Rebecca Taylor's voice is almost certainly the most incredible I've ever heard live. Powerful, emotional and haunting it's criminal that Slow Club weren't more widely successful before the broke up after the release of 2016's One Day All Of This Won't Matter Any More. Rebecca's work as Self Esteem is equally superb in the pop genre but this song (taken from the album Complete Surrender which you should also listen to) feels like she's looking into my soul</div>
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<b>29. A song you remember from your childhood - </b><i>Karma Chameleon by Culture Club</i></div>
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Six fairly emotionally hard hitting and powerful songs are brought to an end with the first song I ever remember. It's easy to almost dismiss it as 'classic 80s' but there's a lot more to it than that</div>
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<b>30. A song that reminds you of yourself - </b><i>Mardy Bum by Arctic Monkeys</i></div>
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Hearing someone being called mardy is one of those things that always reminds me of home. Those things we take for granted about our city that others don't understand mean more to us as we get older. I remember my mum and dad calling me mardy when I was a kid, and I'm still prone to being a mardy arse now. This was my ringtone for years and I can't think of anything better to describe myself</div>
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And that's that. Hopefully you're telling yourself you can do better because these are just those that mean something to me. Your memories and attachments are different, but if you do make your own list, hopefully it's as enjoyable for you as it was for me.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-90880626452194548962019-10-09T23:34:00.001-07:002019-10-09T23:34:35.726-07:00Controlling Your Future<div dir="ltr">
<i>If you want to catch up you can find the </i><a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/08/i-be-fine.html"><i>pre-session</i></a><i>, </i><i><a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/one-two-three-four.html">week one</a></i><i> </i><i>("What is Stress?")</i><i>, </i><i><a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/the-body.html">week two</a></i><i> </i><i>("Controlling Your Body")</i><i>, </i><i><a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/the-mind.html">week three</a></i><i> </i><i>("Controlling Your Mind"),</i><i> </i><i><a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/controlling-your-actions.html">week four</a></i><i> </i><i>("Controlling Your Thoughts") and</i><i> </i><i><a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/10/panic-and-sleep.html">week five</a></i><i> </i><i>("Panic and Sleeping Well")</i><i> </i><i>posts in the links</i></div>
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And so StressControl comes to an end. The title is from one of the slides in this session, but there was an open understanding that it's something easier said than done. We followed a broadly similar approach as previous weeks, this time looking at our personal wellbeing and then covering a quick summary of the previous five weeks. I'm going to talk a bit about wellbeing here as well as covering some of the things I've noticed or that have changed since I started, as well as what some next steps might be.</div>
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Wellbeing</h4>
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In week one, we covered the idea that stress is a continuum with high levels of stress at one end, and low levels at the other. This is a distinction worth making because it's not the goal to eradicate stress entirely, but to try and put ourselves towards the lower end of this particular spectrum. If we think about stress as this horizontal line, wellbeing can be thought of as a similar, vertical continuum with poor wellbeing at the bottom and good wellbeing at the top.</div>
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The World Health Organisation talks about these two extremes as 'languishing' and 'flourishing' and of course, the idea is to move ourselves towards the flourishing end more often than not, whilst also increasing our ability to manage our stress. As with anything worth knowing, overlaying these two concepts gives you a handy 2x2 matrix:</div>
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Obviously we want to be in the top left as often as possible and in the bottom right as scarcely as possible, and because we're people, we'll often move around all four of these. Some high level stats suggest that for every 10 people, three are langishing, five are middling and two are flourising and the tools we have at our disposal are aimed at keeping us away from the languishing end of the spectrum as often as possible.</div>
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We talked about what sort of things you could do to try and improve your own wellbeing, and with my work hat on for the briefest of moments, I was pleased to see that <a href="http://www.diabetes.org.uk/volunteer">volunteering your time</a> was something that was encouraged. Being able to contribute to the wider world around us increases our own personal wellbeing too. Listening to music, being more physically active, getting more fresh air and practicing mindfulness were all suggested too. Learning something new or picking up an old hobby came up too and the idea is that our brains value the sense of accomplishment that comes with learning or completing something.</div>
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Mindfulness is something we hear more and more of but it was interesting to hear the definition they gave, which was really about focusing on the moment we're in without letting ourselves worry about the future or brood about the past. It sounds fairly simple when you hear it like that, but trying to let your mind focus purely on what our sense are experiencing right here and right now can be hard. I think autumn is a good time to try more of that as the leaves change colour, the air gets a little cooler and the familiar scent of fireworks starts to fill the air. It's definitely something that needs practice, but along with some of the breathing exercises we covered, I think it can be really helpful.</div>
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We also talked about the fact that we almost certainly talk to ourselves much more harshly than we would do to anyone else who may be going through something similar. We're often our own worst critic, telling ourselves that something should be easy to do, or that worrying or feeling down is something we can just snap out of, when we'd take a kinder and more gentle approach to friends or family or came to use with the same feelings. I think we all probably recognise that, and it's useful to think about what our compassionate self would say to our stressed self.</div>
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The final thing we covered was something I've heard of before but am yet to try and it's the idea of finding three things to be grateful or thankful for each day. I suppose the idea behind it is that we're allowing ourselves to think about the positive things we've experienced rather than having that feeling that there's nothing good going on. I'll see where I get to...</div>
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We finished the course with a quick tour back through the other five sessions but I won't repeat those here - links at the top of this post if you want to check out anything particular</div>
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What's changed?</h4>
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So what have the last six weeks meant practically? Well six weeks isn't really a long time so some of the changes or differences are in their infancy and as they said, it's almost like the hard work starts now when putting these things into practice every day away from the course.</div>
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I'll start with the positives:</div>
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<li>I've definitely used my rational voice more when I'm approaching known stressful situations (e.g. travelling). I now need to think about being able to have that midset when more unexpected areas of stress arise.</li>
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I've cut out more caffeine later in the day. This is pretty difficult sometimes as my work schedule can be a little unpredictable but overall it's an improvement.</li>
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I've followed some of the progressive muscle relaxation and breathing techniques fairly regularly and I think the breathing in particular has been really helpful.</li>
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I've started blogging again - admittedly only about this course, but it's got me back into something I enjoy when I feel like there's something worth writing down</li>
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I've started listening to a bit more music and watching a little less Netflix. Music has been a longstanding passion of mine but it had become a smaller part of my day and redressing that has been good</li>
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I've done more to cut out eating/snacking to try and cope with feeling tired or stressed. Early days but it's a step in the right direction</li>
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I've gradually started doing a little more exercise. It's not quite as regular or frequent as I'd like, but definitely feels like a positive step</li>
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I've only had one tension headache in about two months - that's definitely worth celebrating!</li>
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And a couple of things that aren't as good:</div>
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<li>I'm a lot more conscious that sometimes I just find myself clenching my jaw and I'm not sure how often it's been going on, but it needs to be very deliberate recognition of it before I stop</li>
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I'm a lot more conscious of a pain or ache in my neck. I can't work out if it means my pillow isn't quite right, or whether it's just holding tension in that part of my body</li>
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I'm equally more conscious of the pain I get in my hip/leg that came before, during and after the London Marathon in April so I think I need to dig out the foam roller again for that</li>
