Week Thirteen - Perception

Another week, another post where the blank page has been open for 24 hours and half an idea is floating around in my head as I try to pin it down.

I think it vaguely ties in with what I said a couple of weeks ago about how it's sometimes hard to judge where you are in a relationship (short-hand for an interaction with someone else - not exclusively 'romantic') and how it can impact on self-esteem despite best efforts.

As most things often do, it starts with music.  Music is brilliant obviously - having that ability to conjure up a person, place or moment in time based on a few notes played in a certain order is something special.  Part of the problem of course is that it works both ways - for every moment you want to remember, there's usually something you're trying to forget (and obviously they're always the songs that stick in your head).  To steal from Jay-Z's Blueprint² album title - it's a gift and a curse.

This starts with a track from The Streets' 2008 album 'Everything Is Borrowed' - namely "I Love You More (Than You Like Me)"

'Perfect Sound Whatever' by James Acaster is a great read about music and mental health

Of course the thing with music that makes it so brilliant is that the interpretation becomes personal to us.  I can't ever understand what prompted Mike Skinner to write that song but I know that those 10 words - I think I love you more than you like me - have almost become a kind of shorthand for my perception of many of my relationships.

That's not to say it's actually true by any means of course, but that perception is sometimes difficult to disentangle yourself from.  I'd been trying to think about why that is and I think it's down to certainty - or more specifically, a lack of it.

Most of the time I'm fairly clear about what I'm thinking, even if actually articulating it is somewhat difficult (*cough* case in point *cough*) but knowing what someone else is thinking or feeling is a lot less clear and is often where our old friends Worry and Anxiety pop round uninvited and put their feet up on the sofa.

Objectively there's nothing to worry about of course - those relationships you've had for years have stood for that long because they're built on solid foundations.  Nothing to worry about right?

I love this one

"What if they didn't understand what I meant when....?"

"What if I upset them when...?"

"What if they're mad because...?"

"What if they don't want to be friends anymore...?"

I had my eyes opened at StressControl last year when I found out that not everybody thinks these things and worries about them like I do.  If you're one of those people, then kudos to you - but it partly felt like my reality was being torn down and rebuilt.  Again, objectively of course people don't all think like that because it makes very little logical sense.  But it's hard to free yourself from that when it's been your perception for so long.

Under the old regime there were a few tried and tested options when those questions started floating around:

1. Seek any kind of constant reassurance (explicitly or implicitly) that the last thing I'd said hadn't been misinterpreted or that you'd not upset the status quo
2. Qualify what (I thought) I'd done wrong in a painstaking level of detail that would make War & Peace look like a short story
3. Assume I'm burdensome and a distraction that people would happily do without (not in that way - chill)
4. Shut down - don't make the effort because it can't or won't be reciprocated in the way I expect - better to not bother than show vulnerability

Point number 3

Point number 4

Sorry - a lot of relevant memes this week...

And so, via a slightly circuitous route, we come back to Mike Skinner and the woes he and I share - "I think I love you more than you like me".  The last couple of points on that list above are the kinds of things I associate that line with - being at the extreme of one feeling while perceiving that everyone else is at the far end of another.

That perception genuinely feels hard to get over sometimes, though I've learned that often it's the arbitrary expectations that come with the perception that compound those difficulties.  Relationships can't be quantified or measured - they're things we know, feel and trust in.  

Worry and anxiety can make us question those things we know to be true, and have faith in and so, like with most things, it's the same few tricks that help us through.  What would we tell a friend feeling that way?  What is the likelihood that the thing we're obsessing over is actually happening?  How do we make mental space to be able to evaluate what we're thinking and experiencing in a rational way?   If in doubt, play the greatest hits right?

I envy the people that have that in-built way of just knowing this stuff is all OK without it being a large number of conscious thoughts.  Maybe you're all sociopaths or something?   Sorry - what I meant by that was..... please don't be mad at me.... are you upset....? Etc etc forever and ever...

(Oh - in diabetes news, I've had four consecutive days with bloods all under 10mmol so I guess I'm cured or something... - come for the sadness, stay for the diabetes)

Stay safe. Love you (more than you like me) x

Week Twelve - Paths not taken (or things I wish I'd known)

I drew a blank yesterday when I sat down to write - there was something there but I couldn't quite see it.  It vaguely came to me as I stared at the ceiling at something-past-midnight so let's go.

I should preface this by saying that it's Diabetes Week (8th to 14th June 2020) and so while this won't entirely depart from the mental well-being stuff I've talked about for the last three months, I was reflecting on my experiences specifically with diabetes more than usual last night.

I was trying to remember how old I was when I got got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.  I always start by telling myself it was the October of my graduate year at university as I remember it being a fairly isolating experience in many ways.  But that's not true.  The date I mean - it was isolating in a lot of ways.  I remember trying to explain it all to a couple of my course-mates (and fellow 5-a-side colleagues) and how lower GI stuff like Shreddies would help.  "Shreddies - keeps diabetes locked up til lunch" still makes me smile.  But that must have been the start of my third year which was October 2001.

