I'd walk Violet round to school, jump in the car and head out for a coffee with my wife before logging on a little later than usual. Hectic diaries meant that Friday mornings were usually the only chance we both had an hour or so of free time so we'd make the most of it. I used to have very few meetings so could catch up on all my work and head into the weekend relatively relaxed and caught up.
Now every day has a pretty consistent feel about it, with the remnants of my old regular meetings being the only reminder about the old 'structure' that life used to have.
Instead of looking forward to Fridays, I honestly feel like I'm just trying to survive them. The last couple of weeks it's felt like I've shut my laptop down at 5pm (if I'm lucky) and I'm broken.
My job means I need to be there for a pretty large group of people who are all going through the same things, but with different perspectives, challenges and fears. Actually it's not that I need to be there, I want to be. My team do a hell of a lot and I think feels as familial as it could be for 30 people spread right across the UK, and I want to support all those people who are absolutely my work family.
What I'm struggling with is the ability to follow the advice I give everyone else - certainly not to the same extent.
My wife asked me why, given I'm pretty well-practiced at worrying whether or not the sun will come up tomorrow, am I being pretty laid back about this whole end-of-the-world-global-pandemic situation?
Stress Control and CBT definitely helped to some degree. I can only control the things I can control. I need to find the thing(s) that drive that worry and be objective about them. I need to rationally see what's going on around me rather than live life through some anxiety-fuelled lens of madness (this one is still hard sometimes).
But that's not always how I feel. Friday afternoon usually has me at that point where my chest aches... not physically, but that feeling you* get when you feel like you've been tense for a week and have only just realised it.
*I say 'you' - could just be me...
I know it's not possible to stick to the same routine I had 8 weeks ago, and I've started making changes. A 10 minute walk around the block when I can manage it is a big part of the day, as is sticking on some calming music or a 10 minute meditation on my phone. It's hard to explain the difference some deep breathing can actually make.
What I need to get better at is remembering this is a long haul. Cramming my diary with meeting after meeting might give the illusion of productivity or accomplishment, but I don't think the cost is always worth the payoff. I'm getting better at skipping out on those things I think don't need me and gradually getting better at making time for myself - even just to get up from my desk and sit on the sofa in my favourite corner for a few minutes.
So I need to practice more of what I preach. Always easier to be objective for other people and I need to give more of that to myself.
If you got this far - thanks. Hope you're managing well too.
Stay safe x
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