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I still feel knackered all the time</li>
</ul>
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<h4>
So what next?</h4>
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We did a wellbeing questionnaire in weeks one, four and six and whilst my score in the stress half of it decreased (10 to 9 to 8), the low mood half remained fairly static (14 to 13 to 14) and I guess that's something to think about. A lot of the symptoms associated with stress also correlate to the idea of low mood and whilst that might make the stress part of the diagram more manageable, it means you end up being fairly static on the wellbeing axis.</div>
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One of the facilitators suggested I ring up the IAPT wellbeing number and book in for some one-to-one discussion about disentangling the stress and anxiety from the low mood. That feels like a pretty big step. Part of me thinks that it should be easier having done this course - remember it took six months for me to ring up to book onto this in the first place. Having taken the first couple of steps it should be easier to take the next few. But it also feels hard to put yourself in a vulnerable place to talk about something you probably don't really understand yourself.</div>
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I'm going to keep plugging away with the techniques we learned on the course, and keep reinforcing the positive things I've started as best I can. Progress isn't perfectly linear in things like this and it's OK to have the occasional step backwards as long as you're taking a couple forward too. And I'm probably going to make that call...</div>
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If you made it this far (both on this post and throughout the course) then I hope it's been helpful in some way. Everyone's experiences and circumstances are different so use what you can and discard the rest. Hopefully I'll keep coming back to the keyboard more often than not - the focus can be quite cathartic sometimes.</div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>Diabetes UK are running a hugely important campaign about improving the provision of and access to a variety of emotional support services. People with diabetes are twice as likely to suffer from burnout or difficulties with their own mental health compared to those without the condition. Some estimates suggest that one in ten people with diabetes are clinically depressed. You can read more about the vital </i><i><a href="https://www.diabetes.org.uk/get_involved/campaigning/emotional-wellbeing">It's Missing</a></i><i> campaign by following the link. My story is just my story. If you need to talk to someone about how diabetes is making you feel, you can ring the Diabetes UK Helpline on 0345 123 2399 or you can ring Samaritans 24 hours a day on 116 123</i></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-71029990769468211022019-10-01T00:03:00.000-07:002019-10-01T00:03:04.453-07:00Panic and Sleep<div dir="ltr">
<i>If you want to catch up you can find the </i><a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/08/i-be-fine.html"><i>pre-session</i></a><i>, </i><a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/one-two-three-four.html"><i>week one</i></a><i>, </i><a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/the-body.html"><i>week two</i></a><i>, </i><a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/the-mind.html"><i>week three</i></a><i> and </i><a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/controlling-your-actions.html"><i>week four</i></a><i> posts in the links</i></div>
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Welcome to week five - dealing with panic and getting a better night's sleep. Instead of covering these with the usual 'theory/practice' approach, I'm going to talk about them as two separate topics as that's really how we went through them in the session. We were down to 10 (plus three people observing) yesterday which is a far cry from our 20 we started with, and I was a little surprised as I'd expected sleep to be a big draw. One of the facilitators actually said that many people book onto StressControl explicitly for the sleep info as it's something that a lot of people want to know more about. But first - panic:</div>
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<h4>
Panic</h4>
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We talked about what panic is and how those extreme feelings linked to fight or flight can, in some circumstances make us feel like we're dying. A lot of the symptoms of panic are (unsurpisingly) similar to those of stress or anxiety - sweating, dizziness, heart palpatations, clammy hands, shortness of breath etc... Some regular readers may also notice that these are also symptoms some people experience when having a hypo (happy <a href="https://www.diabetes.org.uk/guide-to-diabetes/complications/hypos-hypers/hypo-awareness-week">Hypo Awareness Week</a> by the way...) so understanding the cause is really important.</div>
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We also talked about panic can be a response to a particular situation (confined spaces and having bloods taken from my arm), or can also be 'out of the blue' panic. If you've never had a panic attack, it's not something I'd recommend.</div>
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In terms of management, a lot of techniques we've covered over the last few weeks came in to play. Focusing on breathing is key as it helps us regulate our internal biology. We talked quite a bit about hyperventilating and how this adds to feelings of panic as you're upsetting the oxygen/carbon dioxide balance whichcan fuel some of the symptoms. It's not something I have a lot of personal experience with though.</div>
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Aside from breathing, remembering to engage our rational voice helps - you might feel like you're going to faint, but if you never have, is that a likely outcome or is the fear fuelling the problem? We didn't cover avoidance in relation to panic so based on my own experience, I can tell you I actively <i>do</i> avoid situations that involve confined spaces where I can. I can't avoid blood taking though so it was reassuring that my own personal brand of coping (deep breaths, play some music, focus on something else) is largely in line with proper advice. I think it's helpful to add in the rational thinking bit too though (although I very nearly did genuinely faint once...)</div>
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<h4>
Sleep</h4>
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It did feel like sleep was the thing with the biggest build up, so it may be disappointing to here how it was nearly all grounded in the most mundane, common sense approach imaginable. As with most things throughout the course, it's reassuring that there's nothing too complicated to learn that's brand new, but also makes you wonder why you can't always see the easy common sense stuff for yourself.</div>
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We covered difficulty getting to sleep as well as difficulty staying asleep - I guess the difference between quantity and quality of sleep. Very few silver bullets here, but some of the things worth remembering are:</div>
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<ol>
<li>Avoid caffeine before bed (and bear in mind it can stay in your system for up to eight hours)</li>
<li>
Reduce hot drinks closer to bed time (although the benefits of an Ovaltine are the exception there)</li>
<li>
Alcohol might help you get to sleep but it can affect the quality of your sleep and you shouldn't end up being dependent on it</li>
<li>
Eating a big meal before bed means your body will be digesting if after you've gone to sleep which again can affect the quality of sleep you get</li>
<li>
Cool (but not cold) temperature is best - around 18 degrees. I felt particularly vindicated by this point as I'm a fan of sleeping with the window open</li>
<li>
Reduce noise and light where you can (ear plugs, blackout blinds) but playing white noise can reduce the affects of environmental noise</li>
<li>
Reduce screen time before bed (even where there are blue light filters)</li>
<li>
Keep your bedroom for sleeping and not working, emails etc</li>
</ol>
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We also covered how even small changes can have an impact so if you're struggling with sleep then some of these may be for you.</div>
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I think what I found frustrating here was the X factor that diabetes can chuck into the mix. I didn't have a decaf coffee after about 5pm yesterday, cooled the spare room (early start means I get the spare room) and had ambient noise that I know helps me get to sleep. And then I had a hypo at 2am and was up for about 40 mins before getting up at 4:40am... </div>
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I guess you can only control what you can control, but the impact that diabetes can have on sleep is catastrophic sometimes. I also know that weeks like this where I'll be sleeping in four different beds in seven days means I'll struggle.</div>
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So we're nearly at the end - next week is the final week of the course where we'll link all these bits together in an attempt to have a more concrete plan about improving our wellbeing and thinking about how we continue the work after the course has finished. All the hard work is still to come I think as it's the ability to stay focused on these techniques away from a weekly structure.</div>