And that means next year will be 20 years with type 1 - half my life.  After that point it'll be something that'll be the bigger part of my experiences, not the smaller part.  Those 20 years without diabetes would always be a static thing, but soon that block of time will become a decreasing minority.

Memes for all occasions

Looking back at the start of this adventure I was woefully ill-placed to deal with it - not that there's ever really a good time to get diagnosed with a chronic condition but still...  A few ridiculous things really stand out from those first few months.  I remember being told to make sure I'd eaten before playing football at university so I'd cram all sorts in before a match and wonder why I was sky high afterwards.  I started off on mixed insulin so there wasn't really a concept (that I'd be told about at least) of correction doses so I just lived with it.

When I switched to basal/bolus a year or so later, that felt like a little more freedom, but I was still walking around with way too little knowledge in my head.  That's diabetes knowledge for those giggling at the back...  While I finally had the tools to finesse my own self-management, I didn't have the understanding.  One unit for 10g of carbs seemed to work, but I'm sure it took years for me to ask what would happen if I did insulin without food and finally understand if my levels were high I could just do insulin to fix it.  Seems so obvious now, but it was alien to me for so long.

And (as I gratuitously wield my crowbar) it got me thinking about other paths I'd not taken because of things I didn't know or was scared of finding out.  Opportunities I didn't take, places I didn't go, girls I didn't ask out, invitations I turned down... all because I was unsure of myself or scared.

I think what it made me realise (at nearly 1am...) is that the stress and anxiety that I've really only consciously started to be aware of has actually been around for a really long time.  Looking back, some "coping" mechanisms have been fairly common over the years (however cringe-worthy they were and how hard they are to let go of), some of the anxiety symptoms probably date back over 25 years.

So I think there are a lot of things I wish I'd known.  All the stuff I've accumulated over nearly 20 (TWENTY) years of living with diabetes would obviously have been hugely beneficial way back in 2001.  But I've been struck again by how much the mental aspects have been so important. Not just in terms of missing out on lived experience, self-confidence or self-esteem, but that overlap with managing the physical bits.

I had a conversation with someone recently about how easy it feels now to instinctively know what my insulin doses should be, and that the textbook answers don't reflect what I intrinsically know to be true about my own care.  But whilst that trial and error, and learning from those mistakes has been tough at times, it feels easy in comparison to understanding and managing things that aren't tangible or don't manifest themselves as physical problems to solve.

I don't know... it makes sense to me, and if you can relate too, that's good.  Happy diabetes week.  Until next time

Stay safe x

Weeks Ten and Eleven - (Im)balance

Predictably I missed last Monday as it was a Bank Holiday and I had a week off.  I missed posting yesterday because I wasn't sure I had the right words to be able to articulate what I wanted to say.   I'm still not sure I do but let's see where this goes eh?

Since I last posed, I've edged a year closer to 40.  Facebook memories see to suggest I'm forever bound to say "older but not wiser - haha" and that absolutely feels true in one sense, but maybe less so in another.

Over the last year, I think StressControl and CBT have taught me some sense of self-awareness that I wasn't really conscious of before.  Whether I'm actually wise enough to be conscious of it in the moments I need to is a wholly different matter.

Absolutely I am Dwight

One of the main themes at StressControl was about how we often judge ourselves more harshly than we would others and are our own worst critic.  At CBT we talked about how powerful meaningful relationships are and how they can make a really positive difference to how we feel.  I guess that latter part at least is familiar to many people right now given that lockdown has many of us distanced from those people we rely on.

I think where I've often felt like I've struggled is in finding those relationships.  I've got a catalogue of reasons why that's the case - you can leaf through that at your own leisure - but I think I large part of it is down to not being able to understand where the right balance (or equilibrium - get some mileage out of that economics degree) is.

But this is where the words dry up a little.  I'm not sure how to get that final point down:

    a) without coming across with an inflated sense of self-importance 

    b) succinctly or 

    c) in any kind of way which actually gets to the heart of what I'm trying to say

I guess the point is that I often feel like I mis-judge what those friend/relationships should look like or what the dynamic is.  Pushing way too hard when there's no need, cutting myself off entirely because it's easier than working through what the middle ground should look like or just driving myself crazy with self-doubt, worry and anxiety.  Where this was bad before, lockdown has made it a lot worse.

Imbalance

I've thought about referring myself back to IAPT but I'm still not sure I'm clear on the thing that would be most helpful so I'm keeping that in my back pocket for now.  I've thought about seeing a GP though that's kind of a nuclear option I'd rather not take.  And there's no way I'm going near a surgery right now in any case.

I think I've got most of the tools and knowledge to be able to make this better (there's the wisdom) but it's still difficult to take that mental step back and use them objectively.  That bit is really hard, and the nagging self-doubt that asks whether I am good enough makes it tougher.

It's ridiculous when you see it like this - but seeing it like this is the tough part

As this blog becomes progressively about mental health and less about diabetes, I probably need to grab food so I don't have a hypo in a meeting later on.

Stay safe x

(And don't worry, I've ordered Lego)