Week Eight - One Nice Thing

At least I think it's week eight... I know lockdown officially began on March 23rd but I'd definitely been working at home for about a week and a half before that.

Some of the days do have that sense about them and at times it definitely feels like they're merging into an amorphous blob of stuff.  Some days fly by and then others seem to draw themselves out forever.  A three-day weekend definitely helped me reset to a large degree but there's something about this situation that's exhausting.  A couple of days with no alarm and no real need to do very much or even get beyond the garden feel like they've wiped me out.  I'm fairly sure it's down to the mental effort we're expending trying to keep on an even keel.

Most of this last week's diabetes problems have been about keeping out of the red and in the black which I will admit has felt a little relentless at times.  After some extensive research over the last few days, I think I'm close to publishing a paper confirming that bourbon biscuits have little to no effect on blood sugar whatsoever.  I am also implying that they therefore have no calories either...  It'll pass as it always does, but feeling like you're constantly scouring the kitchen cupboards for something to eat can be another layer on top of everything else you're trying to think about.

A couple of things sprang to mind this week.  Firstly that it's felt harder at times to maintain that 'deep breath, think before you speak' approach to communicating, whether that's at home or at work.  I think the current climate (sick of writing that) and how far we are into this way of living gets to us all at some point, and it's almost inevitable that some part of us will snap, however briefly.  It's also easy to have our head down thinking about our own situation, when the reality of it is that everyone has their own version of that too.  I'd like to think I've been generally conscious of that - what feels like 40 hours of video calls a week means you can't help but understand people's circumstances, but it's no bad thing to be more explicit about it in my thinking.

The other thing is really to think of One Nice Thing about the day and try and hold on to it.  After StressControl I tried to write three positive things down from each day before I went to bed as a reminder that the stress and anxiety was always balanced out by other things.  I've lowered the bar a fair bit for the time being, but hoping it continues to make some small difference.

After a couple of glorious days, the weather turned yesterday so we had some ultimate comfort food in meat and potato pie

This was the sunset on Thursday after my dad got taken to hospital (and thankfully discharged with antibiotics about 8 hours later)

Managed to order some Lego that's usually only available from one shop at Legoland in Denmark - they've made it available online due to COVID

It's still a massive set of ups and downs and it's the same for everyone I talk to as well.  In some sense, it's hard to take comfort from the fact that everyone is on this relentless roller coaster, but at the same time it's kinda reassuring that everyone can almost certainly relate to how you're feeling at any given moment, even if it remains largely unsaid.

Safe safe alert safe x

Week Seven - Ups and Downs

On their debut album 'Love, And Other Catastrophes" the aptly named Skint & Demoralised sang about major highs, manic lows and that's a little what this last week has felt like.

When it's been good, it's been really good.  When it's been bad, well... it's been bad.

Having diabetes has felt like a lot more of a job this last week as you'll see below.  Yesterday in particular ended up with me curled up, asleep on the sofa at about 3pm with a nice hypo headache.

I talked about distractions last week and that's still the name of the game right now.  A combination of things mean that I worked til 9:30pm - 10pm three days running (having stopped for dinner and half a film).  Normally I'd be cursing even the need to work after about 6pm, let alone actually doing it, but it felt strangely calm - almost relaxing - to have something to keep my find focused.  It also had the benefit of making me feel almost productive at some point too.

I talked a bit about managing the voices/thoughts last week too and that's still been very challenging at times, particularly when trying to switch off at night.  I'd taken to kind of half going to bed, but staying up til gone midnight some nights over the last few weeks just so I could exhaust myself.  The problem with that is that it's a great short-term fix but long term you end up asleep on the sofa on a Sunday afternoon.

And I think that's almost been a lot of lockdown in a nutshell - some of the short term difficulties can be managed, but I'm not sure I've figured out how to do it in a sustainable way that doesn't just create a different problem to solve another time.

Worth mentioning a few of the highlights as well just to remember the highs as well as the lows:

1. Made Australian Crunch over the weekend - proper throwback to school dinner desserts and one of the best chocolate things going (Galaxy milk choc on top for best effect)
2. Bought a new Xbox and played a lot of Lego Marvel Superheroes with Violet
3. Managed to run 10km (with Violet on her bike) on Sunday - first time over that distance in a year, and awarded myself this medal from a virtual race

Finally, I know I've been really lucky to be able to call on a couple of close friends who have helped me be objective and rational (for me at least) and taken the edge of some of those manic times. I won't name names, but if you're reading this and it sounds like you, it probably is.  Thanks.

I guess the message is the same.  It's hard sometimes, and lockdown life makes it harder to manage and to escape.  One of Violet's favourite quotes is this from John Lennon.  I find it hard to believe in it sometimes and it almost feels a little but trite, but to hear a 10 year old say it every so often does give you some hope

Stay safe x

Week Six - Distraction

Another Monday and another week of largely remaining indoors.