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Hopefully this has been helpful - see you next week.</div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>Diabetes UK are running a hugely important campaign about improving the provision of and access to a variety of emotional support services. People with diabetes are twice as likely to suffer from burnout or difficulties with their own mental health compared to those without the condition. Some estimates suggest that one in ten people with diabetes are clinically depressed. You can read more about the vital </i><i><a href="https://www.diabetes.org.uk/get_involved/campaigning/emotional-wellbeing">It's Missing</a></i><i> campaign by following the link. My story is just my story. If you need to talk to someone about how diabetes is making you feel, you can ring the Diabetes UK Helpline on 0345 123 2399 or you can ring Samaritans 24 hours a day on 116 123</i></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-68974165266771434102019-09-24T10:34:00.001-07:002019-09-24T10:34:39.875-07:00Controlling your actions<i style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">If you want to catch up you can find the <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/08/i-be-fine.html" style="color: #7a7a7a; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">pre-session</a>, <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/one-two-three-four.html" style="color: #7a7a7a; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">week one</a>, <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/the-body.html" style="color: #7a7a7a; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">week two</a> and <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/the-mind.html" target="_blank">week three</a> posts in the links</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13.2px;">Anakin Skywalker is out, Peep Show is back! This week at StressControl was focused on being able to control our actions and understand how the things we'd covered in previous weeks (effects on our body and controlling our mind) link together. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13.2px;">Before we started, we re-did the wellbeing questionnaire from week one. I think I'd <i>slightly</i> improved more scores but only by one point each. Interestingly I still scored higher for low mood than for stress/anxiety so there's something to think about in that!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13.2px;">We had the trusty Theory - Coffee - Practice triumvirate to guide us through the session. I scribbled quite a lot down this time, rather than solely relying on the printed materials as my reference for afterwards.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></span>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13.2px;">Theory</span></span></h4>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">As with last week, the most simplistic thing to understand is that if stress can affect our actions, then being able to exercise control over our actions gives us an element of control over stress. This is true for our thoughts and for the physical effects of stress too.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Firstly, some of the common ways we act when we're stressed. I suspect these are familiar to many of us at some point, but note this is by no means an exhaustive list:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><b>Argue</b></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><b>Bite your mails</b></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">Withdraw</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><b>Anger outbursts</b></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">Cry</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><b>Take longer to do [certain] things</b></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">Go quiet</span></span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">The <b>bold</b> ones are certainly some that I identify with, although I'm not sure whether being a serial nail biter since I was about nine years old means I've got 30 years of stress to control... It also serves as a reminder that while we feel the physical and mental manifestations of stress ourselves, there can often be consequences for those closest to us.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">One of the other key things we talked about was the idea of Avoidance and the short vs long-term trade offs that can have for us. It's fairly logical and sensible once you hear it, but I definitely needed it spelling out to be conscious of it.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">It goes like this:</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">If there's a particular situation or task that you know will cause you anxiety, your natural reaction is to avoid it. In the short term that's great because it's reduced your anxiety. The issue is that in the long term, it'll undermine your self-confidence and mean dealing with the stress or anxiety is increasingly hard.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">The first part of that might be pretty obvious, but avoidance is telling ourselves we can't cope with a situation and so we withdraw and identify threats we wouldn't otherwise have considered. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Going back to <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/one-two-three-four.html" target="_blank">session one</a> and the key principle of facing our fears we see the opposite. Facing up to something rather than avoiding it is likely to be worse for our anxiety in the short-term, but it's building up our confidence to deal with stress in the long-term, which will have a positive impact on both self-confidence and self-esteem.</span><br />
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<h4>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Practice</span></h4>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">"So how do we do that?!" I hear you cry? It's grounded in the idea of 'testing reality' and then engaging our rational/conscious voice (from <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/the-mind.html" target="_blank">session three</a>) to do some problem solving.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Reality testing is really asking ourselves to consider two outcomes:</span></div>
<div>
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">What's the consequence if the thing we're worried about happens?</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">What's the consequence if something else happens?</span></span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">Remember the Big 5 Challenges? We can use those to help answer the first question by being more conscious of our rational voice instead of our stress voice.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">So then we problem solve:</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">What problem do we want to solve?</span></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><i>Figure out something that's well defined that would make us feel less stressed or anxious</i></span></span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">What will happen when I face my fear?</span></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><i>Use the skills from controlling our thoughts to make our rational voice the dominant one</i></span></span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">Brainstorm</span></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><i>What are the different courses of action I could take here?</i></span></span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">Choose the best option(s)</span></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><i>Simple pros and cons of our options, and some honesty about whether we think these will bring us immediate success/change or whether we may need to refine them</i></span></span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">Work out a plan</span></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;"><i>When will we take these actions? Will it be more than one our our options? Do we need to use some other skills/techniques (such as relaxation, breathing?)</i></span></span></li>
</ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">Put it into action</span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">When you read most (if not all) of this, it seems to be fairly common sense, and I think that's really important. It's not a set of complex behaviours or tools that anyone needs to learn, but it's about being able to take a step back, try and disentangle ourselves from the immediacy of our situation and approach things differently.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">There are some helpful handouts in the workbook to go through some situations in detail. As I said last week, I think the difficulty for me lies in isolating some of these things in the first place. But it's also not designed to be a quick fix, and most of the work will come after the course finishes.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">I feel like I've started to put some of this into practice, particularly around my weekly train travel, but I also know that last week I jumped straight to a set of stress-induced thoughts and behaviours in a different situation, so I've still got work to do.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">Session Five is looking at panic and improving sleep. I only really experience panic in very specific situations so hopefully that'll be some easily translated learning. I do a lot already to try and improve my sleep, so hopefully there'll be some things I can finesse there too.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">If you made it this far, thanks and I hope it was of some use.</span></span></div>
<i style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"><br /></i>
<i style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Diabetes UK are running a hugely important campaign about improving the provision of and access to a variety of emotional support services. People with diabetes are twice as likely to suffer from burnout or difficulties with their own mental health compared to those without the condition. Some estimates suggest that one in ten people with diabetes are clinically depressed. You can read more about the vital </i><a href="https://www.diabetes.org.uk/get_involved/campaigning/emotional-wellbeing" style="background-color: white; color: #7a7a7a; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; text-decoration: none;"><i>It's Missing</i></a><i style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"> campaign by following the link. My story is just my story. If you need to talk to someone about how diabetes is making you feel, you can ring the Diabetes UK Helpline on 0345 123 2399 or you can ring Samaritans 24 hours a day on 116 123</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-23110830244393053642019-09-18T00:21:00.003-07:002019-09-18T00:21:54.034-07:00The Mind<div dir="ltr">
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<i>If you want to catch up you can find the <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/08/i-be-fine.html" target="_blank">pre-session</a>, <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/one-two-three-four.html" target="_blank">week one</a> and <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/the-body.html" target="_blank">week two</a> posts in the links</i></div>
