I think it's fair to say my general wellbeing has deteriorated over the last couple of weeks - I'd forgotten how easy it is to let everything get out of control if you don't keep at least one eye on it. At times like these it feels much harder to be conscious of it because it isn't one single thing - it's everything that you need to be mindful of. As my friend Taylor would say, it's kinda like death by a thousand cuts.
So work has definitely felt tough - we've got a big opportunity to make significant change right now in the wake of coronavirus and that's genuinely exciting. It's also genuinely exhausting and the lack of variety that a constant stream of teleconferences presents is really challenging.
I also find it hard to learn from my past experiences... just because 18 meetings in two days is possible on paper, doesn't mean it's a good idea. One of my learnings for all of life is to feel OK saying 'no' to people. It's definitely hard when you need to do things at pace, but I know I can't work at that level relentlessly so something will have to change.
Whilst diabetes and me haven't ever been best friends, the last couple of weeks have tested our relationship a little more than usual. You'd think being at home would allow you to control for all those external factors like early starts and dashing for trains, but my levels have been on as much of a roller coaster as my mental health, and of course there's an intrinsic link between the two.
Being cooped up has definitely reached that point where I've felt a bit cabin feverish. This is the bit I'm maybe most frustrated about because it felt inevitable that this would take it's toll and I feel like I've idly watched it creep up and then run right past me and now I'm playing catch up.
I'm sure I'm not alone in realising how much difference my weekly routine makes to my general positivity. Catching up with friends at Hillsborough, bacon butty from the cafe once a week, seeing people at ballet while Violet dances.... even the freedom that walking round ASDA gave me feels hugely important right now and I'm starting to miss it a lot.
I've been out every day and that's definitely a highlight and I'll keep doing it even in the pouring rain. I've got back into cooking and baking with Violet in a fairly big way (despite feeling a little ashamed that it's taken a Hello Fresh delivery to remind me how much I love cooking). I've also found a new family friendly middle class hobby in rock painting. I'm definitely not the most creative or artistic person on the planet (or in my family...) but it's calming so I'll persist with it. The meditation and breathing exercises I've got make a big difference too. If you're after an introduction to those, Headspace are offering some free resources at the moment.
Keeping up with this blog and writing stuff down for myself is helping too. I think it's about working out what sensible support mechanisms I can put in place for myself and my own sanity while this is all going on. And remembering that I find some bits harder than others. I still haven't found a way to talk kindly to myself, even after StressControl and CBT. I'm better at calming myself sometimes, but this is the hardest part for me by some stretch so it just means I'll have to keep working at it and celebrate the small victories.
If you made it this far I hope you're staying safe and staying well. The pic above is definitely tongue in cheek, but remember it's a marathon, not a sprint.
Take care x
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