It's felt a little.... more straightforward this week.  I'm loathe to say 'easier' because it's felt a little like peaks and troughs over the last few days.  A relatively quieter week at work has helped so that's something.

So far the sun's kept shining which I think is definitely a positive to cling on to.  I think a few days of rain (which looks forecast for this week) will make for a somewhat less manageable lockdown experience.

I've also tried to make a very conscious effort to look for distractions or hobbies to give me some focus.  Certainly something beyond staring at some game on my phone at least.

I've got round to listening to a podcast that I never thought I'd find time for.  It's called  Office Ladies and is an episode-by-episode behind the scenes rewatch of The Office - An American Workplace (scientifically the best TV comedy of all time).  At about an hour an episode it's a good start to a weekend morning and means I'm learning some new stuff about a show I could practically quote.  It also ties in nicely with my inspired decision to start and rewatch the whole thing from the beginning too.

The last few weeks I've got more and more into my newest middle-class hobby which is rock painting!  It all started when we found a couple on the ground near where we live while we were on our daily walk and spiraled quite quickly from there.  Historically I've never been someone you'd associate the words "artistic" or "patient" with but I'm certainly learning to harness the latter.  I've found it helps me stay calm and feel focused, and there's a bonus that it's a good family activity for us all.

This weekend's efforts

We've also reached that stage where we've had a family quiz over Zoom.  A top score of 9/20 suggests we all need to reset our expectations of what 'easy' is.

Of course it's not all sunshine and plain sailing, but I'm definitely at the stage where I know that's not going to be the norm, even if I'm a little way of mastering how to cope with it.

I think one of the hardest things I've found over the last week (and feels like something that's been a fairly constant background for me for a while) is finding it hard to stop myself following a thought to some fantastical and unlikely resolution.

It's hard to really describe what that's like without using examples I'd rather not share here, but it often comes down to something jumping into my head and staying there while I simultaneously try to forget about it entirely and completely fixate on it in the worst possible ways.

I found these resources from Mind which helped a little, and resonated well with some of the learning from StressControl last year.  I'm not convinced I'm 'hearing voices' and I don't think it necessarily strays into intrusive thoughts per se, and certainly not harmful intrusive thoughts.  It's more that I find it hard to not fixate on something once I start.

And so that's where distractions come in.  For me, right now it's a balance between distracting myself with new things that I'm enjoying and also learning to manage and try to de-escalate the stress and anxiety when distraction doesn't work.  It's a learning curve that feels a little steeper because of the situation we find ourselves in right now, and ultimately I think it comes down to celebrating the good days and stopping the bad days from bringing you too far down.

Stay safe x

Week One - Listening Through The Noise

What a week eh?

I feel like I've watched enough disaster movies to know that the coming weeks and months are going to be less than ideal, but that we should all emerge blinking into the sunlight looking at a different world.

I'm encouraging Violet to keep a diary through all this because I think we'll all look back on these few months for years and years to come.  I thought I should try an do the same.

Like most people I know, I'm trying to be as sensible as I can be.  I don't have 2000 loo rolls, the only real stockpiles I have are half a dozen partially used bags of cous cous and quinoa (peak middle class eh?) and some Ryvita that ran out in 2016 but still tastes fine.

We've been outside every day but kept well away from anyone else.  I skipped visiting my mum for Mother's Day and I'm on day 8 of working from home.  Given I'm in a higher risk group, I'm only going to the shops when it's absolutely necessary as well.

Social media and the news, things I've always relied on for my own sanity and sense of connectedness are having the absolute opposite effect right now.  I've given up scrolling pretty much anything apart from Instagram and only posting elsewhere occasionally.

I get that people are angry.  Angry at those people ignoring advice.  Angry at those pushing three trollyfuls of shopping through crowded check outs.  Angry at people heading to the pub for 'one last night out'.  I'm angry too.

But I think people are scared.  Fight or flight has never felt stronger for me at times over the last few weeks.  That idea of 'doing what I've always done will mean I'll be OK' is completely out of the window now.  People resort to routine, comfort and self preservation when they're scared and I think that's what people are doing now.

Yes it's selfish, but I think it's understandable too.  People's anxieties manifest themselves differently, whether that's buying 10 bags of pasta, going to the pub or climbing to the top of the moral high ground.  It's all noise we're trying to process to do whatever the right thing is.

The advice means different things to each of us.  DON'T GO OUTSIDE.  SELF ISOLATE.  SOCIAL DISTANCING.  It's panic-inducing, that means people will panic.

I don't think any of us fully understand what this means right now and we're all doing what we can to get by.  I finally found a loaf of bread in the shops yesterday and it felt a little quieter.  Not normal, but not end-of-the-world either.

I don't know what the 'right' thing is.  But I know we need to be kind.  Buy what you need, stay a safe distance from people, don't berate those who perhaps genuinely don't understand, help a friend or neighbour, don't watch too much news or scroll Twitter all day.  Do what you can do and others will follow.

Stay safe, wash your hands