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No Peep Show quote this week, but hopefully you'll see how this one ties in as we go.</div>
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I'm writing this one on the train to London having popped a few pills to try and take the edge of the symptoms of a tension headache that somehow seems to have gotten worse overnight. The symptoms for me are what I imagine it feels like having a kitchen knife stuck in your temple, with the added discomfort of that sensation coming right down your neck too. Happy Wednesday!</div>
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Week three of StressControl is focused on the mind - specifically controlling your thoughts. They'd mentioned last week that this session was one that many people find helpful, and I think that was generally the case for me, though it left me with a few unanswered questions I probably need to focus on. Something I neglected to mention last week was the brief discussion of General Anxiety Disorder - a condition that causes people to feel anxious about a wide range of situations and issues rather than one specific thing. I bring this up now as it may also be relevant later...</div>
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Theory</h4>
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As ever, the afternoon was split into theory and practice, but with a greater focus on practice this week. We talked about about worry and rumination and that worry is a preoccupation with the future ("what if...?") and rumination is a preoccupation with the past ("if only..."). I think the former is more like me generally speaking, but I know I've over-analysed every word I've said to people in certain situations in the past so definitely a lot for me this week.</div>
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My main takeaway from the theory was that stress can affect how we think, which in turn can cause more stress or anxiety creating a fairly viscious circle. The flip side of this is that if you can identify some of those thoughts and control them, you can control or limit how stress impacts you. I think that's a fairly common theme (and where this week's image comes into play) - it's not about eliminating stress or anxiety, but being able to reduce, manage and mitiage some the impacts it has. Rather than dealing in the absolutes of being totally stressed or completely stress free, it's learning to find the comfortable zone in the middle of a fairly vast spectrum.</div>
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The other part of the theory that I really identified with was this idea of a grasshopper as an illustration of how thoughts can escalate quickly (i.e. grasshoppers jump quickly from place to place, and we can do that in our own minds too). An example is to consider someone who doesn't like public speaking. Being in that situation gives them some of the physical symptoms (see session two), but also means that this impacts their thoughts. Catching someone yawning while they're presenting could mean a thought pattern along the lines of:<br />
- that person's bored<br />
- everyone's bored<br />
- I'm boring<br />
- I'm no good at this<br />
- I'm useless</div>
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Of course there could be a dozen reasons why someone is yawning, such as being tired or too warm, but the mental impact of the stress is to jump to that final conclusion of being useless really<i> quickly. Side note - I was yawning while they talked through this bit because the room was really warm and I felt </i><i><b>very</b></i><i> self conscious about it.</i></div>
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I definitely related to that a lot - it felt very real for some situations I find (or put myself) in. I think what I still find amazing is that this genuinely isn't how everyone approaches things. I was talking to my wife about how this kind of stuff manifests itself when I travel for work (train is delayed, I'll miss my connection, I won't get a seat, I'll be late, I'll look disorganised and unprofessional, people will think I don't care) and she shrugged and said "I just think I'll get the next train and it'll be fine".</div>
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Practice</h4>
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So the practice was broken down into a three different aspects, but I'll focus on the first two here. The first was basically a mini mantra - Stand back, remove the blinkers, wait a minute. The premise is really to not immediately react and have your thoughts escalate, tell yourself to focus on the potential wider factors and take a moment before reacting. So in the above example, just beause someone is yawning doesn't mean you're useless, peeling back the blinkers means you give yourself time to see the wider possibilities like somone being tired or being in a warm room. This is 'laying the foundation' for some of the other tools.</div>
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Again, it's not about absolutes and removing the anxiety completely, but more focused on the idea of giving the conscious/rational voice the chance to dominate the stress voice in your head.</div>
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The other main tool we went through is called the Big 5 Challenges and is a set of questions or challenges to put to ourselves when we start to encounter stressful thoughts to try and give the conscious voice a chance to dominate the stress voice. </div>
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The Big 5 Challenges (with a short example) are:</div>
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- What's the worst thing...? <i>If this thing I'm worrying about does happen - what's the actual worst outcome I could encounter, and is this the same as I'm actually worrying about right now?</i><br />
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<i>- </i>What are the chances...?<i> I might be worrying about something happening, but how likely is it? Have I been in this situation before and my worry has been for nothing</i><br />
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<i>- </i>What is this worth....?<i> Am I spending time worrying about something that is fairly trivial? Is life too short to be giving up time to this situation?</i><br />
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<i>- </i>Weighing the evidence (The Court Case)<i> I might be worrying about something, but am I missing some evidence? I'm worried I look silly but everyone's just getting on with things around me so maybe I'm wrong</i><br />
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<i>- </i>The five year rule<i> If I look back on this moment in five years (or five months or five weeks) will it really matter? Am I putting too much emphasis on this now when it doesn't matter?</i></div>
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It's not about using all of these for every situation, but about understanding that one or more of them will be appropriate for a particular situation. This is definitely helpful for me, and looking at them, I know I've done a couple of these more recently, so it's good to know I'm on the right track.</div>
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What's clear is that all of this takes time and it's definitely a longer journey to carry on after the course finishes. I think that'll be the challenge, because with diabetes it's always a physical thing to understand and treat, whereas with stress, worry and anxiety it's sometimes harder to pin down.</div>
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So let's try and tie this together with a rough kind of bow on top. I talked about unanswered questions at the start, alongside the familiar sharp pain of a tension headache, and I think this is where the difficulty lies. I understand that the headache is a physical symptom of something and so I can use some of the breathing/relaxation techniques (alongside codeine and paracetamol), but I'm not really sure what's driving that physical symptom - I can't pinpoint a specific thought or feeling that's making me feel particularly anxious, yet here we are. I'm definitely not diagnosing myself with General Anxiety Disorder, but I think the hard work is going to be in trying to isolate some of these things that might be in my subconscious.</div>
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Next week is about controlling our actions. It's been a long post this week, so give yourself a pat on the back if you made it this far - we should all be doing that for ourselves more often.</div>
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<i style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Diabetes UK are running a hugely important campaign about improving the provision of and access to a variety of emotional support services. People with diabetes are twice as likely to suffer from burnout or difficulties with their own mental health compared to those without the condition. Some estimates suggest that one in ten people with diabetes are clinically depressed. You can read more about the vital </i><a href="https://www.diabetes.org.uk/get_involved/campaigning/emotional-wellbeing" style="background-color: white; color: #7a7a7a; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; text-decoration-line: none;"><i>It's Missing</i></a><i style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"> campaign by following the link. My story is just my story. If you need to talk to someone about how diabetes is making you feel, you can ring the Diabetes UK Helpline on 0345 123 2399 or you can ring Samaritans 24 hours a day on 116 123</i></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-76967955580209262802019-09-10T08:00:00.002-07:002019-09-10T08:00:26.030-07:00The Body<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>If you're behind, you can read <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/08/i-be-fine.html" target="_blank">part 1</a> and <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/09/one-two-three-four.html" target="_blank">part 2</a> via the links</i><br />
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I've already slipped into a routine of sorts and this is only my second of six visits into Sheffield for StressControl. There were fewer of us this week (15 down from 20). Not sure if the rain had put a few people off, or a few had decided after week 1 that it wasn't for them. One person left after about 10 minutes so I guess we're a smaller group now. Part of me is desperate to know how standard that is, but the majority of me is focusing on the course.<br />
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So this week was about controlling your body. Next week is about controlling your feelings, followed by controlling your actions in week four. These are basically the main principles of the Mind, Body, Life model that we keep referring back to.<br />
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Theory</h4>
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The theory half of the session talked a lot about Fight, Flight and Freeze and how we have muscular symptoms of stress/anxiety (such as muscle aches, headaches and shaking) and autonomic symptoms (such as palpitations, sweating and feeling sick).<br />
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We also talked about some of the symptoms of depression, which didn't particularly make for brilliant reading when I'd mentally ticked off 11 of the 17... It was compounded by the fact that the chairs at our meeting place are particularly uncomfortable and so I felt a bit trapped in this cycle of fidgeting and aching whilst reading about the fact that agitation and aches/pains are things to watch for. The premise of the whole thing was that if you're more conscious of the symptoms, you can apply some of the techniques to try and mitigate some of the effects.<br />
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I'll be honest in that I felt like I knew most of the theory already, and some of the exercise from the first week's 'homework' had meant I'd been more explicit with myself about how some of those things were affecting me. I'm focusing on the positives from each session and so I guess it was good I'm pretty conscious about the effects of anxiety.<br />
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Practice</h4>
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After a quick coffee break, we briefly covered exercise and caffeine. I'd spotted last week that the good name of coffee may be slightly besmirched and that was kind of the case. Basically, lots of caffeine can mimic some anxiety symptoms and doesn't help. Conversely, being more active can have a positive impact on mood and anxiety.<br />
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I gave up caffeine entirely about 10 years ago, but as I've had earlier mornings when travelling for work, some has reasonably crept back in over the last few years. I still mostly drink decaff and I've resolved to only have proper coffee when I'm up before 6am. I'm also trying to get back into some form of exercise, having basically become a potato since London Marathon in April. It's one of my short term goals through the course to do 3x20 mins a week at a minimum, and not beat myself up if that's all I manage.<br />
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After that we covered some breathing and muscle relaxation exercises. It can make you feel pretty vulnerable to be doing this in a room with 15 or so strangers, but I committed to it and even after about 90 seconds I could feel something different. There are audio tracks we can download to aid us, but I'm been using similar things on my phone on and off, so I've resolved to persevere with those for now.<br />
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What's next</h4>
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There weren't a lot of brand new takeaway bits for me this week, but I think that's OK. Sometimes the time to just focus on some things you already knew can be equally as valuable. I was surprised at how relaxed I actually felt for just a couple of minutes of breathing/muscle relaxation exercises so I'm definitely committing to more of that over this week. And I'm on track with my exercise target as well.</div>
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Next week is around thoughts, and the sense I get is that it's one of the most valuable weeks of the course. I'll report back. Thanks for reading.</div>
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<div>
<i style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Diabetes UK are running a hugely important campaign about improving the provision of and access to a variety of emotional support services. People with diabetes are twice as likely to suffer from burnout or difficulties with their own mental health compared to those without the condition. Some estimates suggest that one in ten people with diabetes are clinically depressed. You can read more about the vital </i><a href="https://www.diabetes.org.uk/get_involved/campaigning/emotional-wellbeing" style="background-color: white; color: #7a7a7a; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; text-decoration: none;"><i>It's Missing</i></a><i style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"> campaign by following the link. My story is just my story. If you need to talk to someone about how diabetes is making you feel, you can ring the Diabetes UK Helpline on 0345 123 2399 or you can ring Samaritans 24 hours a day on 116 123</i></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-13805906418090639092019-09-03T05:12:00.006-07:002019-09-10T07:01:17.986-07:00One Two Three Four<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm not sure how long I can keep illustrating these with Peep Show images, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it eh? If you missed the first part of this mini-series (of sorts) then feel free to <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2019/08/i-be-fine.html" target="_blank">catch up</a></div>
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So yesterday was week one of six on the StressControl course (it's written like that on purpose - it's a course used worldwide so it's more of a trademark than anything else). If everyone's stress and anxiety manifested itself in the same way as mine, and they'd all have gotten there 20 minutes early and we'd have been done and dusted in plenty of time. But as they quite reasonably pointed out, we're all people and we're all different. And so a few people turned up 20 minutes late.<br />
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I wasn't sure what to expect, so gave myself a small tick for having confidently walked in the door.</div>
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There should have been 35 people booked on this six week course. Twenty people turned up, and four of those were people who'd come along to provide moral support to someone attending the course. I wasn't the youngest person there, but even at 38 I was one of the younger few which surprised me a little. It was reassuring that I wasn't the only one who needs this kind of support, and important (like it is for diabetes) to remember that my perspective isn't the only perspective. I think in this world of politics, health and everything else, we forget the huge spectrum of grey that sits between black and white. That being said, there was some encouragement to be a little selfish (or to use their wording, 'think more about what's important to you and how you feel').</div>
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The sessions are very classroom oriented - two facilitators each stood delivering half the content each from the front, with nobody else saying anything (apart from in the brief coffee break). I'd expected that - it had been made clear when signing up (and reiterated at the start) that this wasn't any kind of group intervention and nobody would be sharing personal experiences. It was still odd to sit in silence and just listen and temper that desire to fidget, write or check my phone (all general signs of some anxiety if you're interested).</div>
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The sessions themselves are broadly broken into two sections - Information and Coping Skills. Session was is a little different as it has a lot more of the introductory elements, but I'm expecting from next week we'll have around 40 minutes 'theory' time for a cuppa and then 40 minutes learning different practical skills or techniques.</div>
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There's 'homework' though it's all optional and is referred to as 'things to look at in between sessions'. I've not got into it yet, but from just listening (and having a quick skim through the handbook) it was reassuring to know I have a couple of the techniques in the bank already. A word on the handbook... it's about 170 bound A4 pages so it's very hefty.<br />
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It's supposed to be your go-to set of info both during and after the course and it was refreshing to see that whilst the info covered on the slides is replicated to some extent, there's more context and space for you to think about your own circumstances in there too. <br />
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There were two main messages that were reiterated a few times. One is that the course is really about providing you the tools to 'be your own therapist'. I completely get the idea and in principle I think it should work well. Having Type 1 is really about being your own doctor (to some extent) and so in the same way that DAFNE provided skills for that, I'm hoping IAPT will provide skills for this. My only reservation is about how easy it'll be to manage myself out of these sorts of situations. But I'm not prejudging it and we'll see how we go.<br />
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The other message was 'StressControl in nine words'. If we remember nothing else, it should be this - which is great except I keep forgetting the middle three:<br />
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Face your fears - <i>this isn't about holding spiders on your hand or going bungee jumping - it's more about acknowledging the things that can cause you stress or anxiety and being able to face up to them and use the coping skills to overcome them</i><br />
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Be more active - <i>does what it says on the tin really, and acknowledges that stress and anxiety can cause you to withdraw from being active, which has a compounding effect as being active can help reduce feelings of stress </i><br />
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Boost your wellbeing - <i>understand the whole picture about yourself, thinking about how your body, thoughts, actions and sleep all interlink to impact your wellbeing</i><br />
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So I think that about sums up the first session. The title of this post refers to the first <i>four</i> steps (of 10) that we covered in some manner yesterday, There's a lot of additional thinking and reading to do to be fully up to speed. I might do a shorter post in the interim that sets out how some of that looks for me (time allowing) and report back on session two next week.<br />
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<br />
<i style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;">Diabetes UK are running a hugely important campaign about improving the provision of and access to a variety of emotional support services. People with diabetes are twice as likely to suffer from burnout or difficulties with their own mental health compared to those without the condition. Some estimates suggest that one in ten people with diabetes are clinically depressed. You can read more about the vital </i><a href="https://www.diabetes.org.uk/get_involved/campaigning/emotional-wellbeing" style="background-color: white; color: #7a7a7a; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px; text-decoration: none;"><i>It's Missing</i></a><i style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13.2px;"> campaign by following the link. My story is just my story. If you need to talk to someone about how diabetes is making you feel, you can ring the Diabetes UK Helpline on 0345 123 2399 or you can ring Samaritans 24 hours a day on 116 123</i></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-23560417732546500202019-08-27T01:11:00.001-07:002019-09-03T03:11:03.232-07:00I'll be fine<div dir="ltr">
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It's been a while since I've done one of these, so it's a little hard to remember how to start. I guess, as with most things, it begins in a diabetes clinic. Back at the start of the year I'd been for another check-up/annual review/pump clinic appointment and got asked if I wanted to complete a <a href="https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mood-self-assessment/">mental health and wellbeing questionnaire</a> while I waited.<br />
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I dutifully ticked the boxes, added up my score and went in for my appointment. "Hmmm..." said the doc "are you OK?". Same as always as far as I was concerned - I'd always find something to worry about, but that's just a background feeling I've always had. "Yes, but wouldn't it be good to feel a little less worried or stressed about things?" the doctor persisted. I shrugged - "I guess. But I'm just always like this so.... it's probably OK?" She handed me an IAPT leaflet and told me I should ring just to see what they thought.</div>
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The leaflet sat on the kitchen table for a few weeks before I finally tidied it up into the recycling. Six months went by and I was in for another clinic appointment. I got given the questionnaire, ticked the boxes and pre-emptively picked up another IAPT leaflet from the waiting area. My scores had improved a little (hell yeah!) but my doctor was still a bit concerned because apparently my scores from January "showed borderline clinical depression". Give over.</div>
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I promised I was going to do something this time and carefully put the leaflet next to my laptop to probably not recycle this time.</div>
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It took me a couple of weeks to ring up. I still wasn't convinced it'd do anything for me, but I know enough to know that stress, worry and anxiety can, at least in part, be learned behaviour and so this definitely isn't just about me. I definitely don't want Violet to learn this stuff off me. So I made the call.</div>
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Obviously it wasn't as bad as it could've been (socre one for anxiety there), but it took a bit of peristence. Having diabetes means the default option is that it makes you anxious, stressed and worried a lot (no shit sherlock), but I've got news for you - I've ALWAYS been like that so I don't think it's that easy. I talked to the assessor on the phone about how I usually just have this background level of whatever it is - stress and anxiety I guess. Having diabetes just makes that worse sometimes. I don't think the anxiety is always caused by diabetes. </div>
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While I was on holiday recently, it was insanely hot and I had full paranoia that my pump cannual was going to come off, so I probably spent every 5-10 minutes (sub)consciously touching that part of my stomach making sure it hadn't fallen out. Stuff like that is definitely caused by diabetes. This morning there were delayed engineering works on part of my line, so I drove to the next station on got there 45 minutes early. 'Just in case' I told myself. In case of what, I'm not sure, but I felt better for being there early.</div>
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So... after about 40 minutes on the phone we agreed I should try something called "<a href="http://iaptsheffield.shsc.nhs.uk/stress-control-for-health-conditions/">Stress Control For Long Term Conditions</a>". It's classroom-style learning with a maximum of 120 people per session (though I reckon it'll be closer to 80). It starts on Monday 2nd September.</div>
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I've got no idea what to expect, other than a course workbook and the knowledge that I can be anonymous if I want. It's about learning, not group therapy or talking exercises. Obviously I'm a little nervous (score two...) but perhaps the doc is right - it <i>would</i> be good to feel a little less nervous, stressed or anxious every now and again.</div>
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I'll come back next week and talk about how the first session was. My sense is it'll be beneficial in some way. I resisted DAFNE for years and that was transformative for me. I'm not sure 90 mins a week for six weeks will feel as immediately different but I'm hopeful. </div>
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<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i>Diabetes UK are running a hugely important campaign about improving the provision of and access to a variety of emotional support services. People with diabetes are twice as likely to suffer from burnout or difficulties with their own mental health compared to those without the condition. Some estimates suggest that one in ten people with diabetes are clinically depressed. You can read more about the vital </i><a href="https://www.diabetes.org.uk/get_involved/campaigning/emotional-wellbeing"><i>It's Missing</i></a><i> campaign by following the link. My story is just my story. If you need to talk to someone you can ring the Diabetes UK Helpline on 0345 123 2399 or ring Samaritans on 116 123</i></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-33339044860708004592019-04-24T12:22:00.005-07:002019-04-24T12:22:57.169-07:00Ten Eight Fifty<div dir="ltr">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Only 26.2 miles to go!" - so says the banner as you leave the London Marathon Running Show at ExCeL in London. Only.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Most of my blog posts end up forcing some slightly tortured metaphor into a comment on living with diabetes, but not today. Diabetes is shit, hard work and makes nearly everything more complicated that it could possibly need to be. There endeth that lesson for today.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The beginning</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Training for the marathon has been a rollercoaster and then some. Having put aside the shock of actually getting through the ballot in the first place, I vaguely rediscovered my love of running, only to end up with pain in my knee that slowed me down quite a lot. Having managed that, I found some of my old rhythm, but pulled a calf muscle at the start of what ended up being a 10 mile run and took most of December off.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's fair to say training was as up and down as most of the routes you can find to run around Sheffield.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">January came and brought with it new trainers that immediately fixed the burning pain in my shins, and then training got pretty serious. I had a plan (of sorts) though I daren't write in down for fear of jinxing myself further. I'd not opened the London Marathon magazine I got in October because it felt too scary to properly face up to it. Instead I stuck to three runs each week, trying to find routes around London (and Taunton and Liverpool) while I was away with work and sticking to a long run on my old routes while I was at home.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The middle</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think the sweet spot will always be training up to about 16 miles. It's over half-marathon distance, but it's not so ridiculously far that you dread lacing your shoes up to train. Once I got to 18, 20 and 22 miles, I'd pretty much fallen out of love with it, and that sense of self-righteousness/smugness that came from doing 12, 14 or 16 miles was replaced with a mix of loathing and nausea.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But something unexpected had happened... I'd somehow managed to do those long distances, up hills and through the countryside at a pace faster than my best time over a marathon course. By blind luck, will power and some sense of training, I'd actually done something pretty positive. Doing it, and doing it well seemed like a real possibility!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But nothing is really that straightforward and it all fell on it's arse pretty soon after that. The start of my first full week of tapering began with a pleasant 8 mile stretch along the Norfolk coastline. I'd picked up my fifth and sixth blister by this point so was managing pain and discomfort in a variety of ways already. A couple of days later I went out to repeat the same route - after all it's rare you get to run by the beach in Sheffield. And then something went. Not with a bang or crash, but with a twinge and a "ah bastard" muttered under my breath.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I walked/limped the last three miles home, convinced that I'd blown it, that six months of training, pain and sacrifice had been washed away like the tide on the beach. The last three weeks have been filled with ibuprofen, Deep Heat, massage, phyio and acupuncture - anything to get me ready. What's been missing is running, and with that comes doubt.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The end</span></b></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The marathon is three days away and the build up to race day is like the build up to your exams at school. "Have I done enough?", "What if I just tried a bit more?", "I don't think I'm ready" - all that stuff floods your mind and really it becomes a battle of your own mental state, not your physical one. I've been preparing myself for the worst because I'm a glass-half-empty person a lot of the time. It's easier to imagine the bad stuff than the good stuff. It's easier to think that my leg will give way inside the first mile, rather than think that if I get to Tower Bridge and the halfway point, I've done the worst of it and it's running home from there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The physio has narrowed my pain down to tight hamstring in my right leg, but is supremely confident that if I'm sensible and leave Mo Farah to run his own race, I'll get round mine. And she's right. Of course she is. No it won't be pain free, but it wasn't going to be anyway. It'll hurt, but I can make it from start to finish.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is me</span></h3>
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<h3>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">What's been hardest to stomach is that fact that I'd put myself into an improbable position that at a month before my 38th birthday I could have run a personal best for a distance I'd not seriously considered until six months ago, didn't really start training for until four months ago, and that I last did 5 years ago. That's gone now - I know that - but as we're all our own worst critics, I can't stop beating myself up for it, even though it's completely out of my control.</span></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Too many people have put their faith in me for me to not make it round. Too many people have donated their money to a cause and a charity I care so desperately about for me not to finish. Too many of my colleagues will be around the course on the day to cheer me, the other 145 Diabetes UK runners, and the other 40,000 people for me to fail. I might fall a little short of my own standards or expectations, but theirs are the ones that count the most.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Only 26.2 miles to go...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I'm raising money for Diabetes UK because I've lived with Type 1 diabetes for something like 17 years and it's crap. I manage it pretty well, but it's devastating condition that can lead to sight lost, lower limb amputation and a whole host of other dreadful things that nobody should have to live with. If you'd like to donate to them, you can do so via my </i><i><a href="http://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/andyslasthurrah">fundraising page</a></i><i>, and please believe me that every pound makes a massive difference. While I work for Diabetes UK, I have no control over how your donation is spent.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>If you want to follow my progress on the day, you can download the London Marathon app and track me using bib number 10850, or look out for updates before, during and after on my </i><a href="http://www.twitter.com/broomowl"><i>Twitter</i></a></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-34064917218999868922019-03-25T12:44:00.001-07:002019-03-25T12:44:17.491-07:00Back againI've dusted off my password and come back to write something.<br />
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If you've been keeping up-to-date with any of my social media, you'll know I'm running the London Marathon in just under five weeks. Whilst this post is loosely based around that, it's also some thoughts on change.<br />
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I was in a similar position <a href="https://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2012/03/pain-management.html" target="_blank">seven years ago</a> as I prepared to line up for my first ever marathon. Back then it was all unknown territory for me - how do you run 18, 20 or 26 miles? How do you do it whilst managing a health condition like Type 1 diabetes? How do you keep going when it's easier to give up?<br />
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Thankfully I managed to <a href="http://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2012/04/53041.html" target="_blank">find answers to all those questions</a>, and now I find myself reflecting on what's changed, and what's stayed the same since 2012.<br />
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Well, I'm still not built for running so I'm fairly sure my training schedule isn't keeping Eliud Kipchoge or Mo Farah awake at night. And of course I still have diabetes to contend with, which is very much the added X-factor when it comes to long distance running (for me at least).<br />
<h3>
<br />What's changed?</h3>
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Of course lots of things have changed too. For my first marathon, insulin pens were my treatment regime and so reduced basal injections the night before and the morning of the run were vital for keeping my bloods under control. Looking back now, it seems pretty crude, but it definitely did the job. By 2014, for my second marathon, I'd switched to a pump and the added level of finesse to tweaking basal rates was hugely helpful.<br />
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Technology has come a long way since then, and so this year I'll line up with a flash glucose monitor sending my blood sugar readings to my watch every five minutes (assuming it holds up under a sea of Bluetooth interference). That should help even more as I should be able to ward off any signs of low blood sugar a long time in advance.<br />
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<h3>
'Score one for older and wiser...'</h3>
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I've also not managed to defy the aging process and so I'll head off a month shy of my 38th birthday and feeling every single day that I've aged since last time. It's clearly affected my memory as well, because I'd forgotten how unrelenting the training is to be able to run/walk/shobble/stagger over 26 miles. That said, the wonder that is Facebook's "on this day" feature told me my recent 20 mile run was 30 mins faster than my first attempt over that difference way back in 2012. Score one for 'older and wiser' there I think...<br />
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I've changed jobs since my last effort too, and so there's an added layer of tiredness to factor in beyond a) the actual training and b) being nearly 40. I'm usually travelling around the country once or twice a week, so earlier starts and fitting runs in early before work, or after a long day have become the new norm - but a manageable norm.<br />
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<h3>
'How do you keep going when it's easier to give up?'</h3>
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For me, the big question was the last one I posed at the start... "How do you keep going when it's easier to give up?". Of course, that's really a life question, not just a running one, though it definitely applies when you're feeling sick after 18 miles.<br />
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It's invariably a diabetes question too, and I guess the answer is really the same for everything - "I don't really have a choice". It's not a cure for Type 1 I'm desperately after, it's a day off. It is <b>utterly</b> relentless and at times it's all consuming. The advent of technology I celebrated a few paragraphs ago also brings with it some tougher aspects. If it's hard to switch off from a chronic condition when you're connected to an insulin pump, it's basically impossible if everytime you unlock your phone, there's a blood glucose reading staring you in the face.<br />
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Sometimes it's OK. Sometimes it's mocking you for a bad decision you made a few hours earlier. But it's always there. I've long thought that diabetes has me so tight in it's Stockholm Syndrome-like grip that I'd be lost without it in my life. But when that's all said and done I'd take a 24 hour respite in an instant.<br />
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So... how do you keep going when it's easier to give up? I guess the answer is 'by any means necessary'. On marathon day, it'll be the promise of a medal (and my first bit of proper junk food in months). With diabetes I fundamentally don't have a choice and it's remembering that I'm doing the best with the tools, knowledge and wisdom that I've got.<br />
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Anyone can have a bad day, and we'll always be our own worst critic, seeing ourselves in a crueller light than anyone else ever would. I'm not going to compare my finish time to anyone else's, and I won't do the same with my health.<br />
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<i>I'm running the London Marathon on Sunday April 28th for <a href="http://www.diabetes.org.uk/" target="_blank">Diabetes UK</a> - a charity very close to my heart for a lot of reasons. If you'd like to support them by sponsoring me, you can visit my <a href="http://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/andyslasthurrah" target="_blank">JustGiving page</a> to donate, and to get regular updates on my training as the day approaches. Despite working for Diabetes UK, I have no say over how your donation is spent.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-47669504181744651142017-11-13T11:11:00.001-08:002017-11-13T11:11:01.910-08:00Diabetes Is...<i>November 14th is World Diabetes Day. I'd been thinking about <a href="http://wewerepromisedhoverboards.blogspot.com/2016/03/i-wish.html" target="_blank">this post from March 2016</a> a bit recently and wanted to offer a different perspective when talking about the hard facts of living with a chronic condition. I've lived with Type 1 diabetes for a little of 15 years and every day throws up new challenges and new things to learn.</i><br />
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Diabetes is sitting in your kitchen alone at 2am, eating because you've woken up shaking as your body alerts you to <i>another</i> episode of hypoglycaemia (low blood glucose). <br />
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Diabetes is lonely.<br />
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Diabetes is feeling like every snack and every meal is a challenge to be overcome. Counting carb values, measuring blood glucose, calculating insulin doses and sometimes just hoping for the best.<br />
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Diabetes is relentless.<br />
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Diabetes is sticking yourself with a needle about 50 times a week, whether it's finger-prick tests for glucose levels, or a cannula in your stomach to deliver insulin.<br />
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Diabetes is invasive.<br />
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Diabetes is desperately searching for a shop that sells batteries, because your insulin pump is almost our of power and without it you'll almost certainly be hospitalised inside 12 hours.<br />
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Diabetes is frantic.<br />
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Diabetes is trips to your GP, to eye screening appointments, to hospital clinics, and to pharmacies.<br />
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Diabetes is clinical.<br />
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Diabetes is that unquenchable thirst, stiff joints, that shattered feeling and the blurred vision that can only mean your blood glucose is way too high.<br />
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Diabetes is tiring.<br />
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Diabetes is doing the same thing two days in a row and getting hugely different results for reasons you can't possibly figure out.<br />
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Diabetes is frustrating.<br />
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Diabetes is being reminded of your own mortality whenever you go for a check up. Your eyesight, kidneys function, feet, and overall sensation are all things you fight to protect and preserve on a daily basis.<br />
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Diabetes is serious.<br />
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Diabetes is being stereotyped by media more concerned with headlines and sensationalism that science and fact. It's being the punchline to jokes that simply aren't funny.<br />
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Diabetes is misunderstood.<br />
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Diabetes is planning and packing a bag full of supplies (and spares) for even one night away from home, let alone a proper holiday.<br />
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Diabetes is not for the spontaneous.<br />
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Diabetes is being susceptible to your environment - knowing that the temperature, time of day, or your level of exertion (to name just three) can affect your blood glucose.<br />
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Diabetes is all encompassing.<br />
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Diabetes is treating yourself to a takeaway on a Friday night and hoping you get your insulin dose correct otherwise you'll be paying for it in the middle of the night.<br />
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Diabetes is hard.<br />
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Diabetes is a huge strain on your mental well-being - and with all these things to contend with every minute of every day, it's hardly a surprise.<br />
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Diabetes is exhausting.<br />
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Diabetes is having friends to rely on who help you through the tough days, and celebrate the successes with you.<br />
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Diabetes is a community.<br />
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Diabetes is celebrating small wins - like waking up with a 'normal' blood glucose reading which never seems to happen as often as it should.<br />
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Diabetes is a success (sometimes!)<br />
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Diabetes is an individual condition and doesn't affect everyone in exactly the same way. What works for some doesn't work for others.<br />
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Diabetes is like this (for me).<br />
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<i>This isn't to suggest that it's doom and gloom the <b>entire </b>time because it really isn't. I can eat what I want, do what I want and manage to look after myself pretty well. But diabetes is very much an "invisible illness" that needs 24/7 management and that's a huge amount of self-care for anyone to take on. It might look easy but it takes a lot of hard work to make it appear that way.</i><br />
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<i>If you've got this far, thanks for reading. Happy World Diabetes Day!</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7819677459361413419.post-17877431684715370552017-11-01T09:52:00.000-07:002017-11-01T09:52:30.371-07:00A smashed glassHave you ever smashed a glass whilst putting the dishes away? I expect you reacted in the same way I did - a modicum of cursing under your breath, thinking you could've had a tighter grip on it, and that you'd watched the whole thing play out in slow motion from the moment it slipped out of your hand.<br />
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Now have you done that same thing at a friend's house? Whilst you probably reacted in the same way - the social embarrassment making it worse if anything - think about how your friend reacted. Hopefully with some sense of concern ("are you OK?"), context ("it's only a glass") and compassion ("don't worry, it's not a big deal - I did the same last month").<br />
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So what does that mean?</h3>
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The last blood glucose reading I was unhappy with was about four hours ago. I was frustrated and angry with myself. I'd started the day in double digits for the first time in over two weeks and I'd had to guess at carbs because I'd not brought weighing scales on holiday with me. Much like the glass slipping out of my hand, I watched this unfold in slow motion.<br />
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The combination of waking up around 12mmol, simply putting my feet on the floor, and eating cereal where I was, at best making an educated guess about the carb content set off an all too familiar chain reaction. Nothing overly catastrophic happened (I stayed in the 11-13 range for about 4 hours) but in the context of the previous fortnight of near-perfect levels, it felt rough.<br />
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I played it over in my mind, trying to work out what I should have done differently ("should" not "could" feels like a subtle but important semantic argument I think many of us are familiar with).<br />
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I <i>should</i> have waited until I'd dropped into single figures before breakfast because I know eating when I'm in double digits only perpetuates the problem.<br />
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I <i>should</i> hhatave been a bit more generous in my carb counting estimate because I know I have to force my levels down when I'm high first thing. The chances of a hypo were remote.<br />
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But I didn't do any of that. And so I silently berated and chastised myself all morning. I kept checking my levels for any sign of a change in fortunes and had that feeling of being withdrawn from things more than usual.<br />
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<br />And when the shoe's on the other foot?</h3>
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Now I think about the last time I talked to a friend who had a similar experience with high blood glucose. I didn't berate them, I didn't tell them to skip a meal and I didn't make them run through a mental list of things they should've done.<br />
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I was empathetic. I know how crap it feels when you're struggling with this kind of thing. I know how it feels trying to manage 'difficult' food and come out relatively unscathed a few hours after your meal. I know how tough and unrelenting managing diabetes is. I told them how I hoped they were feeling better soon, that I know how hard it can be and that however confident you feel, sometimes food will kick you when you least expect it.<br />
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<br />What does this all mean?</h3>
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So back to the glass and it's place as a metaphor for diabetes management (however clumsy it may be...).<br />
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It's easy to be overly critical, set higher standards and demand more from ourselves than we'd reasonably expect from others. Whether that's related to doing the dishes, our working lives, or managing a chronic condition. If we find it so easy to show empathy and be compassionate to others when they're having the kind of bad day we're all so familiar with, why is that self-compassion so hard?<br />
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Things are hard sometimes, and if we can acknowledge that for others, we should be able to do that for ourselves. That self reflection is harder, and I think that's because we believe that knowing all the factors in play means we should have total control over them all the time.<br />
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That's all certainly true for me. That's not to say it's easy to flick that switch and be fair and compassionate towards myself. If it was something I could consciously turn on, I'd have done it ages ago. That self-reflection takes time and practice but does make a difference. Being objective and rational when looking at our own actions definitely isn't easy - our emotions always run high and make it harder, but the more we try, the easier I think we find it to get through our tougher days.<br />
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<i>This was inspired by a short post I read on the idea of <a href="https://www.diabetesdaily.com/blog/2014/04/7-steps-to-self-compassion-in-life-with-diabetes/" target="_blank">diabetes and self-compassion</a> by Leann Harris which you can read on Diabetes Daily if you follow the link. I'm also thankful to my colleague <a href="https://twitter.com/odettethakrar" target="_blank">Odette</a> for encouraging me to write again after about six months out of the game.</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0